FROM PAIN TO PURPOSE

Journeying Toward Destination

2012-02-11T09:18:00.009-05:00

What do we learn as we wait on God?

Speaking from personal experience, and more than I could have imagined as well as beyond what I could have imagined, I have learned that waiting requires a stoic patience that replaces our own agenda. The process of anticipation swells and retracts, much like waves against the shoreline. Within each swell is a sense of urgency and excitement that is often fueled by circumstances as well as a temporary denial that disappoints us at the core of our being.

As we trust our God to lead us, we realize that His leading requires a relinquishing of every mode of manipulation that we have previously used to advance our cause(s). Somewhere between the justice and the injustice of the process, we learn that in order to advance our mission (which is the ultimate furtherance of our hopes and dreams…at least those that are driven by the heart rather than the flesh), we had to begin where we started, endure the agony of the challenges within, and WAIT for God to direct (as well as redirect) the path toward our freedom that is found within the restrictions of our bondage. I just thought of something that Danny said to me a few weeks ago that I find myself repeating almost daily in my head:

…"We are like the Israelites and have not yet reached our promised land. That is why we feel the way we do." I appreciate so much my husband's perspective as it was mine that carried us through his sickness and the further challenges within our family while he rallied in a very different but equally necessary way to sustain us. But to finally hear his words match my heart is a gift that I recognize as a portion (gift) from God to supply what is needed as we toil toward our goal of advancing our mission and our family through the stages that we have for the greater purpose of legacy.

I know that purpose fulfills us as well as makes a difference in the world we are called to live within (whether it is a home, neighborhood, community, stage or platform of teaching or leadership or beyond), and therefore requires the emptiness of ourselves so that we can be filled by those things that remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. ~1Corinthians 13:13

As God heals my hurts and my sorrows, I am exposed…mostly to myself. It is a vulnerable place to admit the reality of, but it is necessary for my healing as well as for who I become...as I am first called to support my husband and nuture my children before I can share the pain which has led me to where God leads. I wait for that time but I no longer wait with restraint of my emotions or a dissatisfaction of my circumstances, but I wait with surrender and I follow what He reveals, which is usually something "hidden" within my heart and has been shut off to not only myself but to others as a way of protecting myself. I have learned that God will leave me right where I am or allow circumstances to wane unless I admit where I am struggling and accept my responsibility within it as He leads the process of change.

I often hear myself telling my kids that they are to be an example to the younger ones (particularly Simon, who in our home is a force that creates much opportunity…and he knows it. Just last evening he was spinning in circles for over 10 minutes and saying that the force of God was with him and giving him the ability to do what he does…whatever it may be at the time). And while Simon may be their challenge for growth as well as a model for faith in our home, raising 5 children and difficulties beyond our control have certainly been mine. Every time I tell them how the result (Simon being less problematic in their world) could be achieved, I realize that I am also needing to heed the advice I give: that love is the greatest virtue to exercise in life for EVERY objective and while faith and hope I have mastered by proportion, learning how to love has been what God has revealed to me to be where my greatest wounds lie…and He has given me plenty of opportunities to approach my challenges with His direction (which is from a spiritual perspective), rather than from one that protects myself from becoming vulnerable to those that do not care whether or not they hurt me and often have and do intentionally. While no one wants to receive pain, I have learned it is the catalyst that God allows to further our purpose.

The natural inclination to protect myself exists from wounds in my childhood that are wrapped in pain and isolation and peppered with rejection. A few of my own children (while they do not yet understand it), have this within them as well due to circumstances beyond their control. As they get older it becomes easier to identify as well as discuss but nonetheless it is still something THEY have to deal with and because God loves them so much, He already has given them through their own "healed" lives even more opportunities to let Him do so. He has also given me to them to use as an example. I would even suggest that we all have this place that we detach ourselves from and place on a shelf because the process to release it is not pleasant. In some people it is much more easily understood due to the circumstances in their lives and it is more evident to understand why it exists. And as I have learned, God uses the broken to heal others, and He doesn't allow those that He uses to be left in stagnation, but He requires us all to also be healed so that we can truly serve a hurting world…which is only done successfully through our love...and therefore the process is a painful one for every one, but what exists on the other side is restoration and a legacy worth more than we can quantify.

So while we all recognize that this journey we call life stretches our patience, reveals our ugliness and redeems our futures, let us also realize that we serve a God who is the Master of redemption and the Manipulator of circumstances that while "... we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not disappoint us…." ~Romans 5:3-6

Hold on tightly to your hope…it will not disappoint you…that is not my promise, but HIS!

“The strength of patience hangs on our capacity to believe that God is up to something good for us in all our delays and detours.”
~ Piper

A NEW YEAR REVOLUTION

2011-12-31T11:53:00.005-05:00

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.
~Kenji Miyazawa

I have this burning desire within me to encourage others through difficulites. There are a "chosen" few in my life that I can't seem to shake the role of SUPREME ENCOURAGER...it began with my husband through his sickness and has passed through each of my kids and especially my twins who lost their parents when they were just 7 years old; and even today is flowing through their friends who are painfully enduring their own losses and painful grapplings with God as a result.

2011 represented a "refueling" for me. I have been steadfast and building upon my faith; expectantly waiting for God...I periodically experience sensations that feel as if I have "little butterflies in my soul" is the only way I know to explain it. While it may be easy to ignore, it only happens when I am overtaken by an immediate concern or just happen to ponder the question of "when" will God begin to show me manifestations of what I have been clinging to all along and that is my purpose for His service beyond just the 4 walls of my home. In these exact spaces in time my mind leaps forward and the blip of a "what if" moment creeps in and connects my heart to God's purpose for my life all at the same time. What initally begins as a concern transforms into an excitement of fulfillment of my desires. I believe this quote to be true: "Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow." ~Norman Vincent Peale

I know that God has me. I'm one of billions that He can handle ;) Jeremiah 29:11 says: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." When I keep that in focus, fear is released and the pain is able to be embraced and I truly do use it for the fuel that moves me toward my destiny.

He wants that kind of trust from each of us who call upon His name. He prefers ALL mankind would call upon Him, but He does not push...however He often does pull and we have a choice as to how we respond...with His power or with our own. His power brings us peace and contentment and satisfaction while our own is often accompanied by an internalization of the pain that can deeply wound us rather than liberate us.

As 2011 has been birth pains to 2012, realize that resolutions are worthless as they depend upon each of our own efforts while revolutions depend upon our rallying alongside what is already occurring...in this case what He is already doing. His power has ZERO LIMITATIONS and His ability to create something out of nothing does not occur without pressure. There can be no diamonds without it. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of a man is to live, not to exist. ~Jack London

Embrace your pain, shed your fears, trust your God and pray for mercy as He orchestrates your challenges and allows them to be used as fuel for your mission. If you are ready to truly live according to the power of God within your dreams then realize that "Life has no limitations, except the ones you make." ~Les Brown

Welcome 2012! I have been waiting for you and walking toward you all my life!

“Thus says the LORD, Who makes a way through the sea and a path through the mighty waters, “Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

God ALWAYS Exceeds Our Expectations

2011-12-06T11:49:00.003-05:00

Olivia Pompa
I have been living with my new family for almost 8 years and I love them as if I was born here. I am extremely thankful for my new parents, Merily and Daniel ♥ All things work to the greater good (No matter what it is) <33 They are giving more than I could ever ask for and I want to thank them for that too (: I LOOVE YOU GUUYS♥ ALSO, Yesterdaay was my real mommmyss birthday, I wanted to wish her a Happy Birthhdaay! <33 Happy Birthday Moommmyy (: Miss you! <3333

What a post from Olivia's Facebook..How INCREDIBLY solid this incredible God-given child of mine is in her "interpretation" of Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to
His purpose.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

Our prayer has always been for our family to be unified. Through the most challenging of times...even more so than the commitment to them through their initial loss and our initial gain has been our recent challenges. God truly has exceeded our expectations! We praise Him!!

From Bondage To Freedom

2011-12-04T13:04:00.005-05:00

Freedom comes to us in many forms. Often it comes into our lives through bondage. Because we are experienced-based creatures, we have to learn about life through experience. There are some experiences that have nothing to do with choices but yet we evolve into ourselves based on decisions others have made for us. For example, as a child we do not choose our parents or the dynamic within their relationship and consequently choices are made on our behalf that we have no control over. We must however, take those (preconceived) notions/ideas into our next seasons of life and often what drives us is what we learned and often lacked, or possibly even had in surplus to satisfy our desires. Through daily living we find that often what we thought was part of the fiber of our existence isn't where our ultimate satisfaction comes. For me personally, I had to be placed into situations even as an adult that I did not have choices in to realize how true that really is. While choices are always made within scenarios, overarching realities have a far greater determination in who we find ourselves to be. It is far easier to do the right thing when faced with challenge than it is to embrace the changes within that challenge. While our initial response is self-preservation, if we are really honest with ourselves (either through admission or coercion), we must enter the threshold within it that allows us to step across it to a new level of living. What we inevitably find when we enter that higher dimension is soul satisfaction. While it may not look like we have previously known, who we are is who we have desired to be all along but lacked the tools to acquire.
When we belong to God, He often orchestrates events to enable us to find who we have been looking for as well as knew we were destined to become all along but too wounded to attain. Superfluousness sheds itself from necessity, and as self-preservation is replaced by surrender and trust, we take our eyes off our ourselves and put them on to those that we are entrusted with as well as to our God who ultimately holds ALL of the power anyway. We find within the pages of our further unfolding story hope, completion in the creation of ourselves and advancement of of our mind to attain our vision...and even passions deepen within our calling and it is renewed eventhough it may seem to have been detained. We learn that without the reduction in ourselves, we could not possibly reach the heights that God has chosen for His purposes, not our own. There is no other way to remove self than to have it removed for us...at least for those of us who are natural at cultivating resources due to personalities that have determination and perseverance at the helm.
I had to be very honest with myself many times over in this life already to accept that each challenge that I have been called to walk through is perfect for me. Each test of my faith, each test of my character, each test of my self within myself has been hand-picked by God to advance His purpose for my life. I have also had to remind myself in moments where I have been tempted to feel sorry for myself (which could be easy to do with 5 children who have pre-existing wounds and tainted belief systems) that my own journey is not just for me but for all of us. Who they are learning to rely on beyond a Sunday School role of Christianity is beyond what any of us would sign up for, but once living our lives at that level of faith, we are never going to be satisfied with knowing about God...we want to KNOW Him and be known by Him...where we can call upon Him and know He is always speaking even if He is not always answering every prayer to our satisfaction or in our timing. We find in our solitude that a Biblical faith is one that applies the scriptures and follows the patriarchs of the Bible as they did and watch and wait for Him to show up on our behalf. What greater lesson about living a life that God blesses could our children extract from any other experience other than our own?
Be encouraged that God lives with His people as "a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people." Exodus 13:21-22 While we do not see that manifestation in the same way physically, He is still illuminating and directing even our darkest times for His light to become an everlasting flame and the light that must never be extinguished must originate in our own hearts so that we never lose our direction or desire for Him.
When I remind myself that life is a journey as well as a tapestry to be taken and woven all at the same time, I feel honored to be chosen for such a role that has taken me through so many twists and turns and uncertainties. I realize that apart from God's calling and His favor to achieve it, I would waste this life seeking but never being fully satisfied. I can now find riddled within the pages of my life's story the hand of God upon my heart that loves me too much to let my life move randomly. While pain is an inevitable part of growth, life lessons learned births desires beyond reason and hope beyond expectation. I do not believe that God merely calls us to have a legacy that is solely parenting our children and therefore we must live out our calling with our children watching and waiting right with us in order for them to develop the kind of faith that too "if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul." Deuteronomy 4:29 In verse 28, the one directly before, God tell us: " There you will worship man-made gods of wood and stone, which cannot see or hear or eat or smell." This is the place where we are in captivity and He desires to release us. While letting go is often not a choice we would make, there is a freedom in having it removed. Rebuilding SOLELY on the foundation that leads us to victorious living is the only place that our soul satisfaction is found. What God adds to that is up to Him, but being driven by our purpose (His purpose) is far more exciting than being driven by our desires.
Who gets what is a common theme in a large family. With God, who gets what is determined by His resources, not our own and I don't know about you, but I would far rather be waiting on Him rather than trusting in myself.

In Trying Times...Is Anything Better Than This???

2011-11-27T10:06:00.000-05:00

My daughter's facebook post today: I want to remember this time in our life and how God used this scripture in our lives and in our family: "You meant evil against me but God meant it for good..." (Genesis 50:20-21)

Olivia Pompa
Riding home from a fantastic thanksgiving! Another thanksgiving dinner on Sunday! I am thankful for so much. Loving parents, annoying but amazing brothers, my giving grandfather, and soo much more! ((: Happy Thanksgiving everyonee!!

I DON'T DESERVE THIS FRONT ROW SEAT IN GOD'S AMAZING LOVE...BUT I AM SO GLAD HE CHOSE ME FOR IT :))

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

My Father's Business...ONLY He Would Consider Me Worthy.

2011-11-25T12:22:00.005-05:00

Thanksgiving Dinner 2011.

At dinner with my dad yesterday, we took the time to go around the table as we always do giving thanks. I was enriched by my kid's hearts and their expressions of gratitude. What I wasn't expecting was my own. The VERY first thing that came to my mind and consequently out of my mouth, was my gratitude for Dylan and Olivia. What I realize is that I have become who I am as a result of them in my life. The difficult and unpenetrable places of my heart that I knew were resistant to change have become open and receptive to offering myself and what has been stifled as a result of the wounds that have been in me since I was very young and rejected and abandoned by my own biological father.

The public battle that has taken so much from us has undeniably given us so much more. The matter of the truth being heard has become secondary to the greater purpose it has served within our family. Only God could accomplish such a feat. My protected and repellant state of existence can only be defined as fear. What did I fear? I have asked myself that so many times I have lost count and yet it hasn't been until God took my fear that I realized why it existed and that I wasn't the one who could control when or how it would become a healed wound.

I humorously added that I was glad that they had the personalities they had and that there were 2 of them rather than the reverse with the 3 that came from Danny and I being added to the mix ;)

The second thought that came out of my mouth was something that occurred the day before but it wasn't until I began speaking that I realized another healed area of my wounded self. Olivia and I went out for the evening the other night and the boys (especially Izik) were anxious to finish the Christmas Tree. Under any other circumstances and any other year, I decorate it.
When we came home Izik was laying on the couch looking at the completed tree with a look of satisfaction. He asked me what I thought of it...I took it in and told him it was PERFECT!

It was while I was recounting what I was thankful for that I found myself announcing that all of the stress in my life that I have had no choice but to deal with has not robbed me at all, but restored my joy and appreciation for the role of a mother called into a unique situation for an enormous purpose...to mend hearts. I realized that it wasn't possible to fully mend my children's hearts when my own still required an overhaul. God has provided the opportunity for this to occur...I will never be the same and my children will be blessed by me and through me as a result.

So thank you to the one who has created havoc. And Thank YOU more Lord God for knowing my heart and loving me enough to not leave me as I was but calling me out of myself and into your desires. While releasing my own has been done through tremendous adversity, I am now grateful for your relentless love and mercy that accompanies our challenges.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:16

The final piece of gratitude that emerged from my brokenness was the power of God alone to do this. I realized fully in that moment that trust maintained in the ONLY ONE who holds the power to turn defeat into victory is how the ultimate battle is won. Many "things" can be taken, but the things that matter most are our relationships and our hearts with their desires in tact with the hope that has been long-since planted, but with roots growing underneath the soil until the appropriate time for them to spring forth.

I NOW UNDERSTAND MYSELF...that my God will meet all (of my) needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. What has been replaced by what has been stolen is far greater.

In Trying Times...Is Anything Better Than This???

2011-11-25T11:49:00.003-05:00

PAIN PRECEDES PURPOSE

2011-10-25T09:37:00.007-04:00

I feel an inner oppositional force at work. I feel the desire to share my heart, but I also feel the desire to remain quiet. What is within me has been expressed many times for you to find your own encouragement for hope when life seems out of balance or a desperate need for restoration is a craving needing satisfied within your soul. I am learning through seasons of turmoil that the only place to find that peace is within. It is not found by expressing discontent or injustice nor is it found by indignant posturing. Our hope is only found in the power that God alone possesses. He alone knows what is best. Injustices occur. Our skewed perspectives of what is right and wrong occur. Our trust in others expecting our protection to be first and foremost in their dealings with us can also occur. We learn through disappointments and oftentimes devastation that life-lessons are often necessary for our future dealings in the lives that we are called to live out. If we interpret each defect and detour along the way as a life-lesson and learn from it then we begin to view our progress and impotentence simultaneously. We realize humans are exactly that...we rise and fall at the same time.

The dichotomy between our thoughts and our actions is at the very core of why we need a savior. We need someone to guide us that is beyond human and finite in thinking and direction. While faith used as a crutch is often an excuse for those who do not understand it and always accompanies a refusal to release control, for those of us that grow (often by force) through life's challenges, we begin to understand at an even more concentrated level that pain must precede purpose.

