It is no secret that my life has been filled with shattered expectations and tremendous disappointment. Some of those are more obvious than others but they have been occurring since I can remember...and even before I can remember. We can look at the surface of situations (including me) in our lives and deny. We can deny that we are hurting or hurt. We can deny that we are lost within what we should be thankful for and we can deny that there is a consequence for denying. At some point we will hit a crisis or perhaps God will shine that proverbial light that calls our full attention away from ourselves and toward a new chapter...He calls us onward and upward...and it will be precisely at the appropriate time of His choosing. I have LEARNED that too...we can't choose when that will be. I am speaking from experience. I have longed for God to equip me perfectly for the work He called me to do. I was even so bold and confident within it to know I was created for it. And yet, the deeper and further I was immersed within it, the more I LEARNED just how desperately I needed HIM to perform it. I also LEARNED that what He desired to perform wasn't an accomplished task, but an accomplished me!
I have already LEARNED so much, and there are times when I would even say too much, and yet, because I hate self-pity, I will not even allow myself to think it. One day, as God allows and continues to heal me, I believe I will have greater impact and be able to embrace it without the regret of what the pain has caused me. Until then I keep trusting Him to heal the wounded places within my heart and shine the love that He gives me to the world...that is where I am as I know that I have nothing because I began with nothing. Anything that comes through me that is beneficial is coming from Him for purposes beyond myself.
I am also LEARNING that when my effort is surrendered, I struggle. I never LEARNED how to rest. I never LEARNED that resting is an action word so I I am in the place of LEARNING how to allow God to win the battle that fights with me but not for me. Only His plans win, both with us and for us. Of that, I have already LEARNED! There is a cost to LEARNING. It is an investment, both of our time and our resources. We have to abandon our notions and adopt new ones...which are often in direct opposition to everything we have previously LEARNED.
Sometimes there is nothing more that can be done other than to UNLEARN and RELEARN. Being aware of needing to do so is the first step toward healing.
"Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance...."