Being able to find peace within the process is perhaps the greatest of all the demands we must meet. I have learned in my own challenges that surrender is what I do last, but it is precisely where the provisions and protection occurs for my preservation and advancement. I am not sure I ever could have released my efforts to stand and fight for my story or the truth if it weren't for what God had to allow me to pass through for the objective of my purpose being met. I have found that when we feel outnumbered, both on the side of the enemy as well as even our allies, and we have no ability left to find hope in what is right, we surrender. We allow God to take over. We plead with Him for favor, for mercy, for opening the closed minds of those that stand in our way or hold us back from being restored. And we also realize that if He doesn't orchestrate on our schedule (which is already proven by the endless journey and wanderings we are involved in), then it must be for our good and His goals for our life.

This may be the place that breaking down and feeling helpless also is necessary. Without remembering that feeling, there is no surrender. We don't want to give up our fight. We feel the most vulnerable when we do UNLESS our vulnerability has already been proven to us by the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

Remember this quote: "Many men owe the grandeur of their lives to their tremendous difficulties." ~Charles Haddon Spurgeon It is true of some of the most memorable of Biblical contributors to our hope and understanding of God's greatness that they too underwent tremendous difficulties for a much greater and often unforeseen purpose. History is waiting to be made. Do you desire a role in the greatest story ever written? The story is still being written and giving Him the pen is the most assured way of having your designated assignment come to life within its pages.

THE LAUNCH

2011-09-24T21:40:00.006-04:00

When I sit down to write, I often have NO idea what it is that I have to say. I realize that writing is a tool for me to understand my life with more clarity and my vision is what becomes more vivid as I communicate my emotions to myself and those who read what I leave upon the once blank space. I also understand that often people are filled with unanswered questions about their challenges and finding a space in their head to process is often difficult to do. We wrestle the inner man to preserve the outer man. At a certain inevitable juncture, we must face our reality with the proper persective. That perspective is never one that runs and hides, but one that embraces whatever it is that we are called to overcome and face it head on with an understanding that we will become better, not bitter as a result of it.

What I continue to learn through my own challenges is that with faith in God's direction for our lives and His perfect plan, we fulfill our destiny. This occurs in the most unlikely of ways typically, but we learn too that it is something that is truly best suited to every aspect of God's desire for our life. I read this quote and thought "how appropriate as it relates to my life": “ God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not a choice. You must take it. The only choice is how”. ~Henry Ward Beecher
Could there be a more true statement of our grapplings with what "happens" to us? The embrace of each challenge with the proper perspective that leads to growth enriches us while the one that asks why me will lead us to defeat. As we journey through our season of enrichment we realize too that ‎"God seldom delivers....virtues all wrapped in a package and ready for use. Rather He puts us in situations where by His help we can develop those virtues." ~C.R. Findley

I have been 12 years in challenges that have defied who and how I expected my life to look. The situations I have found myself in have taken me by surprise (to say the least) and tested every virute and value I have lived by. They have called me to deeper faith, deeper trust, deeper hope and deeper commitment to my ultimate goal of service to a God that loves me, knows what is best for me and cultivates not only my circumstances, but also my heart in the process of where He is leading me.
While some of what He is up to is becoming manifest without doubt, some of it lies in "utter" (outer) space waiting within the deepest but most readily recesses of my heart and waiting with a child-like excitement and anticipation to be released into my world.

As I wait with this fervor, I am feeling led to "release" some of what I have learned in very practial and applicable ways. A few well-respected friends have encouraged me to write more and one relationship in particular has taken an interest in leading me to have that materialize. She has connected me with resources, including her own, to expedite the release of my new blog with the title: Fit, Focused and 40. This will include physical, emotional and spiritual fundamentals that I am trusting God to lead the way with. I have always believed that when God calls us through something that stretches us He also calls us to use what has created pain for a purpose. I am excited to reveal my passions of living, raising a family, seeking to improve weaknesses within the areas of health of the physical, emotional and mental carcass that carries our soul throughout our life on this planet. I thank you for your contribution of questions and feedback in the very near future while sending any questions or thoughts that you would like me to address. While I certainly do not claim to be a final authority and at times even reluctant to share what I believe or have learned for myself, my husband reminds me of the fact that when you have victory over attacks (regardless of the area) it gives you an element of authority that (while it may not be the ONLY way) it certainly is proven through the methods of warfare that led to triumph. I need an army of warriors who desire to fight for victory. The battle is fierce for us all and yet God desires that we win it for Him!

It Is Well With My Soul...And Theirs Too

2011-08-05T23:28:00.002-04:00

Summer has been busy. Many travels. Many days of busy-ness. Nothing ever seems to get completed. The house is never quiet...except when we are asleep. Working from home has its benefits, but I expect that they will be more evident when our kids are back in school ;-)

I think about time. Time is elusive. I cannot seem to capture it, or have enough of it. I remember the feeling of being stuffed into a challenging role that I refused to refuse and accepted without exception. When my understanding of life took a very different turn from my expectations I had one perspective that held me fast: HOPE. Romans 5:3-5 says: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

I remember assuming the role of the one who would offer hope to my husband who was suffering. I remember offering hope to Daniel, even though he was only 3 when his Dad got sick. I remember offering hope to Dylan and Olivia that God loved them with an IMMEASURABLE love and would restore their joy and put a smile on their heart that would be evident and contagious.

I am thinking about this this evening because I am reflecting on the adolescents they have become. They are kind and thoughtful. They are helpful and satisfied. They have joy. They have opportunity. They have dreams. They have a family that loves them and values what they have added to our lives.

Without them I would not be who I am. I would not have grown into understanding how adversity enables your dreams to be bigger and your hopes to be higher and your expectations to be exceeded...even in the darkest of days.

This month, Dylan and Olivia had an opportunity to visit Jamaica on a mission's trip. In fact, I just paused in my writing because I remembered that she had something for me to share with all of my facebook friends and I have been spinning since I got home from Utah 2 days ago trying to catch up. When I read her letter...it is the SAME THEME as this post!! I am overwhelmed by God's promptings of His children who desire to follow Him for GREAT-ER things!!!

I will attach her letter to this post so that it is always connected to this writing. Her heart is so connected to His. I remember our vacation that we took them on just 6 weeks after they came to live with us. We went to St. Martin each year for 2 weeks and 2004 was no different. It was just that we took 2 more kids with us. Traumatized kids. I remember giving Olivia an iPod with Christian music on it. She used it often. While we were there, she was outside one day and the way our condo was built, there was a set of steps that from the ground floor appeared to just stop in the middle of the air with only the sky beyond them. The clouds were puffs of cotton against the Carribbean blue sky and there was Olivia with her hands stretched wide and high as she talked to God about her parents. She praised Him by doing this. She praised Him as she sang. She sought Him. He was there. At that moment I knew that she had a gift of faith that would enable her to thrive in life amidst such difficult circumstances. I realized at that moment too how blessed I was to watch her grow as He satsified her soul through her trust in Him and Him alone.

And now today, more than 7 years later, I see God in every aspect of her life. She chooses her friends wisely. She does not engage in petty nonsense as is easily part of a teenage girl's life. She is a great friend. She is honorable. She is loyal.
And now today, she is beginning her second week in Florida with a family that has remained steadfast in their support of both of them through the years. They were the next door neighbors of theirs at the time of the tragic event. Today, they are the best of friends and strongest of supporters but they no longer live next door. They are the kind of friends that feel the sense of obligation and responsibility but above all else a call to love these kids and keep them connected to their past life. It blesses me to see how God works, how He heals us, how He lifts us up when we are down.

As Dylan left to meet Olivia in Florida today, I saw the incredibly independent and cautiously confident young man he is becoming. I saw his excitement and yet his gentle approach toward his experiences when they are not as predictable as the day-to-day routine. That is another comfort to me...to watch him step out when change is not something he looks forward to. He has learned that in ALL things he possesses the ability, through the grace of God, to grow...and heal through every new adventure. His journey has created a quiet confidence and a solid peacefulness that is comforting not only to him, but those who are close to him.

For me, this day, I had recurring thoughts of my own journey. I thought of the challenges of our lives. I thought of the unfairness. I thought of the meanness that has reared its ugly head and spews venom whenever possible. Forces with presence always exist, but power does not have to be given to them. Then I realized what it is that God keeps revealing to me and that is the beauty that has been birthed out of the ashes. And that brings this verse in Isaiah to mind: "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." Isaiah 61:3.

No other words are necessary.

Olivia's letter:

Dear Friends and Family,

As many of you already know, last week, Dylan and I went on a mission trip with Mission Discovery to Montego Bay, Jamaica. It was a great experience and I was blessed to be able to go. While we were there, we worked 7-hour days, building and repairing a deaf school, played with kids at Vacation Bible School, and also we got to spend a day at an orphanage. Meeting Jamaican children at the deaf school and the orphanage was one of the coolest things that ever happened to me. I wish I could have done more to help them.

Before the trip, Dylan and I had sent out letters asking for support for the trip. We did not get as much financial support as we had hoped, and we are hoping to be given the opportunity to be asked to go next year. I just wanted to thank those of you who did send in donations, but if you would like, we would greatly appreciate your donations for Dylan and I.

Dylan and I have been through something that most people I know have never experienced and most likely will never, but God has made it all good. My family and I have been through even more challenges in the past few years. This trip has impacted me. The orphanage showed me how lucky I am to be blessed with parents that God chose to love me, but these kids may never know what it feels like to be loved, only to not have the hope of love. Going there and spending time with those kids let them know that we are there to provide a hope and a future, and I would love to offer them the hope like I have again next year. Again, I wanted to truly thank those of you who did decide to support. Those of you who did not, this is your opportunity to bless others! Donations, even now as they will be applied to the trip we just took as well as the one we plan to take next summer. It is very expensive to be doing God’s work so far away!

God Bless!
Olivia Pompa

WAIT AND SEE

2011-07-19T18:06:00.004-04:00

There are times in life when friendships disappear and there are times in life when friendships reappear. There are also those times when out of nowhere a friendship appears that we were not expecting. If you are like me, you may not trust the ones who disappear, may be skeptical of the ones which reappear and overwhelmingly blessed by the ones that just seem to drop out of the dark and into the light or into the light and make it even brighter. I cannot begin to tell you from the recesses of my heart how disappointed I have been in people that I have expected would always be part of my life. I have learned that it is not that they are intentionally resisting my presence in their life as much as they are resisting what they may not understand or simply involved in their own lives and cannot or will not make time for things that take unnecessary effort. Whichever the scenario, I have grown less disappointed in those absences and more expectant of those who God will bring into my life. Let's face it, as we mature in this journey of life, we learn that life is a game of keeping up with life. The more we are called to manage, the more unmanageable we can feel our life is.

I have felt this way for years. I may have kept managing my friendships as a way of preserving my"self". The challenges that I faced and the way life pressed in caused me to desire to cling to anything familiar. Although maybe I am more inclined to stay in touch with those I care about because my life as a child was very lonely and who I wanted to be with most was elusive (my mom) and I learned through painful experience that I NEVER want to walk that road again.

As in love with my husband as I have always been and expectant of our life together, it was riddled with complications that forced loss accompanied by complicated gain. There is a verse that God has given my husband and I over and over and it is this: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten--the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm--my great army that I sent among you." Joel 2:25.

I have written before about how I look at every challenging and painful experience as something that comes from the hand of God. Because I know this to be true...it is His way of setting us on His course, redirecting our path, often our hearts as well and calling us to a position of passion and purpose that we soemtimes can only dream of. Our comfort zones are not places of excitement, but security. How can we be moved when we are satisfied? How can we be used by Him when our purpose is to serve and maintain ourselves?

The friendships that I sought to preserve were comfortable for me as well. They resembled what I knew of myself. Letting go of who I was for who God wanted me to become was a process that took years to connect with and let go of, simultaneously. Through this process, one of the most disappointing realities was in who didn't remain. But just as in all the other areas of my life, I knew that God would make up for it. Suddenly it is happening. People are coming into our life that feel led to be involved and lead us into our next destinations of our journey through life as God is directing. My awareness of this is heightened as I believe He wants me to realize that HE is doing it. He is making up for what He has allowed that which has caused our family pain. This has become a source of excitement for me as God never does anything in a mediocre way. The friendships that are accompanying this process have satisfied me in a way I always desired, but failed to experience. Again I think of the verse above.

I write out of my pain. I think about many things I have experienced. I think constantly. But if life weren't hurling chaos I wouldn't have a reason to think. I even think I overthink :-) I also write as a result of my purpose: to encourage those who are walking through their own wilderness and wonder where God is. HE IS RIGHT THERE WITH YOU AND HE IS MORE THAN ABLE TO SATISFY YOUR SOUL AS WELL AS GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART! He does this when you surrender to the process and let go of what it is that you expected, and reach in to the reality that He "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20.
Don't restrict Him. Let Him have His way. He will always BE exceedingly more and DO exceedingly more than we could possibly conceive in our finite minds and it pleases Him to know we are waiting for Him and Him alone.

Immeasurable Loss/Immeasurable Pain...Where Does It Lead?

2011-06-01T21:08:00.007-04:00

I have watched with pride the pain of 3 young men in the past few months. Pride and Pain should not be in the same sentence. Neither should an adjective such as immeasurable be attached to Loss or Pain for kids. The only outlet I have for my own confusion is to write. It heals me. I am broken for 3 boys that have lost one of their parents. I am broken for my own who lost them both at the same time. I went through the depth of loss with Dylan and Olivia 7 years ago. I felt so under-qualified for the task of restoring their hope, their life and the opportunities within it, but I had the role of the one who was called to just that. I had no choice but to embrace the challenge. I suddenly realized in the past few weeks that I am finally restored. My family is restored. My hope is restored...and now it is time to offer others who are hurting...hope. I didn't even realize that it was there until my heart was aching for them that I had something to say...and I feel it just oozing out of me. It is almost uncontrollable. I can only hope they "heard" me. It is not my voice that matters, but God's heart.

How could I possibly have spoken into their desolation if we had not been desolate? How could I have lifted their spirits if ours had not been lifted? And how could I say with certainty that God will show them a measure of favor if He had not shown that to us?

When we are empty and confused, what else matters other than to know that we will be ok? If you are like me, being ok just isn't enough. I want to know that there is an everlasting and enormous hope that stands on the other side waiting for me when I am in pain. I want to know that my God is there and that He will reveal Himself in a way that says He believes that I am worthy of His mercy. How can I be in that place if I am not in pain? How can I watch Him be who He is if I am not who I am...challenged, struggling, confused and uncertain?

So to you INCREDIBLY FAVORED CHILDREN OF GOD (even more of you than perhaps I am referring to specifically as I write)...remember...HE LOVES YOU. HE IS WITH YOU IN YOUR PAIN. HE WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU TO YOURSELF AND YOUR FEARS. The only responsibility He gives you is to choose which direction your mind focuses. That is often where the battle lies. Do not give in to the fears associated with uncertainty. That is a place where your heart can be healed, your purpose born and your passion nutured.

Character is never rich unless it is born out of adversity. CS Lewis, a renowned biblical scholar, has been quoted as saying this: "But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

When we are hurting, people are watching. When we experience tremendous loss and are lost within it, it is much more difficult to understand how we will ever find our hope or a purpose that matters. Our foundation has been shaken and our hearts are crumbling. We just want our life to be "normal" again. We want to smile again without restraint. We want the pain that weighs us down to be lifted so that we can have fun again. We smile, but we hurt. We laugh, but inside we are crying.
I can identify with this emotional process because I have been there. I have watched my own children as they were there. And even now, I am there.

I do not have much figured out about life, but one thing I do know and that is that I would much rather feel this type of pain with the certainty that God is with me and that He will direct my path and that while He may not have chosen it, He will work it for good in my life. Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I know that He has created a purpose for me that is far better than what I could have chosen without Him. While there are plenty of times that I am left in a state of confusion and loss, I only have the ability to express my heart as a result of my experiences, not because I understand it.

I hope this encourages those of you are have lost so much in life. I hope you remember how big God really is. I hope you expect Him to reveal great things in your life and I hope that you stand still and wait...and do not lose heart. That is where I am. It isn't easy to be patient. "Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4 : 16 He knows we are weak. He understands our impatience. We may feel our pain is too much to bear, but if we remember Him in it, we will emerge with greater character than the ones who have not endured and therefore we will be capable of making a greater difference in this world due to a greater understanding of what it means to stay the course as we anticipate the result...and it is guaranteed to be difficult as we put one foot in front of the other...but it will be ok.

Sometimes God touches our lives is ways we aren't prepared for. But if we trust Him...we will soon realize that staying the way we "were" is boring and growing into who we "are" is challenging...but satisfying. Who does God want you to become through your pain? You will find you could never become (on your own) who He wants you to be and it will be MORE THAN OK!!!

A Stirring Occurring

2011-03-25T10:00:00.000-04:00

When I found out that a few of my friends...who connected by "divine design" were determined to mobilize an effort to help our family, I was humbed once more. Their energy directed toward that effort has shown me yet again that God calls us all to a purpose beyond ourselves.
I am grateful for God leading their efforts as the devastation has been incredible. Maintaining five children with a significantly diminished income and insurmountable legal bills; as well as the fallout from the gross distortions and allegations have more than taken their toll on our family.
While I realize that there is purpose in all adversity, the challenges that press in certainly have a ripple effect in which even more pain is felt that the overarching one that will be sorted out in the courts.
I recently watched a series of videos by Andy Andrews called The Butterfly Effect. He speaks of how every action we take in life makes a difference. I wake up every morning with the determination to make a difference within the space and time that I am living. I believe that I have many friends out there that know that know our family's character and want to show their support. I have wondered if our silence has been misinterpreted. But I also understand that every thing has a season and its own time. I have been changed through my silence. I have learned a level of compassion for those hurting that I never would have understood any other way if it weren't for my own pain...and what I am sure of is that God calls us through those challenging circumstances to stay faithful, remain steadfast in our trust of Him, and hopeful for what can be produced as a result.
While it is somewhat embarrassing to be in the situation we are in without the truth setting us free (at least at this point), I have realized that unless we are willing to lay ourselves bare, trust God for the outcome working to our ultimate benefit, we cannot experience healing and restoration on all the levels that He desires for our lives. Romans 8:28 is a verse we have been quoting for over a decade in our home...between my husband's illness, the loss of the twin's parents, our reformed family and the challenges associated within it...and now this. God has proven faithful in all areas, I will continue to put my hope and faith in the ONLY ONE who has the power to bring beauty of out ashes.
Thank you so much friends. I have learned who my real friends are in my life and I treasure the ones that God continues to bring into our life for His purpose to be fulfilled on this earth.

Lifting His Arms

2011-03-24T08:07:00.005-04:00

Our life at times feels as if it is coming apart...I trust God for the outcome, but the challenges along the way are beyond me. This speaks to my heart...especially concerning all that my husband is dealing with: Exodus 17:8-13 says: "Moses stood on top of the hill with the rod of God in his hand overlooking the battlefield, and as he lifted it up it showed their dependence upon the Lord and there would be no victory without God's intervention. The Israelites prevailed while the rod was lifted and when Moses' arms were too tired to lift up the rod, Aaron and Hur found a rock for Moses to sit on and they held up his hands." Please pray for my husband...I am not the only one who God calls to "lift up his arms".
In the battle in Exodus 17, Moses was feeling weary. When his arms got tired and he could no longer "hold up his arms" the enemy would start winning the battle. Where we are in our life's journey, there is an overwhelming amount of opposition. It is truly beyond explanantion. During this battle in Exodus, God sent Aaron and Hur to each come alongside of Moses and hold up his arms. As a result, they won the battle and Moses' strength returned to him. I often write to encourage others through what I have been allowed to understand as a result of my own battle. But today I am writing as a request for you, my friends, to stand in the gap and lift not just Danny's arms, but mine as well as we fight our enemies. I believe, beyond any explanantion, that our power to defeat what comes against us daily will be done through the people of God, aligning themselves for the purpose of God, and supporting this man of God, as He leads this mission to expose this epidemic and all that comes against us as we trudge into the enemy territory of the culture in which we live.
And as you do, I believe we will all see miracles happen! You know I will keep you informed as we fight...in each victory, as well as seeming defeat, as our battle truly belongs to the Lord.
1 Samuel 17:45-47 reminds us of David's faith in God: Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give you into our hand.”
I have come to understand that our battles belong to God. Like David, I have more faith in God than in any "giant" in my life. My faith is all I have and yet I know that it is everything I need...and more. If you want to test Him, (and even if you haven't given it thought at the level I am suggesting), PLEASE join us in our battle. Come before God on our behalf and watch Him work...this is what so many need to see in their own lives but fear putting their trust in Him so that they can experience it. Trust Him with me...I will take whatever you will give and so will He. I will not be disappointed and neither will you. The challenges we all have are not too big for Him...we are sometimes just too big to give them to Him.

15 YEARS OF PURPOSE/10 YEARS OF PAIN

2011-03-23T10:36:00.006-04:00

Today is our anniversary. I think many of you know my respect for my husband and all that he is especially for those of you that have been touched by his brilliant mind and compassionate heart. Today I want to remind him of the man that satisfies our family beyond his life's work. Today is the perfect opportunity to remind him of the investment that he makes into our children each day that has and will shape them into the adults they will become. Whether it is getting to the heart of a motive or lack of or fishing in the lake he invests 100% of himself into each place he travels with them. He also calls me to a higher standard in my motives for being an effective mom in a culture in which teaching moment after teaching moment arises throughout each day. He has also helped to shape me as a woman in ways too numerous to mention. As a man and a doctor, there are countless people that have rallied to his side and many that have been birthed out of the adversity in a way that only God could provide for his support and encouragement.
On our 15 year anniversary, the last 10 have certainly been difficult and they have chiseled away at both of us with heartfelt losses along the way. As we have felt the pressure of life remove bits and pieces of us bit by bit, we have also experienced that there is purpose in all suffering. There is life after loss. There is even tremendous hope that we can offer to others as they suffer in their own pain.
I cannot think of a more perfectly suited man to walk this walk with me and my own challenges nor can I imagine not standing by his side as God brings us through each trial for a reason much greater than ourselves and something that will last well beyond this lifetime.
Happy Anniversary Danny...I will remind you...as well as myself today that the man you have become through such difficulty is on a journey toward a destination that has the ability to change a paradigm for an unnecessarily suffering culture and as our God works in and through us to accomplish His purpose...He knows best what the most effective route is for His goals to be achieved in our lives. As He tarries...I will also remember that the journey is the destination so that I do not grow weary in the challenging circumstances. Our circumstances will not define us...only our God will.
I LOVE YOU!

Interrupted By God

2011-03-11T10:20:00.007-05:00

"Sometimes the crossroads define us and we are not meant to find our way back, but find the new path that intersects at the crossroads. Finding our way back isn't an option when God has used our past to define our future." ~Me :-)

I wrote this as a response to a post when someone was suggesting that we turn around if we get off track and find our way back and all will be well. I have learned that when we are desiring to be used by God for His purpose(s) we will never go back to where we came from. While the pain is felt at every level of our life and within every fiber of our being, the focus that is removed from our life is self. After all...it is His purpose even if we are fueled by it and excited for it. Even though we are all struggling to remain intact in the midst of life's twists and turns, it is in the place that we abandon our "self" that we find our heart's desire. This is accomplished with less reisistance and pain for some but there certainly is a common thread that goes along with determination and that is persistance. Persistance keeps us on track until we meet our goals, but when God interrupts us in our quest to accomplish our "self-ish" goals we spend the first portion of His blatant agenda preserving self until we realize He is going to have His way and there is nothing we can do to change that other than surrender to the process. Our prayer then becomes: let me learn every lesson You desire to teach me so that I do not have to stay here any longer than necessary. While the discomfort can be disturbing...as interruptions are...the ability to bring comfort to others begins to come out as we are squeezed. We begin to see others challenges from a perspective of empathy rather than apathy. We realize that there are many types of personalities that we are confronted with each day and to truly lead effectively we must have patience and understanding for those that do not look at life through the same lenses. Let's face it, the "lenses" each of us has are there as a result of our life's experiences. How we perceive, interpret, and handle life is a direct result of what we learned through our fears and reactions to them and therefore expect as an outcome to our response. When our response no longer accomplishes our goals, we shift gears. When the shift doesn't produce the desired result (sometimes repeatedly) we will eventually get to a place where we realize God is going to have His way and no amount of action or reaction by us will change that.
When we truly let go, we become free. Free from the determination to have our way and free from the burdens that go along with having our own way. We trust He knows best and His will is best. When we live by His paradigm, we also realize there is much more life to be lived because He controls and allows everything for His glory and we, as His children were created to glorify Him. When we can understand that reality, our fears shift toward excitement. How much more effective will we then be when we release the fear of holding on and realize that the ONLY ONE who can gives us the absolute best life has to offer, and desires to do just that, is THE ONE in control?!! I have struggled with this myself and it hasn't been until I stubbornly dug in and realized God digs in even more, not to harm me or my "self" but to help me find my true self that is truly devoted to His call and cannot rest until that call is realized that I have begun letting go. I certainly see myself within it, but it is not the same restless self. It is the self that knows, the one that is connected to His spirit, that He will make it happen if I just remove myself from the determination to "make it happen".
In Psalm 37:4 the Psalmist said “Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” If we are passionate about God, we can trust our passions. It is when we are determined to have our way, that His way cannot be realized. We are held back. We are limited. Following God knows no limits. Even though I have been a slow learner, I feel I am now on the fast track and my head space has advanced despite my physical place. I can tell you as one who feared, there is nothing to fear. The anticipation of the goal realized has taken on a new excitement. There is also a fresh assurance. We do not have to fear that our heart's desire is in contrast to God's heart. Through a surrendered life comes a sense of urgency for your purpose. Under these circumstances, that purpose will be in direct alignment with His heart and therefore it is trustworthy. You will feel a freedom as you release yourself and let Him control the steps He has already ordained. The path is different for each of us, but the destination is the same: defined self, redefined mission, purpose-filled destination. Abandon yourself to the process and do not look back...the crossroads are right in front of you...take the step and feel the freedom in your soul. It may not look like you expected, but what you expected never looked so good!

A New Decade of Hope

2011-01-01T12:07:00.005-05:00

I expect it is safe to say that we all have challenges we are hoping to put behind us as not only a new year, but a new decade is upon us. While it is always exciting dealing with anticipation of new possibilities, it is important to not forget where we have come from...what those challenges in our lives have created for us as well as revealed in us so that we can learn, grow and offer more than we would have been able to otherwise.

When I reflect, and reflecting on a decade, especially during this stage of my life, encompassing a wide range of experiences, I realize I have grown from and through each of them. I began as a still "enamored by love" wife, an energetic young mother and a child that was still residing within, attempting to make sense of the new responsibilities while confronting the old demons that were always there...or so it seemed. I ended this decade as a steadfast wife, committed to my husband, not just because of duty, but respect for the man he has become (and the man he was impressed me enough to marry him), a confident mother in a family that collided, with an ability to see each child's heart, insecurities and strengths that enable me to direct and dictate the pace for each as they find their place within the world and begin to apply their uniqueness into niches that exist...hopefully for the purpose of making this world a place where hope still exists and leaders still lead, to bring those who lack hope and purpose, inspiration and direction.

Somewhere along the way, I realized, as I transitioned from my determined and optimistic self, that we all have within us an energy that supercedes our ability to eminate enjoyable life and it simply enables us to live. When our hearts are in turmoil, and there is nowhere to run and no escape route, we are forced to turn inward and hopefully upward, for the wisdom that only a Creator of our soul is capable of sustaining and sprinkling with hope. There is no way we could attain this perspective...one that reveals life where there has been fresh and unending death.

In my life, and I am sure any of you can identify with this as it is relative to each of our own life experiences, my new husband was no longer available to me the way he had been and I had expected. He was caught in a hell that he was determined to find a way out of and I was determined to have him come back into reality as a hope and voice for others suffering. At the time, I didn't realize that when he came back, he would not be who he once was. My once "enamored by love" self would have to see through a new lens of hope if I was going to be able to continue the journey alongside him with a fresh perspective that was going to be of even more value, but not to myself as I had once anticipated, but to others as I soon learned that was where a life well lived would ultimately find its value.

The very hope that I had in him (Danny) for completing me, had to be understood so that I could trust in the One (Jesus) who wanted me to be satisfied by Him, the lover of my soul, and not a man who could not possibly provide the soul satisfaction that every human desires.

As purpose is born, perspective is as well. When we align our purpose with God's agenda, it isn't hard to find that satisfaction. It comes to us automatically. It is as if someone turned on the water and an empty spring was filled. My existence has elements of emptiness riddled within the pages and yet God has enabled further painful experiences to bring hope and healing into my life and now I can see that there are glimpses for me that this will manifest in even greater ways into the lives of others than had I not had that pain of rejection and heartache of loneliness and isolation. The difference is, and it wasn't this way until I surrendered my will, not only am I healing, but I am hoping in an even greater way than before, not of what I had "seen" in my own mind's eye for how I thought my life would best reflect my goals, but now I see through God's eyes, and wait as He directs my steps with each opportunity that comes my way. The opportunities would not be there if it were based on my desires in the same way because they would be self-gratifying which is never sustaining or fulfilling at a heart level. "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4

Even as parents, we begin our journey with an expectation of how we will raise our children, how they will respond as we do, and how our family will reflect our values and priorities. It seems that we can package this nicely and precisely and the result will be predictable. Once again, my life's example may be more extreme than most, but it is still reflective of the fact that regardless of our determination, effort and expectations, life does not cooperate with our intentions. While I initially thought this to be a cruel reality, I now realize that it is precisely what is necessary for the life well-lived. I was listening to JK Rowling in a clip to the graduating class at Harvard and she said this: "So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. I was set free because my greatest fear had been realized and I was still alive...and still had a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all."

While the circumstances of her life are dramatically different than my own, her words resonated with what has been learned through my own dashed expectations. And this is where I find myself...between rock bottom and hope. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5.

She concluded her thought with this: "We speak about success all the time but failure doesn't get spoken about enough. Everyone involved in Harry Potter has experienced failure. While I do not want to romaniticize failure, rock bottom is liberating."

So regardless of what type of failure we have experienced in the past decade of this life, do not be held back and crippled or worse yet, paralyzed by it. Allow it to be your building block of hope. Do not let the past dictate your future, unless it liberates your senses to experience the desire within each of us to experience a life well lived. That life can only be lived well with purpose and hope and releasing ourselves to the process of pain which is used for the purpose of healing the wounds that debilitate our hopes. Do not let what you have experienced hold you back, allow it to enable you to apperate your soul for the potential to bloom among the thorns of your life for the purpose that exists beyond this life.

A Christmas Gift For My Dad

2010-12-24T14:27:00.006-05:00

What do I give you? You never want anything and grumble when I buy you something...or, as is the case this year, just being financially squeezed to the point where I know you would be disappointed if I even made an attempt to give you a present? I think about the alternative and realize that the ONLY gift I can give you is something that I think of daily but do not find the words or the "right" time to say: My life is blessed because you are in it. When Mom married you I had never known any dad that I could claim as mine. Consequently, my desire for a dad was great, but my understanding of a dad's role was intimidating to me since I only knew the affection of my mom and grandparents. As I reflect on who you were at that time to me: you represented security. You gave me a life I could only dream of. I was used to chicken 4 nights a week because it was inexpensive, cutting coupons, used cars that were always littered with newspapers and driven by Papap who I spent most of my drive time with and ironically enough, since that was all I knew, it wasn't until I was living in the new reality that you had created for us that I realized I could dream even bigger. I began to realize that the lonliness of my childhood was being filled with opportunities that led me toward a future that didn't have to look gloomy as the days that I sat waiting for my mom who never seemed to be there for me in the way that I longed for. I could now hope for more in life rather than be limited by life.

I realize that I very well may have worked even harder to have opportunities as I got older, but the opportunities that you created for me were gifts that I am so thankful for. Perhaps that is why I desire to indulge my children in opportunity. Our life's paradigm is one we can choose to create, but it is also one we can be gifted with and when we recognize the gift, we can appreciate not only who we are, but who we have the opportunity to become. You know the desire of my heart is never to forget where I came from as my core values were created out of little else but my Papap's determination to point me toward God and His truth and yet as I have been exposed to more because of your gifts in the form of opportunity and trust in my judgment that gave me more freedom and my heart's desires have increased to a greater scope of purpose beyond survival to purpose.

While I find myself challenged as a mother of 5 children, all of them intentionally being raised to be independent as well as leaders equipped with an understanding of the human condition, I also believe my determination to further indulge them in opportunity was planted within me through you. You may not realize that your generosity has revealed that to me, but I have given much thought to this: How could I come from where I began and be overwhelmed with challenges and yet still determined to expect and trust God for His provisions (which come not just through opportunities, but through people) as I am waiting for His next prompt for our next step in my own life as well as my children's futures?

There are promises that God has given to me that keep me encouraged through the difficult times of this season of my life and my ability to realize that God desires to give good things to His children (aside from the fact that the Bible says so) in a practical way is because I have experienced you doing this for me. Had you not been in my life I would not have been able to connect with this possibility. The absence of a father would have left me empty and disbelieving in how much our Father in heaven desires to give good things to His children. "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11. God brought me a perfect compliment to my personality with patience for my urges, an ability to see beyond the wounds of my childhood to my heart with desire and determination to live life with passion and purpose, and a steadfast support that still to this day keeps me.

There is no better time to tell you this. While Jesus was born into this world in order to be offered to us for the sacrifice for our own weaknesses, God has allowed me to see that He has given you to me so that I can accept the gift of opportunity you have given to me so that I could aspire to become more than I would have been able to without you. This Christmas I am blessed to share this part of my understanding of your role in my life. It is never overlooked or underappreciated.

Merry Christmas to the Greatest Dad any girl could ever have asked for! I love you!!!

Christmas Reflections

2010-12-23T21:45:00.005-05:00

As most people know, and either connectedly or absently celebrate Christmas, it is about the birth of "The Christ Child". As SAFE as that term may be when reading about or considering the impact of Christmas, is it NOT one, in my opinion, that allows Jesus the role of Lord and Savior. To me, that phrase feels distant.

When we celebrate, we commemorate an event. That means that the event has earned a rite to be significant. How is it that so much of our culture celebrates Christmas, but does not allow Jesus the role of Lord? Not only is this the norm, but additionally, the focus has become (for children and the parents that endorse fantasy over reality), Santa, flying reindeer, elves and other fictitious conjecture all the while not acknowledging Jesus as being born into this world, for the sole purpose of saving mankind from himself...the inherent sin that is within each one of us...so that we can spend eternity in paradise with The One who created us rather than eternally separated from His love and hope and His intention for the children He created for the purpose of loving Him back? That is a very long sentence...perhaps even a run on, but it wraps my whole theme into one or two concise lines filled with words that tug at my heart....and if it tugs at my heart, what must it do to our Heavenly Father's?

He is our Daddy. He desires a relationship with what He has created. Our lives have pushed Him out and replaced Him with not only the distractions of life, but the fake figures that have robbed him of His rightful role on this planet. The word sad comes to mind. So does appalling. I believe God to be merciful because the word of God says He is. Therefore He understands our plight that pushes and pulls us away from Him. No matter. When we take the time to be honest with ourselves, I also believe we can relate to the ways that life gets in the way...the very life that He has allowed us to have. Every breath we take is given and appropriated. If we can take the time to become introspective I think we can all admit what it is that we have allowed to replace Him.

I am so grateful that learning to love Him in a way that satisfies Him is not about my performance. If it were, I would have failed miserably from the start. I am glad that I do not have to be immersed in His word every day or have the politically correct response in every situation so as to not cause another to stumble because they found me in some way to be offensive. I have learned that as this world goes around, there are various people, personalities, opportunities, subjects, passions, needs, etc. that bring our disfunctional selves to places where He uses us. I have also found that in those places and spaces in time I have become satisfied. I do not stop being me because I am surrendered to Him, but I become a more content me. My purpose becomes more clear, my frustration less, my hope more evident, my love more genuine.

I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and found that I could not do that without revealing who I am as well as who I am becoming as God allows me to be worked over. While being tested I want to be proven worthy of being useful. Not because of what I am lacking, but because of what He is equipping me with and for. Where I used to find myself pushing forward out of holes in my soul or obligation, I now find myself looking back and realizing that it is through the holes that He has used what He has allowed or chosen for me to become satisfied. He filled holes with loss. He filled holes with hope. He filled holes with determination...and that is where I find myself...determined to be useful, so that I can honor His call, not just as a wife and mother, but also for others who find themselves where I have found myself...frustrated with circumstances (one after another) in which I was forced to action that pushed me and pulled me to dig deep and try harder and as I examined myself there, I didn't feel the peace that I knew God has reserved for those who trust Him and accept challenges with open hands and arms.

This Christmas, remember who He is: THE SAVIOR, IMMANUEL (GOD WITH US), KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORDS! If any of these words resonate with you, ask Him to show you Himself. That will translate into different realities for each of us. One thing I can say for sure: you will not be disappointed or sorry. You will be invigorated. You will be satisfied. Your soul will be satisfied. He will be honored. Honor Him. He is so worthy of our praise.

Merry Christmas!

My Mom's Eulogy--August 21, 2007

2010-12-16T18:33:00.004-05:00

As I reflected, I wrote down my thoughts.
With God’s help, here they are:

Volkwagens and Bobby Pins.
Germaine Monteil and Bonnie Bell.
Her hair in a bun and a scarf around her neck.
McClarens and the Jaye Shoppe.
The Ritz Shoppe and Joseph Hornes.
Royal Secret and Royal Oak.
Puppies and Pretzels.
Her hair in a bun and a scarf around her neck.

These are the things I think of:

Lonely, dreary days.
Waiting for my mom to come home.
No neighbors, no friends, just my mom.
HeeHaw, Lawrence Welk.
Mister Rogers and Sesame Street and Zoom.
Waiting for my mom to come home.

My mom was beautiful. She was fun and she was strong.
She spent as much time with me as she could.
I lived for her time with me.

Papap and Gramma.
A trapeze swing and a tractor.
Playing cards and Myron Cope.
Digging for worms and digging for potatoes.

If I was with them, I wasn’t with her.

As I grew, Papap took me to church.

I sang in the choir, endured boring services and knew Jesus was Lord.

Through my mom’s journey and hopefulness for better things for our life, she met my dad—the only dad I ever knew and from the first day of our new life—he was MY DAD.

Expectations aren’t always met and life is often NOT what you plan….we ALL know that to be true.

My mom struggled with unmet expectations but maintained steadfast devotion to the one who loved her most.

During her battle with cancer I watched God transition her mind from earthly concerns to eternal perspectives.

The sorrows she had turned to matters of trust to the one who saved her.

He doesn’t disappoint.

Her biggest concern was for my dad:

She told me a few months ago, “if I had to get cancer so that your dad could come to know the Lord, then it is worth it.”
Perspective.

She truly lived out the scripture, “My grace is sufficient and my power is made perfect in weakness.”

So often we came to console and found ourselves being consoled. And convicted.

Watching her suffer was hard for all of us, but seeing the peace that surpasses understanding that was upon her enabled everyone that looked on to know that this was not the woman that entered into this battle. She wasn’t going to let this disease take her life and her opportunity to overcome this world.
That is God’s promise: He says in his word, “I have overcome the world.”

We get caught up in so many issues of our days.

When faced with the reality of the conclusion of our lives, very little of our concerns actually matter.

The investments that are eternal are people, perspective and possibilities.

My mom struggled with her weaknesses—as we all do.
But she devoted her heart to the people that she loved. She also devoted her heart to her Lord, even if not always her perspective.

I am almost 40 years old and can recall my childhood and see that who I am is largely due to the investment she made in me—even though I do not think I could ever have gotten enough of her—God made up for the rest.

My faith, as hers, is always hopeful, always trusting and always expecting.
That is her greatest gift to me and I didn’t even realize where it came from until I saw God stripping away the junk and revealing what I always hoped was there and secretly knew it was.

Many times through this journey she has made back to her Lord, I would cry and tell her how bittersweet it all was to me….the mom I always knew was in there was finally being revealed but it was through tragedy—but ultimately triumph. She is triumphant. I, unfortunately have to wait until this life is over before I can experience the gift He gave her.
The gift He gave to me was to know the mom who I always expected as a little girl finally emerge in her time of death.

She has, as Jesus did, overcome the grave.

She sought forgiveness and asked for mercy and He gave it to her.

Her regrets caused her to persevere for God’s touch. He touched her.
This is not what the world considers healing, but it is a far greater healing than a physical one.

Of all the images I have forever etched in my mind, the greatest one to me is when my mom, at her weakest, would reach out for my dad and he would lovingly respond to her. The distance between them forever gone and the commitment they shared revealed.

Interestingly, the same thing has happened in her relationships with me as well as God too.
I am sure there are others who can boast the same. And as the bible says, we are not to boast in our strength, but in our weakness, because His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

People who know me well know that I always try to find the good in the difficult circumstances of life. I know now, where it comes from. It is just yet another gift she has given to me that surpasses everything I personally can accomplish.

It was just a few days ago when in her most pathetic state, seeing the decline of her strength, vitality and ability to communicate with words at its absolute worst, I sat by her side, tears rolling down my face and told her I never would have expected watching my mother die be such a beautiful experience.
She lifted her arms and touched my face and simply said, “I love you.”

She refused almost all pain medication in the final days before her death. She seldom grimaced and the peaceful countenance that was upon her face became the norm and not the exception as recent years have indicated.
God redeemed her. He redeemed me as well.
Our faith, always strong is now even stronger.
Our hope, always expecting, know knowing.
The possibilities of victory, the battle is over and my mom and all who saw it through God’s eyes, are the victors.
I thank you Jesus for the greatest gifts I have received in my life—a mom that loved me and a Savior who loved her so much that He redeemed her life, even when there was barely any life left—it was the most alive she has ever been. And it is only the beginning….

My Mom's Last Birthday July 29, 2007/19 days before she died from cancer

2010-12-16T18:27:00.006-05:00

Once you asked for shelter from above; Now you feel the embrace of His love.
Once you hoped to have deliverance from the pain; Now you know His comfort as you wait for THE DAY.
Once you questioned whether you were His; Now you know what is in THE GIFT.
It isn’t relief from the storm; But anticipation of a new morn.
You are blessed to see Him shine; In your darkness and in His time.
He LOVES you so to not take it away; But soon you will know the brightest of days.
For those who still do not know; Perhaps is why you still are waiting to go
He knows what He is doing; You know that now
It will soon be over and your understanding is proof; He is the author and we are the ones who have everything to lose;
If we do not accept His son's death on the cross; Our life is as a moth’s.
YOU are the victor in the battle he has chosen; To usher in eternal life and end the war in this world’s strife.
So I honor you Mom for all you are; Jesus is your hope and your destiny secure.
Praise be to the One who gave his Son.
Your time is almost nigh; But I will NOT EVER say good-bye; But “see you later” as I cry.
You are the Mom he chose for me; And blessed am I to know your destiny.
Forever our relationship is secure; Because His love is forevermore.
I thank God for securing your place; As you wait to see the glory of His face.
The stars of night that bring forth the day; Are the sign to me; Of God’s patience for our slowness of speed as we do not heed; And as we tarry and do not trust; His every prompt Which should be a must.
In this life we live and in return must give; Our striving to Him; As He makes treasures Out of men.
I LOVE YOU MOMMY --here and in eternity too
Merily

Postural Correction Is Not Just A Term We Use In Our Office :-)

2010-12-13T17:39:00.011-05:00

There are times when being misinterpreted can be very productive. It will allow further expoloration into what motivates us. When challenges motivate, we can become short-sighted and therefore not ultimately successful. But when the motivation gives way to inspiration, we are committed forever. Our reality begins to take on a new shape that enhances our vision. We can posture ourselves for success. We can position our headspace from a perspective of hope as we invest our heart and soul into every challenge God allows in our life.

If we do not allow anger and resentment for what cannot change and do not allow it to destroy the opportunities (often found in the form of obstacles), I do not believe we would allow anyone or anything's attempt to villify our course of action and we would hold even faster as we embrace our difficulties with FAITH. Remember that each challenge that enters our lives is sifted through the hand of God and therefore will ultimately be used for our benefit, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us.

I have postured myself. Doesn't everyone? Each position we assume can either make us bitter...or better.

I love Mark Twain's quotes. I find him insightful and witty. One of his quotes that suites me is: "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."

While I have tried countless attempts at bridging gaps or internal struggles within, it is a difficult place to be found when having to abandon self for the sake of God's purpose is the ONLY solution to restoration. While I cannot assume credit for living life discreetly, I certainly believe my positions in my inward as well as outward appearances, are within my scope of understanding both internally and externally and as Mark Twain has also quoted a statement that resonates with my personality "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." While your appearance may be judged and your intentions criticised, you do not have to accept criticism or judgment. In fact I would caution you that if you do, you will never advance to your God-given potential. He chooses us all according to His will. He creates us uniquely with various purposes, personalities, gifts, desires and tastes just as he has the animals on the earth.

I do believe my trust in the power and purpose of my God for His direction in my life is appropriated according to His will for my life. I have learned the hard way since I was a little girl experiencing abandonment and lonliness and fear that there is very little in life that we actually have control over. Our best position can be taken and we can be most prepared for whatever battle we find ourselves in when we are filled with trust in the larger plan that I believe is one in which He alone is responsible for. I have chosen to embrace rather than cower in the face of adversity. I realize that is counterintuitive to many...and particularly irritating to some who feel life owes them something for their challenges.

I can only speak from my own experiences and it is with determination that I posture myself to not just endure challenge but create purpose from it in my life. Alas, Mr. Twain: "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

I can honestly say, of three significant battles I have had or am facing, another of Mark Twain's quotes speaks: "Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain." I fear sickness. It is a driving factor in my understanding health. I see a hurting world. I see it occurring with such unnecessity. I see it occurring with such prevalence. I see it occurring with such a lack of explanation. When my "healthy" husband first got sick, I remember posturing myself from the perspective that it was an opportunity for all of his gifts to be used together to make a difference in the world on the topic of heaIth...and that is EXACTLY what we now do with our life's work. I also would run from certain uncomfortable scenarios in which I would have to embrace difficult circumstances in my life because it evoked a fear of losing control for the plans I had for my life. What did God allow me to be challenged with as a result of me holding tightly onto MY objectives? He forced me to open my LIFE and all that was/is within it for a greater purpose than I would have ever believed could have been achieved. If I wasn't 7 years into my reconstructed family I would never believe those challenging circumstances could have worked for the good of every one within its definition. My initial motivation was that I feared being imprudent in what I have been entrusted with. I wanted to honor God by rising to His call...regardless of whether or not I was comfortable with it. God was enhacing my life by giving me 2 additional children and whatever was connected to them...therefore we trusted others that were supposed to know more than we could have, would have or wanted to to direct our steps. Some of that direction was invaluable and some has proven to be pathetic. In any case, the challenges created yet another twist in the life we live and another quote by Mr. Twain becomes relevant: "Don't let schooling interfere with your education." I could have never learned in a thousand lifetimes what I have learned in my one but rather than allowing the circumstances to shape me I am determined to get as much as I can out of the process so that as this ONE life that I have been given is lived out, a richness brews...sometimes unseen...sometimes quite visibly seen...but when the aroma is being sent beyond myself through those who God chooses for us to cross paths with or into my children and into their life's reaches, there is something to be purposeful about. There is a remembrance of cross roads, of choices, of perspective, of trust, of faith, of hope and most importantly of what we are cultivating which ultimately is rooted in love. This type of love is not one that is caught, but it is one that is taught. As God allows certain circumstances to be walked through, there is going to be an aroma left behind. I do not want mine to be a stench of what was stolen, but a fragrance of what is possible when beauty is birthed out of the ashes.

Mr. Twain also says, "Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest." While I only have a few people (besides God) in my life that I am interested in truly gratifying, I do not really care how "the rest" perceive my life's agenda. I only have hopes that the ones who matter will see my efforts for what they truly are: sincere and determined to produce a yield beyond the sum of my fragmented life of insecurities, abandonment and sadness as a child, into one that richly blesses the world God has called me to live within. We will find the life God blesses when we live within our purpose. While it will be filled with distractions, distortions, deceptions, deletions; it will also be filled with substance that drives out our fears and replaces them with hope and purpose.

I would encourage you to remember what matters: our intentions which we have to acknowledge to ourselves and our Creator. Intentions affect how we live in relationship with others. Intentions will get us where we desire to go in life. When I looked at the definition I was surprised at how many definitions there were and they are all appropriate:
1.
an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.
2.
the end or object intended; purpose.
3.
intentions,
a.
purpose or attitude toward the effect of one's actions or conduct.
b.
purpose or attitude with respect to marriage.
4.
the act or fact of intending.
5.
Logic .
a.
Also called first intention, primary intention. reference by signs, concepts, etc., to concrete things, their properties, classes, or the relationships among them.
b.
Also called second intention, secondary intention. reference to properties, classes, or the relationships among first intentions.
6.
Surgery, Medicine/Medical . a manner or process of healing, as in the healing of a lesion or fracture without granulation (healing by first intention) or the healing of a wound by granulation after suppuration (healing by second intention).
7.
meaning or significance.
8.
the person or thing meant to benefit from a prayer or religious offering.
9.
Archaic . intentness.

I began this post awhile ago but it wasn't until the other day when a friend sent me this with the introduction "just saw this and thought of you" that I realized how appropriate this was to the conclusion of my ponder.
Poise: "Poise means holding fast to your principles and acting in accordance with them regardless of how bad or good the situation may be. Poise means avoiding pose or pretense, comparing yourself to others, or acting like someone or something you're not. Poise means having a brave heart in all circumstances." - John Wooden's Pyramid of Success
I think this could also be the definition for courage. Courage refers to qualities of spirit and conduct. Courage permits one to face extreme dangers and difficulties without fear. Courage keeps us staying the course despite the circumstances. Our posture CAN be interpreted in many ways. There will always be those who want to draw their own conclusions based on "appearances". That is not your concern. Those that matter, know the truth and those that don't...well...they don't matter.

Thankful on Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T13:10:00.009-05:00

Each year, as we have celebrated Thanksgiving, we have always implemented asking our kids to think of something that they are thankful for and share it before dinner. Our answers have always been the ones you would expect: First and foremost, we are thankful for Jesus, who laid down His life so that we could spend eternity with Him, Danny and I would next prioritize each other, then our children and our families.

We have endured unique challenges that have forced our attention toward our hope in those challenges as birthing a mission and purpose that we trust God to reveal. After each transitional period (or survival through them), we have attempted to exercise our faith as well as our hope that we have in Him. I don't question God's wisdom being greater than any I could understand, but I do fear at times His allowance of the burdens I am learning to let Him carry.

Each burden, while I can understand God giving me my personality and perspective that I seem to have; as well as trouble controlling this personality of mine oftentimes, I have allowed it to be an "excuse" for my reactions to things that rub me wrong, as well as the very blessing within me that allows me to embrace those challenges. Each burden or blessing (depending upon the day), I have shared with Him, carrying it within His plan, but I still felt the weight of it. There is a balance to be accepting of, but feeling the weight to the point that I justify my toil, which is NOT part of His plan. The bible says, "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:29-30.)

It is only in weakness of doing it this way, His way, is possible. I recently realized that while each challenge gives direction for life, it also can bring a greater sense of self. My thoughts and actions have often gone spinning as I attempt another plan, another level of resourcefulness, another way of either escape or embrace...again, depending on the day or the ability to adapt.

Our recent challenge, having the stamp of the enemy all over it and counterintuitive to my fiber of being, has enabled me to see with a new lens. Where past challenges have enriched my perspective, this one left me speechless within my internal reconciliation of understanding. It was in that space that I learned more about Thanksgiving than I ever knew possible. I learned how to let go. I let go of my gifts for optimism, my determination for truth to be "heard", even my expectations of what I thought was a nearing of the end of our valley that we have been in for so long. I am more thankful now than ever for Who I serve, Who has called me to purpose and Who has perfectly orchestrated my weaknesses for His glory.

Because I have no where to go to create another plan, find another path, commit another day, I am surrendered. Surrendered to Him. The fears I have had in letting go are beginning to bring me peace. I am not the same wife, not the same mother and certainly not the same child of God. While I have let go of my natural perspective to remain determined to dig deep within, I now trust God for just enough grace for the day. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2Corinthians 12:9

He has allowed me to placed in a situation that I can only look at how my life can honor Him. I have begun wondering whose life I am meant to speak into as I walk out His road to mission and purpose. I can assure you, I do not relish the pain, but I am focused on the purpose. I hold onto the expectation alone that our Father wants great things for His children. Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

He knows my heart is bent toward Him. He has entrusted me with a God-fearing man with a tremendous anointing on his life and 5 incredible children who are all uniquely blessed and burdened as well. I have failed plenty, but I have not avoided the challenges in physical fear, although there have been times when the emotional scars of my youth have stood in the way of all I desired to be in those places of purpose.

I have also learned that the place of purpose is right where we are. It is not in the next chapter. It is in the one we find ourselves in today. Trust Him with your life. Trust Him with your marriage. Trust Him with your children. Trust me...you will NEVER understand His ways, but you will always rise above your circumstances if you surrender your heart to Him. "...hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:5 That is where my hope is. I cannot help my expectation, but it is no longer in MY plan, but in His. I walk each day out in His grace and expect one day He will show up and show off as any father would for a child determined to have her Daddy's best!

May we “Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, And His truth endures to all generations.” --Psalm 100:4-5

Happy Thanksgiving!

To My Wife Merily, On Her 43rd Birthday

2010-11-16T21:50:00.006-05:00

I wanted to honor you in a special way during this difficult time. At the most stressful time of our lives, I believe God is showing us what is most important-"RELATIONSHIPS".
Our relationship with our Lord being at the top and then our relationship with each other. Our relationship with our children will be determined by our dedication, commitment, and our love for each other and our love for God. With that said, I want to honor you by reading this in front of our children to show them my love, admiration, and respect I have for their mother.

Merily,
I love you! I do not say it enough perhaps, but I hope my commitment to you and the actions I live out on a daily basis speaks it louder than my words.
I can't imagine a more perfect wife for me. God knew I needed a strong woman-strong you are. During my time of illness you were more than there for me. You reminded me of who I was and what God had called me to. You took our vows seriously, "for sickness and in health". You have honored me in both and stuck by my side. Not many people could have stuck by me during that time. You know I always said it would have been easier if I had had cancer. Only you and God know how difficult it was at that time. And just when we thought we were clear of that challenge, we were facing another. This time, the decision to take on 2 children after we just had a new baby (Simon). I was wavering but you never did. The media, "The Grandmother" or anyone can say what they want, but I saw your commitment to Dylan and Olivia from Day One. Again, no one but myself and God know what you have done for me and those children. NOBODY! God knew, just like with me, exactly what they needed to be whole. Satan used grandma to stop you from being their mom but God said, "NO!"
Nothing can stop what God puts in motion. His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
People give me credit for getting Dylan well when it was really your dedication and stubbornness that got him well. He would not be where he is today in school without your determination to make him independent. Any other mom, especially in a situation like ours, would have allowed him to dictate the pace-not you. You reminded him of who he was as well as who he could become-like you did me.
Olivia would be lost without you. You never allowed her to control as she tries and fall victim to Satan's plan. I would never have been able to do what you did and are doing for her. I just do not have the strength to do so. I do not know another mother who does. God knew. The very thing you are criticized for is the very trait God saw that this family needs. I can speak for us all and say thank you and we all love you.
The three boys all need you in different ways. Daniel needs you for his anchor to keep him grounded. He, like you, has to talk in order to do life and also talk "it" out just to stand firm. He also needs you to badger with-I just can't keep up. Izik needs you to keep reminding him of who he is and that he can do whatever he sets his mind to. Izik is me so only you will fill that something "us Pompa's" need-especially during breakdowns. Simon needs only a whole lot of love that only you are able to give him. God has great purpose for him and that needs to be nurtured. That too, is being provided by you. That boy is anointed for God's kingdom.

I am not the greatest writer and struggle to put my feelings on paper, therefore this is only a fraction of my feelings for you. Our times have been hard the last 10 years but I know that God has purpose in it all. Nobody will ever know what you are to this family outside of God and to some extent, myself. I have to believe that is why you have it so hard. I love you Merily and I could never make it without you-nor could these kids. God knows.

VOICES: Danny's 45th Birthday Tribute...A Crechendo of Pain And A Crechendo of Purpose

2010-11-03T20:24:00.010-04:00

There is a voice inside each of us...it acknowledges our potential as well as our fears. It is easy to listen to the voice that speaks the loudest. I have been in the life of a man...who for the first decade of our relationship (5 years dating and almost 5 years of marriage) easily heard the voice of potential. In fact, if he ever forgot it was screaming at him, all he needed to do was to watch our wedding video where the videographer asked me the question as I was going in to the wedding chapel, what is was about him that I was most attracted to? My response? "His potential!"

Potential drives us. It ignites our passion. It speaks to our soul. It trusts in our call...especially when it is a mandate from God. What it cannot do is unwind the wounds which are nothing more than ways we have coped, lies we have believed, and roadblocks to our destiny.

As I sit and think about those voices in my own head and compare them to my husband's, I realize that Danny is anointed. While that term used to intimidate me, I now realize that what God selects for each of our surrendered hearts is perfectly equipped in every way to fulfill its destiny. For Danny, his anointing focuses on the call. Nothing detracts from his focus except enormous and painful distractions that hold his heart hostage, like birth pains in labor. Because he is fallible the process of learning to surrender to the dance is the greatest challenge. It supersedes every wound. I often remind myself that while each blow to his body, soul and spirit have wounded him, they have been wounds that are being healed by God Himself and they were allowed for a much larger purpose than what we can understand with our limited ability to conceive of God's ways.
1 Corinthians 2:9 comes to mind: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." We are not able to know exactly what that means in our trials, but God knows that in our finite ability to understand the pain we endure during this life, His promises give us hope.

The second half of our marriage...the next 10 years, has shown the other voice's determined whispers and clanging for the purpose of creating fear. Fear of the unknown.

The knowledge he gained through his sickness has taken him on a journey into places of understanding of the workings of the body that he otherwise never would have visited. God Himself allowed the once virile man to fall captive to the law of diminishing returns. I can remember the places and spaces along the way that anticipated a healthy body again one day...and expectantly on this side of Heaven. The statement Danny would make was this..."if I could just regain my health...." (concluding that all else would be insignificant by comparison)...every challenge with our constitutionally corrected family, disappointing business ventures, rises and falls of various kinds, have all merged to a place where there is nowhere to turn except to the only voice that matters...His voice.

My husband is now well!! Physically. The process God took him through to teach him what he needed to learn to teach others has served its purpose. And now there is another challenge we walk through for another dimension of healing. It threatens aspects of our life that additionally challenges our family and it is perhaps even more painful than the physical aspect because it criticizes our efforts to restore our family to wholeness from the emotional as well as the physical wounds of that befell each of us. Once again, there is a journey that we are forced to travel with variables that aren't based on science. The battle for relationship has even more dimensions than the physical path of restoration. I have learned that both types of suffering have their roots in lies. The goal my husband has in his teaching reveals where and how those lies began. It takes the body's ability to heal back to the cellular level...where life begins and ends. In our emotional healing, we also must go back to the place our healing begins and ends...with our Creator who desires a relationship that is built on trust, freedom of choice, and evidence of love and desire for blessing those who choose His direction regardless of the consequences or uncertainties.

I sat down to write this as a way to honor my husband on his birthday, and realized that this is a message every one of us that trusts in God with all of our heart needs to dissect. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take." We often stop there in our quoting, but verse 7-8 bring it all together: "Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones."

The understanding that my husband sought was not just for his own benefit or healing. It is a message that the world needs to hear in a time when our understanding of imperative issues involving our health is absolutely coming apart at its core. The institutions that are supposed to have this understanding locked down have failed us. Our leaders are profiting from their self-imposed and self-righteous agendas. Why is it so challenging for logic to retain its place? I still wrestle with my frustrations that I believe have that exact perspective creating turmoil within me. And as the challenges become greater, the more I realize there is another agenda that desires to undermine the effort that this anointing was given for.

I know God will intervene at exactly the right time and with every lesson learned and with each blow that frustrates our effort, a greater determination arises within that swells our spirit to persevere. The lesson we are learning is that while we have this mission to carry out, we cannot do it in our own strength. "...This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don't be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God's...you will not even need to fight. Take your positions, then stand still and watch the Lord's victory. He is with you...Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!" 2 Chronicles 20:15-17.

We are AS ONE in our posture to take the message to the masses. We have an amazing group of people that also have inflated hearts for this mission and who see far beyond the distractions of our foes. What we are now learning is only going to be found in our surrendered posture and learning to dance with Him in the lead as there is no where to turn. There are no words to be spoken; the position is already taken and now we wait for Him to set the captives free. The captives are not only people, but burdens for freedom. They are stolen dreams, unmet expectations and frustrated efforts. There is much at stake: Freedom from bondage.

What God desires for His people can only be found in the greatest of measure when we cannot do anything but wait. Coming to the end of our own efforts is a foreign concept that we could not even comprehend until we ran out of our own natural resources: whether physical strength, finances or ideas. We are now understanding what total surrender means and while we didn't abandon our inclinations to fight, God allowed our circumstances to force our surrender. His mission is not our own. And because it belongs to Him, and we are merely his messengers, as in any battle of biblical proportion, we must allow Him to fight it for us. And as we surrender in the battle, we learn it is really a dance. He is in the lead and we move according to His direction. If we really desire to trust in our Lord, He will not have it any other way to mature us in our faith and our character than to allow nothing but His grace to lead our dance.

Hearing and Doing

2010-10-05T10:41:00.007-04:00

I had an incredible "Mom Moment" yesterday. The word incredible may not even be sufficient enough. The mental challenge of helping Daniel to "welcome" Olivia into his heart as well as our life has been a monumental and agonizing process. For a child to be expected to understand the "whys" of life when as adults it is hard to reconcile such difficulties in our own mind's eye. I know there are days when I have taken extraordinary amounts of time and offered perspective that I know will help to shape him into the man he will one day become even though he has heard only half of what I have said and offered even less application. There have also been days when my "suggestions" have been less than empathetic. I have never questioned God about why I was chosen for this role, but I have wrestled with Him on more than one occasion as I have certainly grown weary under the various burdens within it. Mothers wear so many different hats as it is and raising kids on a good day...well I am just not sure there are ANY of those until our kids are standing on their own two feet and able to understand for themselves why some days we asked them to go to bed earlier than others.

I never wanted to be a mom that sung her children's praises in each and every area of growth and development, but at this particular juncture in my life, I cannot help but recognize the painful stretching my own challenges are having on every area of my own life as well as the obvious effect it is having on my kids and to see them thriving within it is something that brings me to my knees where I find a God that refocuses me on my objective: to grow through my calling as a mother of 5 incredible and uniquely gifted kids who never leave my mind without heartfelt emotion, a wife of a man destined by God Himself with a mission of healing for a hurting and foolishly arrogant world, as well as a woman with desires as well as ambition that seem to emerge and then become somewhat strangled under the weight of the various hats I have been called to wear.

This reality leaves me empowered as well as helpless at the same time. I am learning who I am in God's eyes, in the eyes of those who "used" to know me as well as those who God is bringing into my life to support the transition as the next phase of our life unfolds. I am humbled by the new, frustrated by the old and while I would like to say patiently waiting for more opportunities to thrive, I am imperfect as well as impatient.

I have also learned through the process that the more we are called to the more we have to prove. I am not referring to proving ourselves to God, although I am quite certain He allows the challenges for purposes we may not always understand nor do we need to. We are simply called to trust Him. I think the concept of proving is something that is allowed for our own benefit. It doesn't build self-confidence...quite the opposite...it builds God-confidence, and that is something that is not only severely lacking in our culture, but absolutely required for serving Him.

As I have put the time into Daniel and Olivia's relationship with little return, or so it seemed, yesterday was a day that proved something to me: our growth, while it is a part of our destiny, it may not always be a path that is pain-free or self-controlled. If we remember who we are within that process, who we trust, and who trusts us to demonstrate His character, we can rest assured He will guide us. And as hard as we may "try" to respond correctly when we are faced with difficulties, we always have room to grow. Yesterday, Daniel showed me he is growing.

I had been at a seminar with my husband over the weekend. I was picking Daniel up at the bus stop and when he got in the car, he began telling me about his weekend. He and Olivia had gone to "Rec Night" at their school. She had spent the weekend at a friend's house but they saw each other there. He told me he had danced twice...with 2 different girls! I needed straightened out since I was thinking that balls would be bouncing on the gym floor all evening (another blog, another day ;O). He said Olivia danced all night but not with any boys. I reminded him of something that is spoken of in our home and that is that Olivia is faithful! Faithful for God to bring the right person into her life when it is the right time and in the mean time she just will not compromise her trust in His goodness for her life. It is something that I respect her so much for. Daniel told me something else I already know and that is that Olivia is a great dancer! He went on to say: "Everyone really likes Olivia...the girls as well as ALL OF THE BOYS! We have the same friends and I actually have to admit I missed Olivia this weekend!"

(SILENCE.) (TEARS SLOWLY FALLING DOWN MY CHEEKS.) I looked at him and said, "Daniel, you have NO idea how happy that makes me. It makes ALL of our challenges completely worth it!" I have a feeling that God feels the same way when we grow in our understanding of our own challenges in life that He allows for our growth. Add to that statement all of the changes this family has recently (as well as continually) been put through and it was a moment where God showed ME that He really is in control and really does care about my feelings of occasionally growing weary as if my faith is waning under the pressure of those many hats I am forced to wear.

I must have really been neglected as a child to have to learn all of these lessons as an adult! But I am thankful that God loves me enough to not have left me where I was! I am still ever-hopeful in the best that life has to offer, but I am far more focused on the best that God has to offer!

Hanging By A Thread

2010-07-20T12:57:00.001-04:00

What occurs in our hearts when we reach places in our lives that we aren't equipped to understand or know how to fix? What keeps us going? What inner strength and hope takes over? Against all odds....

I have found myself in my own perplexing circumstances in which the odds reflect one word: RUN but the voice that stabilizes me: HIS VOICE assures me it is under control and beyond my expectations of power and hope. In those moments where the challenge of maintaining order amidst the chaos seems a daunting task, God stands tall and mighty.

Next week is a big week for us. It will either give way to our singing praise to Him with ease or it will cause us to force a song when the gross distortions of the truth become an added paradigm to our existence for awhile longer.

I began this post on May 31 but I didn't publish it...nor did I finish it. Our appearance in court was June 9. We took our children and sat before an arbitrary process that was so foreign to our reality, yet with out the ability of our voice to be heard. We were there physically, perhaps even symbolically, as our presence hopefully gave each "player" in this game a deeper sense of conviction to realize that this is a family that is already being "tried" in life...without choice or escape. If those in their seat of power really desire to make decisions that are lawful, then they would go beyond the circumstantial evidence to the details of truth from those who we sought help from, who did offer advice and counsel, and even directed the processes that we are under scrutiny for.

Unfortunately, nothing was resolved that day. "More time" was needed. Needed for what was my initial thought? For prolonging our anticipation of freedom from half-truths and distortions that do not reflect the reality? And then I remembered what I know to be true: when every lesson learned from a process is painful and has achieved its goal, it will be resolved. When the ultimate goal of further deepening our faith is fortified and established, that chapter will be closed so that our next level of living can be established.

I read this fragmented post this morning and realized that I am grateful for a God that can be depended on when others fail us. When circumstances stretch our reality and offer nothing in return that brings peace, the only hope that can be found is in a God that has challenged us with circumstances that will exceed our comprehension and prove to be purposeful beyond our imagination.

Adversity is meant for maturing our faith. It enables God to reveal Himself in ways that prove not just His existence, but also His love for those that trust Him. It brings our purpose to light in a way nothing else can. We have each been called by Him, but not each one of us answers His call. I remember my initial thought when faced with the reality of gaining 2 more children at an already difficult time in my life. What went through my head was a repeated phrase: "I do not need swallowed by the 'whale' (as Jonah was due to his running from God's call upon his life), this is big enough."

And now, almost 7 years later, and under an even greater challenge than that, I find myself thinking of Jacob when God said "you will not be called Jacob any longer. From now on your name will be Israel" (and God renamed him in Genesis 35:10. This past decade of our life has "renamed" us. It has taken so much from us, but it has given us so much more. The space we are in, as we hang in the balance between the call and the promise is one of uncertainty in our circumstances, but more importantly, one of His calling, which purposes it all.

I know we will look back on this chapter of our lives and realize how necessary it has been. The teaching is unlike any we could ever receive any other way. The emotional pain, while it seems unfair, is a reminder of the suffering that Jesus endured and He was without sin! There is no comparison but there is an analogy to be drawn. When we understand, like Jacob, in order to answer the call, we must leave our comfort zone and be "called out" of any and all complacency to become a useful tool for God, we do not walk by sight, but by faith. We maintain a posture of trust that doesn't always have words to define.
While we desire an end to the hardships of the process, we witness first hand the ability of God to provide for His children. There is a supernatural component that edifies the challenges within the struggle. And as we wish it away, we realize that it is priceless in its role.

And so we move forward and we know that "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 8-9

The Pompa Family - Dr. Daniel and Merily Pompa - Raising Healthy Kids i...

2010-05-26T17:58:00.000-04:00

Between Revelation and Manifestation

2010-05-16T11:22:00.005-04:00

It has been ten years since the inception of Danny's illness. A whole decade. The internal battle for an answer or an end was a long, painful process in which I needed to reconcile God allowing the challenge of this process with the additional purpose He called me to of raising a family. The emotional support of encouragement throughout his journey was the key ingredient to his sustenance. Thankfully, only one thing in particular was needed in which I was gifted in--encouragement.
Looking back I realize that was a gift I possessed. I did nothing to earn it. I just naturally did it. There were definitely many times throughout where my words felt empty...the ones spoken as well as the ones received. The times I was particularly discouraged in my role as his wife was when he would tell me, "You always say that and NOTHING has changed". The ONLY thing I had to offer was that God assured me through a deposit He made into my spirit that my husband would be healthy again, and a message of hope to a hurting world would be his offering after his restoration.
When Danny and I had been dating for almost 5 years, without a lifetime commitment as part of our relationship plan, I began to feel insecure. How could I know in my heart that this was the one I could easily spend my life with without him speaking about our future with the same perspective? He would tell me that he was waiting for God to "show him" with absolute certainty that it was to be me. I wasn't sure what would have done it for him...fireworks going off over my head perhaps as I used to jokingly suggest. I had done enough reading and listening on the topic to know that there were certain elements that were undeniable: mutual respect, the same goals for life, philosophies that were congruent, and most importantly a faith that was built on Jesus Christ as the cornerstone of the blueprint for this life. We had all of those. In fact, early in our relationship, when Danny was challenged by a friend about his unsettled perspective of the meaning of life, through a process of scientific investigation (which initially revealed to me his mode of learning truth) the undeniable reality of Jesus as the son of God and therefore being who He said He was and that is the ONLY way to God became evident. As a result Danny hung his hat (as well as our physical relationship) on the hook until the appointed time of marriage. (We did not have sex again until 5 years later after we walked down the aisle.)
There was always one issue that weighed heavily on me in my dating relationships and that was whether or not those relationships that I was involved in were right. Were the men in my life truly valuing me as a person or was the relationship driven by the physical aspect of the man's desire for sex?
When Danny realized that he had no idea how he would be able to accomplish no sex before marriage when he was accustomed to that being a driving force in his pursuits, I simultaneously knew that it was ME that he valued. To have been sustained in the relationship for the "right" reasons left me an obvious conclusion of him being "the one for me". It was disturbing that his brain needed a different assurance. Perhaps that was the first obvious place to me that we were wired differently. I had to release feeling insecure and trust that God would bring him to the same conclusion that he had me but I had to respect that it would be through a different process.
When I began putting the pressure on him near the end of chiropractic school and feeling undervalued with little effort (it seemed to me) of him searching for the solution as he did for meaning of life, it further added to my frustration. I began spending less time with him and more time with friends. I somewhat selfishly used it as an excuse to pursue my own ambitions without searching for God's purposes in them. Then I came to a crossroads. I saw Danny's faith grow in God's purpose for his life. There was an assurance about God's word--all of it--being true. It was the manuscript for life which wasn't open to interpretation; and the bible, in its entirety, was the infallible word of God.
I already knew this to be true but something happened to me when I saw the truth of this being applied to his life. Simply put: I didn't want to miss out on the life God blesses because of my own selfish desires. I told Danny this. I think it may have been the first time that he saw hope in me as becoming the woman for him to spend his life with; knowing that even though I did not necessarily know how to trust and allow God to mold me, I was willing to admit it was the only way to life a life that had purpose and meaning that would become an investment beyond my limited perspective.
Trust was a difficult concept for me. It is defined as having faith in another person or entity. Signifiant people in my life had let me down beginning with my biological father. Next my mother who was supposed to be there for me not just emotionally but also physically but never seemed to be. I understood her limitations but nonetheless I was impacted by the void that was created. As I encountered friendships from 1st through 12th grade I experienced many additional disappointments that further challenged the meaning of trust.
How then could I trust Danny to the point of feeling at peace with his character as the man I desired to surrender my heart to?
The only answer that fits is that in our relationship, this was the first gift God gave to me. I did nothing to earn it other than be myself. And this self was obviously the perfect one for him...handpicked by God Himself for the purpose he had for him.
It didn't take long to own that perspective when he first began experiencing strange and scary symptoms that squashed the personality of the man I knew and loved and revealed a threatened and threatening character underneath.
I quickly jumped roles from the one being protected to the one protecting. I protected our children, I protected myself (the best I could) but mostly I protected him from himself. This untrusting woman, who trusted no one but my husband, became epitomized by the circumstances that I now found myself in.
As God called me to trust in His work in our marriage I remember wondering what role I would play once Danny was restored. I now understand that due to being disappointed so often as a child and adolescent I had a theme of apprehension that had woven itself into the fiber of my being.
Again I had another opportunity to be healed myself from this hole in my own soul. It may not have been a physical wound as my husband possessed but it had consequences that were equally devastating.
God gave me another opportunity to trust. He brought Dylan and Olivia into my life. Ironically He did so when I was trudging through the emotional pain of having my husband not being able to "show up" for me. During this season of our lives, Danny was running from himself. He didn't like who he had become and he wasn't completely sure he would ever be himself again. His mind had only one way of searching for truth and this was the second time in my life with him I watched as this scientific process manifested itself once again in a most critical space in time. His relentless pursuit for answers did not disappoint him. Initially the process that led him to answers wasn't forthcoming as it led him down what seemed like empty pathways. Looking back, it was evident that God allowed that as well as it not only taught him to persevere with God in prayer but it also taught him about many different processes within the body that unless fully understood would only lead him to become a doctor that managed symptoms, even if naturally and without consequence, as opposed to the doctor he has become which is one that addresses the root cause and looks at the life of the body beginning and ending at its foundation: the cell.
The three years before he understood where in his body the breakdown occurred was the most difficult for both of us. For him, it was a trial of trust in God whom he had learned held the answers to life and death and controlled mankind's purpose if we trusted Him to do so regardless of where we started. For me I had to put my husband on a shelf and trust that the God who chose us for one another would return him to me in better condition than before.
I also had to trust that my life as a mother to two children who weren't wired in the same way I was or what I had learned to adapt to were not only going to make me more effective in my purpose as a wife and a mother but were also going to bring me joy and completeness that I have never known within myself.
Luke 9:24 (a verse I had always feared) says, "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it." I am now learning that embracing God's call, while the process of being stripped is brutal and at times even seemingly unfair, there is victory if we surrender to it. When we remember that once God declares something to us whether spoken aloud or in our heart...IT IS SO. Just as it was revealed to me about Danny's future being one with hope and tremendous purpose, I had to learn that fearing God's word, while a healthy perspective to our understanding, can lead us to doubt Him if we misconstrue His intended meaning.
I must admit it has taken me walking through adversity where there was no where else to turn before I began understanding that trusting God is not something to be feared but embraced. He alone is the author and perfecter of our faith and therefore He knows our breaking points as well as our strengthening points as well as the delicate balance between the two. Just as a muscle needs to be torn down to grow so we need to be torn down to mature.
I have clung to the deposit of God in my spirit, expecting our future to be an offering of hope to others just as God has given us hope in the midst of our pain. However waiting is required between what we know and what He reveals. We must wait on God with a posture of expectancy until He manifests the destination of our calling. And as you wait, expect a spiritual battle unlike you have ever known! The more times you are attacked release those attacks to the power of God and remember that it is giving Him yet another opportunity to show up and show off on your behalf (see my previous blogs for how this occurred in our life).
Another extremely invaluable component to your trial is praying your blessing into existence. There is a powerful verse in the bible in Isaiah. Chapter 54:17 says, "No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment God shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me, says the Lord." If we take God in the literal sense that He intends for us, this is a verse that can offer tremendous hope. It indicates the spiritual reference of the battle you are going through and helps you remember that just before the release of your blessing as a resulting suffering and proven worthiness there is going to be an attack from the adversary unlike you have ever known. In fact, this is why it is so important to maintain this posture as we wait.
The final element that must be dealt with is the removal of sin from your life. These are events God ordains that prepares us to receive the blessing within our purpose.
And finally, remember, that when you are waiting in the space between your revelation and your manifestation, it typically will not happen quickly, but it will happen suddenly. What you have sown in tears you will reap in joy (Psalm 126:5). When we were faced with the legal investigation regarding our children's trust, I remember being in the attorney's office in utter disbelief. We had done all that we knew to be functioning within the laws of the trust document...so much so that we paid for the services of others to guide us through that process so we would never be where we were physically finding ourselves. (the complete story is in my blog titled How We Got Here...Where We Are...Where Are We?...Mother's Day 2010)
Once again I had to remind myself of the original intent of God through our suffering and He was giving us another opportunity to grow, first within ourselves and also as a family and beyond. What kept coming into my head was God's reminder to me which was becoming a theme: "Do not look at your circumstances, just look to Me." This statement was running over and over in my head just as it had in my heart through first my husband's sickness and also through my challenges with integrating Dylan and Olivia into our family. I am grateful as God has returned my husband more whole than He allowed him when he was taken. I have experienced becoming more at peace with myself despite my too numerous to mention challenges as a mother with one child much less five. And again, as we wait, I have to trust Him.
A pervasive theme of trust. Trusting that while God doesn't always choose our method for our maturity in our faith and our purpose, He certainly does allow those challenges to make the best of us for Him.
While we have had many opportunities to be sifted for His calling and having the requirement of trust as the prevailing element of our faith, in these past several months of legal turmoil God has shown up suddenly. While it certainly has not happened quickly, it is happening suddenly. Suddenly the phone rang the very same day we sat in the attorney's office at the beginning of this whole debacle and we were asked to meet with the owner of a direct marketing company that we had been involved with as a result of our appreciation for the quality of their products. Their interest in us was for the possibility of our mission being infused into it as it sought to become more purpose-driven. The story of our life had become most intriguing to those that desired to make a difference.
During that visit, the conversation also addressed the possibility of this company, Zylene International, manufacturing my husband's cellular detoxification product that would help so many that suffered without understanding, but through education on the scale of a successful direct marketing company, that we had the opportunity to become the voice for, we immediately saw the sudden move of the hand of God. While it was not something that occurred quickly, it certainly happened suddenly. While we were being shamed by the media, God was revealing yet another scripture that has shown up more than a few times as we have cried out to Him. Joel 2:23-27 says, "Be glad then, you children of Zion, and rejoice in the Lord your God; For He has given you the former rain and faithfully, and He will cause the rain to come down for you...I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust and the chewing locust, My great army which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, And praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; and my people shall never be put to shame. Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel: I AM the Lord your God and there is no other. My people shall never be put to shame."
Is faith required to believe these words? You better believe it! Faith is a confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea or thing. It is belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. Trust is a synonym of faith. Is it any coincidence that God has given me faith while He challenged me with trust. How is that even possible? How can I further understand the dichotomy that exists between these two words that have such a powerful pervasive presence in my life and in the lives of so many Christians today? My mind is expanding as I type! The human condition is one of survival in times that are tough. We are faced with a challenge and we dig deep. It isn't until we have exhausted our natural resources that are within our reach that we are faced with being overtaken by our greatest nemesis that we are able to fully surrender and trust in our God through faith in Him alone. Unfortunately that typically does not happen until we are in dyer straits. In fact, when we finally release our greatest burden(s) to God we find our freedom and our peace. This cannot happen unless that process occurs fully. Ultimately. Finally. And with that release, we give God the carte blanche to act. Until that time, we are withholding His power. He will not be released in the spiritual realm and act on our behalf until we release Him to do so. Under His authority we have partnered with Him. We can now personify the principles of God by becoming the word of God in action.
If God has a specific purpose for those who love Him, and He does, and He alone is the giver of the gift, and He is, then we must prove worthy of it. We also must demonstrate trust that He can do it and posture ourselves expectantly. Within the confines of this world there are many stagnant places that need His influence. It is time for the wounds that prevent trust from delivering might to be healed. It has come into my life through a process of great pain but it has left me more whole. Yet another dichotomy within the plans and purposes of God.
Do not run from the places of life that challenge you. Embrace them. Relinquish your control. Know that by losing your life you are gaining your purpose. The scripture that used to scare me now excites me as we are about to be released for His glory, not our own. I will leave you with this: "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly (2 POWERFUL adjectives; not by accident is any word chosen by God himself for our internalization as we read His word), above all that we can ask or imagine, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen" (Ephesians 3:20) NOTHING is impossible for Him, but until we trust Him alone for it, we will not fully see the purpose for which He has called us. Lay your burdens at His feet. The process of being proven worthy is costly, but it is also a revelation of the closeness of God to the hurting soul as well as the power by which He desires to change the world.

How We Got Here...Where We Are...Where Are We?...Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-09T15:54:00.006-04:00

As our family came together: me as a young woman with many plans of my own: the most important one with ME at the center which is the only perspective I have ever known; while also having a heart to serve God as I intended to raise my family to trust Him, I soon realized that God not only gave me 3 children of my own and a challenging set of circumstances to go with it but He also called me to sacrificially become a mom to twins who tragically lost not only their parents but also their own foundational identity. If I was going to bring God into their lives in an authentic way I had to lose MY plan. It took me awhile to realize that it would be within the heart of God to teach me what I couldn't read about. I could not run from it and expect it to occur because the task is monumental...at least from my understanding of hard work and ONLY He could take credit for it as I believe with all my heart only He can; but He also handpicked this challenge for me alone. I could not talk about it as a future tense reality, but in order to honor Him in it, I had to experience the pain of being stripped of myself and my agenda and finding the glory that lay beneath the unearthed heart and soul that God planted within me. ME? How could it be that my insecurities would end up becoming places of strength that would see this family through the uniqueness of our pain and also our desires. All we wanted was to "feel" normal. To restore Dylan and Olivia while edifying our 5 year old son Daniel that their arrival and integration made our family better, not worse. Reminding him that God doesn't make mistakes and regardless of how challenging it seemed at the time it will improve. God created him and He made him perfectly suited to adapt to this particular family dynamic. I reassured him that God would be able to do something so amazing with his life as a result of the challenge He allowed so early in it. I told Dylan and Olivia as well that there is a difference between God's blessing and favor and we had his favor. Even though my own mom struggled greatly with my acceptance of my new role because of her concern for Daniel and also of her understanding of what would come against us with my aunt, I stayed focus on the sovereignty of God. He didn't choose this fate, but He did allow it with a greater understanding of His mercy and favor as a result.
Simultaneously , we were working on the restoration of Dylan on yet another level as well--which was from the damaging affects of vaccinations--specifically the MMR shot. My husband was too dealing with his own battle with neurotoxins that invaded and deprived him of a life that could be completely normal. The irony that there were two of them, one who learned as I watched and one who had to learn to trust as we watched, not only in the process of healing but also in the role we filled on many levels regarding his recovery if he could stay the course and hope for a brighter tomorrow. How could there be two boys, one I loved with everything I was and one I learned to love as God's faithfulness showed up, took over and gave us all hope? The road that took us closer toward the call was painful. It stretched us, it twisted us, it gave others reason to doubt our motives and it also gave us favor.
As much as the circumstances proved to be challenging and in addition to the above mentioned struggles, there was yet a 3 year old and a newborn that I needed to be mommy to. They had no understanding of the difficulties and nor should they have. I tried with all my might to be all that God called me to be. I thanked Him for the amazing helper he gave me in a woman he gave me to model what a godly mother looked like--she had all the qualities I could identify with: she was funny and happy and adorable. She had one quality that I didn't: she LOVED to serve. She served us for almost 6 years. I refer to her as God's gift to me who came alongside an already underqualified woman and showed that despite my weaknesses He lavished His mercy upon me. Her name is Esther. I watched her spend endless hours and energy cooking and ironing and loving and praying for all of us. I watched her shoulder my burdens and my husband's and cry out to God on our behalf. She is no longer with us, but she still shoulders our burdens. She will never not be with us--forever in our heart and only a visit or a phone call away. She knows our heart and she knows our pain that is giving way to purpose. She knows our desire to raise our children that despite the odds, shows God's mercy and favor.
The first week after the death of Dylan and Olivia's parents proved to be a fast reconciling of reality. We quickly remembered that their mom (my cousin and best friend) Lisa had asked us a few years prior if anything ever happened would we take the kids. Without a second thought we answered yes. When Simon only 6 weeks old, my husband and my dad flew to Florida to bring them to their new home. It was the only way. As their legal guardians no one was authorized to escort them except for either my husband and/or myself. My aunt and uncle (Lisa's mom and dad) were there, staying in the house that their daughter was murdered in and making plans while Dylan and Olivia were in the arms of their next-door neighbors being comforted.
The first obvious plan occurred when my husband and my dad walked in and my aunt said "meeting out back". They walked out by the pool and as soon as they sat down she said, "Well, we decided to keep the house." My husband's response was, "Whoa...we are going to wait until we talk to people who know more about this type of thing than I do." She proceeded to try to sell him on the idea.
After the memorial services my husband flew home with the kids. My aunt and uncle were busy loading a UHaul truck with as many items with monetary value they could fit into it and left behind most of the kids' personal effects that required us to take a trip a month or so later to select items that were important to them to feel as if a piece of their home was coming to Pennsylvania with them. It was hard to conceive and the bank that handled the estate told us we should put a stop to her ridiculous behavior. We knew her irrational tendencies and decided to stay out of her way and if this was the way she grieved then we preferred to stay clear and give her room to do so.
I can remember as a child my mom called her demented as a result of her anger that lashed out at my mom for allowing me to use a toy (a lemon-twist) that my mom bought for Lisa's birthday present. I was only about 7 years old but I still remember how upset my mom was at my aunt's over-exaggeration to my trying a toy that she bought for her niece. It was a moment in time that for whatever reason is forever ingrained in my memory. It was at least a year that they didn't speak.
I am not sure if it was that incident or the fear that my aunt evoked as a result of watching how she treated her kids that scared me. We always seemed to be punished by her. I still have pictures of all of the cousins lined up on the couch as a result of her wrath. Whatever it was, it stuck.
My husband and dad arrived home New Year's Eve 2003 with Dylan and Olivia. We began 2004 with 2 new children and a life of challenge that we NEVER could have predicted--even after all of the things we had already been confronted with.
It was within a very short time that I realized my aunt's anger for Lisa's decision in choosing my husband and I for the task of raising her kids was more than she could swallow.
I didn't know until they were already with us that there was a trust that would help with their support. I was thankful for that but it wouldn't have changed our accepting of Lisa's decision regardless. Along the way I am glad I didn't initially know when others have tried to raise issue with why or how we took the kids. Honoring God is not enough for many people without expectation of a return. It was enough for me. I remember telling my husband when we were processing the magnitude of the task at hand that I didn't need to be swallowed by the whale as Jonah was. There were many places in my life that I struggled to honor God completely but this was one undeniable role and call that couldn't be dealt with half way.
My aunt threatened our decision becoming permanent by telling us that if we accepted this responsibility she would do everything within her power to "ruin" us. My response was as steadfast as the call. I told her to take it up with God. That He chose us for it, and that we had no choice but to honor Him in it. I empathized with how hard this must be for her to handle under the circumstances and that even her other daughter, Lisa's own sister, who was 6 years younger than I, wasn't chosen. I was not insensitive to their reality but I was unable to offer a solution that satisfied her. I tried to help her see the positive points as she now had the ability to see her grandchildren without the distance between them. I assured her I would do everything possible to support their relationship. I found this particularly challenging as she began working behind the scenes on the kids' emotional and psychological pain. I attempted to communicate with her about it while being sensitive to her pain while at the same time adamantly insisting that she not create more for them or us. Ultimately I feel as if she knew she wasn't up against me personally but my resolve and determination to step up was a result of my trust in His call upon my life and it seemed to incite her all the more.
It didn't take long to realize that the experiences they were having while in her presence were absolutely not of the standard that we lived by. There were little things that became known to us. She only wanted the kids for a whole weekend while there were times that 2 nights made plans we tried to make as a family difficult. I welcomed some of those times to "feel" like the family I had lost and the kids I was most comfortable with had some time to feel that ease with us...mostly being sensitive to how hard it was for Daniel. We did explain that going to church was something we did and it was important to us that they do that as well. She began going to church. What could we say except that having her under the influence of God would not only help them and us, but her as well. So there was a stretch of time that she saw them many weekends. It was hard to conceive why Olivia came home happy to be back and Dylan came home disconnected. In fact, he always came in the house well after Olivia and would walk the long way around the house to avoid walking through the family room where my husband and I typically spent Sunday evenings. They always came home at 8:30--never earlier--which was a time we requested as it was their bed time.
The first 2 days of the week Dylan barely spoke at home. He seemed extremely hostile toward his environment and emotionally void of caring about the family. It was sad to watch a child that already was so compromised emotionally become void after a visit with his Grandmother that I had hoped would offer a place of solace and fill a void that I expected only she could. She was supposed to love him unlike anyone else on the planet and after what had happened I really trusted that my inherent fears of her would be put to rest as she found a newfound purpose that had a calling of love all over it. How could it then be that the opposite emotion was showing up after his time with her? And what about Olivia? She was fine. She was happy when she was with us...all the time. She didn't morph into an emotional recluse. I know Dylan always had certain challenges with his diagnosis of Sensory Integration but what was already an obvious part of his emotional status became exaggerated with his time with her.
He became obsessed with money that he claimed he had lots of. He talked about it with Daniel in particular. I couldn't imagine that she had revealed to them aspects of their financial reality when I specifically asked her when I found out that I absolutely did not want to discuss that with them...or anyone else for that matter. I knew money not earned was the fastest way to ruin anyone. She assured me she would not. She attempted at first to get information from us about the financial matters but we told her that we had asked the bank, who managed the trust, to handle every detail and there were attorneys and counsellors in place and associated with that task so that we would never be criticized by anyone, not even the kids, who we soon realized were potentially under her spell. As time went on we realized that she was working against us on every level. She even discredited my husband's knowledge and understanding of how best to care for Dylan's process of recovery. She questioned it, shed doubt about it to the kids and occasionally sent "other" information that was partially what we were doing but without the fullness of our process. Anything other than what we were doing was still managing symptoms and we weren't interested in just managing his symptoms but restoring the whole child. For a long time I thought that perhaps what he ate when he was with her was causing his emotional separation for the first half of the week and this is what I told his teachers when we spoke about the potential cause. Occasionally the kids themselves would let their guard down and tell us that their uncle was watching things on his TV that were not what we would approve of. They graphically described certain scenes to give us examples as they wanted us to know as all kids want to be found out. It amazed me how much of the bad things a child's mind could retain after just one exposure but when it came to the positive teachings it seemed that the reinforcements were endless and the fruit was sparse. I quickly learned that is how evil infiltrates.
Another customary and particularly disturbing occurrence after Dylan's time at his Grandmother's house was that he would have terrors in his sleep during the night--either on Sunday or Monday without exception. He would run through the house flailing his arms and screaming frantically: "Mommy! Mommy!" He would run to me every time. It was awful to see this already starving child for his mother's love behave from such a subconscious level of pain. And why only after visiting his Grandmother? This troubled us more than anything. What could we do? How could we possibly ask her about their visits? What did they talk about? How could we and expect her not to become completely hostile toward us (even though from what we could ascertain she was already)? Was it presumptuous to think that the woman who emotionally loved them most could also be intentionally harming them the most as well? We asked Dylan's counsellor what we should do. Without knowing the details, he felt that she was clearly keeping us from becoming a unified family. His advice was too hard to take. How could we possibly separate them from her? They had lost so much already. So had she. They would resent us for doing such a thing. It would surely cause another horrendously painful wound that no child should have to endure, especially after what these 2 children had already suffered through and were learning to live with. It was also hard to conceive and therefore there was doubt that she could really do such a thing. I always knew her to be angry and resentful...she would even get upset when Lisa would come home for an occasional visit and want to stay at my house instead of with her. She would put up such a fuss and Lisa wouldn't want to confront her further so she would stay with her mom and within a few days she would be regretting her decision but mostly her inability to confront her mother's desire for control. It was the very reason Lisa needed to leave Pennsylvania. Her control and her anger was stifling. There was a pervasive oppression associated with all of her relationships. Perhaps that is why the relationship with her Grandchildren was not capable of being normal. If she cannot control the significant people in her life, then she starts trouble. An example of this is that she has been divorced from my uncle for over a decade and my mom told me when she was still alive, which has been about 3 years, that mail still goes to her house and she still writes his checks. Her son, who is a year older than me still lives in her home at the age of almost 44. It is a very sad reality. It also seems to be the men in her life that have been most affected by her control. But for me, I am caught in the middle of accepting a role that is supposed to be life-giving and being frustrated by a woman who is life-taking.
My husband and I have talked this through so many times without resolution. We finally agreed that as long as she didn't cross a line, we would not interfere with their relationship. We understood that while we were risking our better judgment for the sake of a relationship with their Grandmother, despite our experiences with her, perhaps we were just being overly paranoid. She, like us, had to be concerned with their final destination that was under her influence: that of adults. Or did she?
It was a year ago when I received a phone call from the school. My 3 oldest children, Dylan, Olivia (who we had at this point adopted 3 years earlier) and Daniel had been pulled out of class and questioned by Children and Youth Services! I didn't even know what CYS stood for before that day. The principal of the school didn't owe it to me to give me notice of what had occurred but he did. It spoke volumes to who he knew my husband and I to be and it also spoke of who he knew my kids to be. That very same day, my son Izik answered a knock on the door to find 2 police men standing there asking if everything was ok. He told Esther of them wanting to see her and she laughed it off as she walked to the door thinking he was joking with her. They questioned my kids about the food they ate, the way they were disciplined and the conditions in which they were living. Their conclusion was that they were living and eating better than they or anyone else they knew. Esther invited them to a Mexican dinner and/or stuffed chicken. With their apologies they were on their way.
I considered this to be the time when the line was crossed and our family was put in jeopardy. The kids felt the same way. I was thankful that we did not need to assert our authority and have them resent us for opting to keep their Grandmother out of their life. She did it. They saw her motives for what they had been all along and now we had no doubt about whether or not she was sabotaging our efforts of restoring these children. Right after that occurred the kids started sharing many disturbing emotional and psychological plots that allowed her to attempt to lure them in to a depraved emotionally unstable world filled with manipulation and paranoia. When CYS finally made a visit to our home to complete their report they told us that they would most likely be back again because they were told that she would keep calling UNTIL they found something on us.
I received an email that was most disturbing from her a month or so later and then another and another. The accusations were horrifying and even frightening. She accused me of being "responsible" for Lisa's death! She said I always wanted everything that Lisa had and now I think I have it! WHAT?!! WHERE did that come from?! Could her mind have distorted my respect for Lisa as my cousin who was 4 years older than me and naturally someone I looked up to...to THIS?! I just couldn't wrap my head around the degree of torture to which she lived within her own mind! THANK GOD!
Needless to say as my uncle and her daughter who began making attempts to connect with the kids and were turned away...unless it was done on our terms and under our roof, the kids told us emphatically they wanted nothing to do with any of them. It was significantly noticeable how instantly at ease they became...especially Dylan.
In one of her emails to me she assured me if I did not allow her to see her Grandchildren then I could anticipate spending all of my time in court "instead of at the gym". It did not phase me. Within a few months of that email we were served papers in the state of Florida where the trust was initially held and because it had been moved to Pennsylvania within the year, papers were served in the state of Pennsylvania and by the D.A.'s office. It was more than shocking since we had NEVER had "control" of the trust (or at least we thought not). We trusted and requested the attorneys and counsellors to guide us through that process anticipating needing to protect ourselves from her unstable and jealous tirades. We felt at some point she would attempt to turn the kids against us...we just didn't expect it so soon.
I cannot say for sure whether or not she actually planted seeds that began the investigation, but I do know for certain that she did call the newspapers and the media who dredged up the past and how the kids came into our lives in the first place. So my question of doubting but struggling with how she could not protect Dylan and Olivia after everything they had been through was answered definitively within an evening with 2 major news channels and 2 major newspapers report gross distortions and inaccurate information about our character. My husband, who had a successful practice was shamed in an instant. The man who would give the shirt off his back to protect another was suddenly being portrayed an a doctor who was "siphoning money out of orphans trust fund"!! We didn't get a new patient in our chiropractic office for more than 3 months. It was almost too much to bear and if it weren't for our faith in God who ordained our role I do not know how we would have handled the challenges of this legal process in addition to the pain that we suffered through finally getting to a place with them that revealed why it was so hard in the first place.
God does promise to work all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28-29.
I have been speaking that verse over our family for the past decade and needless to say a few others have shown up to keep me hopeful in the midst of our circumstances. Psalm 91:14 says: "because he loves me, I will rescue him." I often wonder if our story will ever be "heard" in the court system. I have my doubts. I do hold on to the fact that God knows our heart, He knows everything we have done in order to honor Him and maintain a position of integrity. He alone knows that as we were instructed, we trusted. There is a saying in chiropractic that says "as the twig is bent, so grows the tree". The way we were bent was according to people in positions that have knowledge and expertise in their field. I would never admit to understanding the position I had been called to as a trustee as well as a guardian and therefore I requested the support of those professionals to always be in compliance with my role.
Again, I learned from this particular challenge, within this overarching position of restorer of hope, family and future that regardless of the amount of effort that is put into a job, even if it is well done and protected, evil can infiltrate without substance. It can devastate and disseminate every protective mechanism in place to avoid the very evil it creates.
When life is lived at the level of what lies beneath the surface of one's outer shell, I have found God uses certain trials to show even us what we are made of and who we ultimately trust in. When we are shaken what comes out? Who will we be found to be in our adversity? Are we worthy of the call? I have been challenged on yet another front and I can only pray I will not remain who I was when this all began. I desire to become a woman of influence to offer hope to a hurting world. How can I be able to offer it myself if I simply adopted 2 children I didn't choose and who didn't choose me but merely applied what I knew to date about mothering and neurotoxins? However my story has become enriched and I have become enriched with the depth of pain at a level we didn't earn, but have had to defend with every ounce of my fiber and still have nothing to show for it. How will this all turn out? I honestly do not know in the courts but I do know in light of our family: we will continue to be strengthened and prosper as we have since the last day they spoke to their Grandmother, our determination to seek God and trust in His redemptive power alone will see us through regardless of the outcome. I will trust in God alone to restore what the enemy has stolen--in this case, our reputation and our children's security at a certain level. The more we are afflicted, the more we will multiply for a greater purpose than ourselves.
Our family has a gift of restoration. We have already been restored. With any gift there is a responsibility of earning its worthiness. Are we worthy of influencing others? When Jesus had to feed the multitudes He had to break the loaves of bread and put it in baskets and pass it around. It never ran out and there was plenty left over. How is that possible? It is the result of being broken that produces supplies that are unlimited in others times of need. If this family is going to feed the masses then we need to be broken, even in ways we didn't deserve so that our gifts can be shared to encourage others and offer hope.

Who Am I?

2010-04-19T09:52:00.000-04:00

I never really thought about that question until I had a series of life-changing events occur with such intensity that I could not ignore who I was but was also forced to consider who I was to become. My life as a child could only be described as atypical for any kid's dreams. Time with other kids my age was not the norm as my mom and I lived with my grandparents in rural Pennsylvania and they were busy working themselves but with the flexibility that allowed me to be looked after while not able to be driven to a friends house with ease. I grew up with dogs and cats as my friends. In the country we had neighbors but they were distant and detached. My mom's full time job kept her away most of the week and I marked the passage of time with TV shows on PBS...Sesame Street, Mister Rogers and Zoom were the time slots of my day that brought my mom back to me. I never knew my dad as my mom divorced him when I was just a year old. I never realized that being without one was going to leave me incomplete or longing. My Papap was a fireball! He was always busy doing something--working in the garden, cutting the acres of grass we had on his tractor with me on his lap, reupholstering furniture in the garage, listening--and watching if possible a ball game in a small corner bedroom with Myron Cope announcing and me sitting with him on the side of his bed playing cards--Casino, Rummy and War were our favorites. Usually those times of solitude for him were quickly interrupted by my Grandma yelling at him for "escaping" with me. All fun and games for me but no time for her she would complain. I understood early on that my Papap was a kid at heart and enjoyed playing as much as possible but was obligated to the responsibilities of a man. The husband role was not an easy one for him as she was the provider and always had been. She worked every day for 26 years in a mushroom farm picking mushrooms. I remember the smocks she wore--they were a grayish blue with medium-sized translucent buttons down the front. Nothing about his plans for earning a living was secure. At one point an egg route was his source of income. I am sure she liked her job as she developed friendships that took her away from the drudgery and insecurity of their life. Add to the equation their youngest child, their only daughter, their pride and joy, unlucky at love and back at home with a child in tow--and one that they were more responsible for than she was, and it is understandable why they felt a squeeze that frustrated them with no one to complain to but each other and by indirectly doing so without me at the obvious center they could vent about that unfair role she had placed them in. Regardless of how it was done, it created insecurity in me that ended with a child who craved people and busyness--and what I could never get enough of...my mom. I always said I wanted 5 kids. That seemed like a good, uneven number that would allow for the hustle and bustle that was absent in my childhood and not allow for pairing as I felt coupling up would discourage unity as a whole. When I was 5 years old my Papap decided I needed to be raised in church with the positive influences to be found within. It was only a short period of time before he came to faith in Jesus Christ. I gleaned what was offered and simply accepted that Jesus was the son of God. My Papap also had some other outspoken positions that I soon learned matched with intensity his love for God. They were as much a part of his fiber as they are mine. Politics was a topic that my Grandma would caution him on speaking about. He didn't know another way. He just threw it out there--much in the same way I do. And his passions were contagious for those who knew him best and agreed with him, but for those who didn't...well let's just say his reputation was not cherished by those. I know that much of my personality is much like his. He turned many toward truth but he repelled those that weren't ready. I realize it is much better to win with love, but the reality is that for many of us who have been rejected, love and trust are synonymous and trust is not able to be attained just because you know it is a virtue that draws people to feel accepted and secure. When love is lacking so is trust. When it is lacking in a child it takes YEARS of success within more than just a great marriage to gain.
My biological father rejected me and my mom was emotionally void of what it takes to validate a child's needs. She was also physically absent most days and so my greatest need for security and the only one available should have been found in her but wasn't.
As I grew, I filled much of my thoughts with dreams about my future. I didn't realize at that time that when you belong to God, regardless of what you desire for yourself, if it is not within His plan, not only will you not be happy, feel secure or function with the only sense of purpose that ultimately matters--His; but whatever ideas you seek unless they satisfy at the soul level and have purpose behind them, they are not worth the pursuit. Emptiness is still the byproduct. My mom always told me that whatever I wanted in life could be attained. It is that attitude that is pervasive among all others--with the exception of the desire for 5 children. I have often been criticized for being idealistic. It didn't change my thinking--if anything it fueled me to have lofty goals and exceptionally high standards for myself. It has taken 30 years of that mindset to be harnessed, knocked off course and redirected according to God's plan that has given me the most understanding of the most important lesson of all that I have learned: unless you can handle the responsibility of the gift, it can't be given.
When I was 12 years old my mom remarried. The life I lived with my grandparents vs the life I was now thrust into was almost traumatic itself other than the fact that one day things were not easy to come by and most things were bought only when necessary and oftentimes at a secondhand store and now they were plentiful with enough to share. Although because there wasn't enough to go around for most of my childhood, and I was an only child, I didn't like the concept of sharing--and I still do not.
I enjoy being generous, but I do not like to share. My husband says it this way: "I am fussy about my stuff". He's right--I am and I have stopped apologizing for it. That is one of those wounds that is not high on the list of priorities to correct--for some, perhaps yes, but in the scheme of my challenges and weaknesses to overcome, I am generous and I think that is a more important virtue. It is an act of the will to be generous rather than sharing which represented a source of pain inflicted through my childhood that had equated in a result of never having enough to be at peace. Not enough company, not enough love, not enough of my mom--and hating sharing her with anyone, and only my Papap could I lay claim to, but only accompanied by my Grandma's anger--so ultimately not enough of the one that I knew loved me unconditionally--the only one--other than God; but I didn't understand that at the time as I do now. Ironically my Grandma's emotional needs were not met because he was busy sharing himself with me.
My new life began in 8th grade. I was 13 years old and the newfound freedom that went with it was of no benefit looking back. Ironically, my mom had a baby 9 months after her wedding day! My mom was now 36 years old and as much as she overprotected me as a result of her insecurities and inability to control many of her obstacles to a satisfied life, she stifled my sister at every level, except the one that matters the most with kids and that is setting boundaries that ultimately gives them freedom. Freedom to develop, freedom to thrive, freedom to make mistakes. Since her new course of life kept her home with my sister and cultivate homemaking skills, one more challenge was one too many. As a result I was able to do almost anything I wanted. I wanted to play with my friends. I now had some. The expectation of my parents was an easy one to meet: keep my room clean and do the dishes and in return I had spending money and freedom. My new dad was a busy man. He was only home briefly at noon, again for dinner and left after the news and typically not again until after 9:00. He was a funeral director and had a business that if I heard it once, I have heard it a million times "people were dying to get in". He is an honest man and he was fair and he served others exceptionally well. His only requirement of me was to be out the door on time each morning as he drove me to school and he was NEVER late. I failed him miserably. Other than that, if my mom was happy, he was happy. She seldom was. She was overwhelmed with her new life. The inability to run from her challenges and dump her responsibilities on her parents was over with her marriage and she never fully adjusted. Add to the fact that my sister was the one in control from the day she was born and it was a recipe for failure--for everyone. It was also justification for me to escape my further rejection by my mom who should have been more available to me now than ever with her new role as mom only.
When I look back I realize how hard it was for me to see that my mom had so much to be grateful for--I know I was-and yet still wasn't at peace with herself. I think to the degree that I pointed that out to her is equivalent to the degree with which I thank God for the provisions He has allowed in my own life. There is a responsibility with what we are gifted with: whether it is time, resources, knowledge, finances etc. the blessing is found in what is done with those gifts for their optimal benefit for serving others. I never understood how she managed to feel victimized by her life to the point where she wasn't making a positive impact in the most important group of all in any woman's life: her family.
Because my childhood was so lonely and isolating I didn't often go back to my grandparent's house in the country to visit once we moved. They came in to visit often enough and because of my developing social life I did not make their visits a priority. When I was 17 years old after a year decline in my Papap's health, he died of congestive heart failure. I remember that when he had his first heart attack and his strength noticeably diminished I had a hard time adjusting. He had NEVER even had a cold since I could remember and he also had the strength of an ox. It devastated me when he died and the one connection I had with true love and acceptance was now gone forever.
It wasn't until I was 22 years old that it really hit me. How I had failed him! The man that adored me had been rejected by me when he needed me the most. It still pains me to think about it. I also know that God used me as the catalyst to bring him to Himself. My purpose in my Papap's life is one that I am the only one on the planet can claim. I thank God for that role.
And after being blessed with a dad who has filled a role in my life that only God could gift me with after rejection by my biological father, I realize God always provides. It doesn't always come in ways we expect and there is often a fight for its maintenance but when challenges present themselves and many fail us God has shown me that there are a few key people in my life that have enriched me in ways that ONLY He could offer. I have my Papap, my dad (Rodney) and my husband. And each of them are polar opposites but share one common element: they each love me beyond what I could ever earn!
They love me the way I had longed for my mom to love me. I am just thankful that I never held that against her. I intuitively understood her limitations. I also clearly see how God gave me these 3 men to guide me through various stages of my life with a common goal: becoming my absolute best for where I was at those times.
I am still a dreamer. I still have an ideal in my heart that I cannot shake no matter what logic presents itself. Regardless of my circumstances I still focus on the best life has to offer. I understand that to be more than what money buys or continual ease. I tell my kids what my mom used to tell me: shoot for the stars, the moon isn't high enough!
Dreaming brings hope to trials. It brings order to chaos.
August 17, 2007 my mom died from cancer after a 2 year decline. When they told her there was nothing else they could do for her it was Mother's Day weekend. She literally went home and never left. I watched the pain of her life and the pain of her disease be replaced with a renewed faith in her God and in her suffering. She knew where she was going. My dad barely worked during those 3 months. He was by her side. I watched the chasm between them be filled. She let go of her anger and frustration for her disappointments in her life and I believe for the first time she realized that it wasn't someone else's job to fill those spaces. They were her own responsibility. She began to tough it out with God and He showed up. Did He ever! The hospice nurse said to me one evening, "You know your family is having a supernatural experience with death, don't you?!" I knew. I watched my mom be restored and redeemed through her dying body. What a testimony to the power of God and the truth of His word. She was His! She had not been trusting Him for many years and her bitterness was standing in the way of her peace. But she claimed Him as her savior and she knew salvation was only found in Him and He proved Himself to all who knew my mom and watched her transform--on her death bed.
To this day I have not shed a tear. I did that during the times I laid by her side and cried at the ugliness and torture of her disease. I also cried at the love I saw her able to express when she barely had an ounce of strength to do so. I cried when she told me how proud she was of the woman and the mother and the wife and the child of God I had become. I cried when she told me I was her hero. And I cried when she died and I could no longer see her face and smell her smell. Then I cried one last time when we closed her casket and I knew I would never see her physical body again. And then I rejoiced (her name was Joyce) that she was in heaven with two of my favorite people--my Papap and Lisa--my twins (first) mom.
I am blessed to have had God join me to a man who has continued to grow in his relationship to God and allow His purpose to be the one that remains his sole desire for his life. His sickness (which is in my blog titled Pain to Purpose) had been the tool that God has used to harvest a field of hope that grows with each seminar to those searching for answers to bizarre and unexplainable illnesses. My trust in him as a person with integrity and desire to satisfy me has been tested and for several years our roles were reversed. I grew during that time in ways I never would have imagined. When Dylan and Olivia came into our life I once again kicked into a new level of survival and after 6 years finally am finding the space to thrive. It is occurring as a result of some unforeseen and unfair realities that have caused us to hold fast to our faith in who we know ourselves to be and our God who has allowed it all. (I will write about that too--perhaps next) What I know above all else is this: when you are called to a life of purpose, one that makes a difference in the world and you pray and ask God to direct it, do not think for one second that the road to the destination will be easy. IT WILL BE THE HARDEST ONE YOU HAVE EVER WALKED! It must be earned. It is the responsibility of earning the gift. And God cannot release it to you until you have surrendered to His ways being higher than your ways. There is always purpose in the suffering. We are the human sacrifices He uses to accomplish His desires for a world He desperately loves. Once we prove ourselves worthy He will release us and His blessing will be bestowed upon us. I am still earning the value He feels I have to offer even though I feel I have nothing left to give.

Missionary Man

2010-04-18T14:28:00.001-04:00

Many of you already know my husband. He is everything and more that you have come to know him to be: purpose-driven, compassionate, off-the-charts intelligent and a man of integrity. He had more of these qualities than anyone I knew when I met him 20 years ago and since then the challenges that he faced brought these characteristics into a new level of existence. I decided that as there have been many mountains we have climbed as our marriage, our family and our mission have grown, that the best way to add yet another dimension to our call was to offer to those interested in joining our mission of "exposing the epidemic" the part of his story that is not one that can be focused on in his teaching and yet it is a part that we have learned a long the way to be invaluable to those suffering. It is the emotional aspect of neurotoxic conditions. Whether you are the one who is neurotoxic or the partner of the one who is sick, the burden is immense. The pain is real. Emotional needs are not met. There are many paths that are sought. There are few answers. Hope is difficult to find and doom seems to lurk and attack without warning. I know your pain. I know it because I have been there and at times still feel the threat of what I thought was overcome. We fear what we do not know and we fear more what we have already suffered through.

When Danny and I were married, we had already known each other for almost 6 years. When we had our first child, Daniel, it was 2 years later. 2 years after that came another baby boy, Izik and within 4 months, my husband began experiencing a cascade of events that began a quest and a crusade.

I remember he had a bout with the flu and the next month again and the next month yet again. We were perplexed by this occurrence as Danny was not one to get sick. EVER! He was an avid cyclist and spent a few hundred miles on his bike throughout the week. I used to feel frustrated by his intensity with the sport but after our marriage and a baby and gaining some leverage as a result, he attempted to spend more time supporting my needs and I quickly learned that was better accomplished AFTER he put some time in the saddle. We had a relationship that just worked. We knew each other so well when we got married and our love was based on a genuine respect for one another. Even the things that were on each of our "lists" we knew we would probably never see much success in changing and we were ok with that as even those idiosyncratic behaviors were not points of contention for either of us, as much as areas that would perfect our marriage. We both understood perfection was not attainable on this side of heaven and so we both were satisfied with who we were to one another and how we just seemed to fit together even though in some ways we were very different. .

When we looked back at the onset of his sickness, we recalled debilitating headaches that drove him off his bike. They lasted for well over the balance of the day and sometimes into the next day. He also had insomnia. It wasn't just sleeplessness. It was sleeplessness that forced him into another bed so that the baby and I could get "some" sleep and after a period of time he eventually began anticipating and fearing the night. Some nights I would go upstairs to check on him and find him curled in a fetal position. The strength and character of the man I knew was dwindling and the shift began to occur as roles were reversing.

I was the more irrational of the two of us as I assume women often are. By nature we are more emotional and do not look at facts to drive our decisions. For a brief moment I gained perspective beyond my tendencies and looked at the irrational behavior of my husband and saw with clarity all that I needed to know which was the philosophy that we lived our life by: there had to be a physiological explanation for the manifestation of his symptoms. We already lived a life that was sound and built on God's principles. We ate according to a premise that simply believed that if God made it, it was good for you and if man altered it in any way, avoid it. I had stayed home to give birth to my children and we didn't vaccinate and disrupt the immune system of the perfection to which God created the human race. We didn't take aspirin for headaches or any other drugs to cover symptoms. We believed there to be a time and a place for medicine but we knew that to be mostly in emergency situations.

Danny was solid. His philosophy was sound. His influence was contagious. He was a leader worth following and he gained his belief system based on the research of the science. He was not someone who just followed a trend. He needed proof. When the bottom fell out during this time, I was the one reminding him of what I ultimately had learned from him. I repeatedly reminded him that there just had to be a physiological explanation for what he was going through and that I just knew that God had created him with the slew of talents and abilities He did so that he could carry a message into the world that it needed to hear. I really had no idea what that was at the time but given the knowledge and purpose we were living out and sharing and our commitment and passion for God's ways being higher and better than our own, I just knew that there was a higher calling within it all. My only ability to see through the mess that we were living through was by a process of elimination: we had a good grasp of things that made sense but there were certainly areas within the realm of health that we didn't have experience with. At the time we lived in an old home in a small suburb of Pittsburgh that I had a thought about perhaps being part of the culprit: what if there was something in our house that was making him sick. It wasn't long before this that I too had some symptoms that were plaguing me and we weren't able to figure out the origin. I had this incessant tapping on the top of my head in the same spot for months, my neck would click when I would turn my head--and at times it was more aggravating than others, and I began having feelings of fear that would come and go. We would go to the bookstore and research and were led to believe that it was something relating to hormones--between having my first baby and being a vegan (eating no meat or dairy) and not being a proponent of supplementation it was quite possible that with the more reading he was doing the more a deficiency of some sort was a possible cause. After 2 babies, nursing, and more frustration and consequently more education I began eating meat. We learned it wasn't actually the meat, but what man had done to it to change its composition. That fit within our philosophy and within a very short period of time my symptoms dissipated.

So when I thought about the potential for our house to be making us sick I convinced my husband to seek out a toxicologist. We went to a prominent hospital in the city and they ran a battery of tests. It was more than a few thousand dollars later and a statement that infuriates me: " you are just under a lot of stress and need a good psychotropic drug"! Our position for our response took us back to our philosophy. Quickly putting into perspective that those living in third world countries who were dealing with war or famine were under stress. We live in America and our stress is manageable for the most part--at least under normal conditions. Once we left there, even though we were under a new degree of hopelessness, we were also left to The One that allowed it and He would surely answer our cries for help. He already led Danny to a greater level of understanding of health and a greater commitment to His purpose and the primary one that was front and center was getting his own health back! I gained greater hope for God's call upon our life as I watched my husband on his decent days research and pursue authors, scientists, peer-reviewed journals and articles searching for avenues to lead to a road that would restore his health. The symptoms were brutal and seemed to have no predictability. He would watch a movie and whether happy or sad, passive or aggressive, Danny would not be able to recover. His heart would pound, his adrenaline would surge and he would be left spent and scared--if it were in the evening, he typically would not be able to sleep that night. There were times when I would be putting away the dishes or sliding hangars in the closet and he would tell me his nerves were jumping and I had to stop. He would accuse me of making more noise than necessary to accomplish tasks. There were times when the kids would make noise (and be kids) and he couldn't tolerate it. I would have to grab them and rush out of the house. I can remember leaving in bare feet and the kids in their pajamas. I can remember the feelings of desperation that washed over him out of nowhere and I would be driving us somewhere and he would share his mental state...as he always did...and I was SCARED. As those dreaded feelings erupted within him and his ability to communicate it with such emotional intensity, I anticipated him taking control of the steering wheel and ending it for both of us. I hid knives at times due to my fears of the power of his irrational mind.

I remember gauging life events as signs that things would soon improve. When I got pregnant with our 3rd child I immediately thought we were soon to be through this ordeal. When my cousin was murdered by her husband and he killed himself and her 7 year old twins--and one vaccine damaged--were now our children, I again arrived immediately at the same conclusion: surely God wouldn't allow this as there was no way Danny could handle it otherwise. We were living in crisis mode and couldn't seem to escape. Our new baby boy, Simon, was only 6 weeks old when the tragedy occurred. Daniel was 5, Izik 3, Simon was 6 weeks and Dylan and Olivia were 7. My head was spinning. My husband was just on the brink of finding the answer--mercury poisoning due to the improper removal of amalgam fillings and a diagnosis of Mad Hatters Disease. Knowing what it took to get Danny to where he now was, with hope on the horizon was truly a gift from God that we knew had a call attached to it. A new purpose with greater responsibility with unknown knowledge within even natural health was unfolding. Knowing what we had just learned over the past 3 years came with a price. The bible says the more you know the more accountable you are and now we also had another life to apply this knowledge to: Dylan's. He had a diagnosis of Sensory Integration which is an Autism Spectrum Disorder and my cousin Lisa, Dylan's mom, had been handed that diagnosis with a disclaimer: He will never be mainstreamed.

The past 3 years of living hell and simultaneous trust in what God was going to bring out of it had not allowed for room for giving up or giving in. This steadfast perspective led me to look to God as the author and perfecter of my faith. I now understood that the seed of hope and purpose God planted would become a tree with lasting fruit. If Danny was to be the deliverer of this information then I had to be his supporter and the mother of 5 children all uniquely challenged as a result of the burdens they were all carrying for different reasons.