Monday, May 9, 2016

A Journey Of Motherhood

What I THOUGHT I Knew About Being A Mom....I learned perhaps immediately was: Nothing.  I knew nothing. It wasn't modeled for me but it was expected of me.  I learned that kids are HARD on their least mine are.  Why is it that the more we are responsible for the greater the responsibility?  What about just being willing and determined to be there...after all, that was all I wanted as a mom to just be "present."  But she wasn't.

What I have learned (in my life and perhaps some of you can relate), whatever we become intentional about is usually based to a large degree on what was lacking in our own life but what we learn is that whatever that is is often not enough for the human condition and tendency to look to others for our fulfillment in life.

I have a unique opportunity (if you want to call it that), of interpreting the dynamics of a mother/child relationship...all within the same family, but chiseled from a variety of strengths weaknesses, expectations and disappointments.  What I have learned is the ones I struggled with more in their understanding of my intentions and expectations (Dylan and Olivia), now respect me and are thankful...and show and tell me so while the ones that I didn't (THINK) I was struggling at all with in the earlier years,  seem to look for opportunities to tell me how I have failed to do something that I should have.

I have always worked toward the lasting result of being "there" for my kids. I believe I have covered every conceivable conversation and every possible topic openly and honestly and probably more transparently than I needed to, but that is just who I am and like it or not, transparency when something is evident to my motives is important to reveal.  I want to be human but even more than that I want to be a testimony of the transformational power of God in the life of someone who trusts Him and is incapable of self-awareness and accomplishment at a level of lasting impact without His convictions upon my heart.

While this journey has humbled me greatly, it has elevated my soul tremendously as well.  The take away for me has always and will always be that there are always opposing forces at work, and while one will attempt to destroy and create self-destruction, the one that we most trust in is the one that will prevail.  "But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."  ~Joshua 24:15 So while things seem challenging at times and exhausting because the older they get, the more challenging they become...they are more closely connected to who they are but without the experiences of life behind them to trust in their developing paradigms about living this life successfully.  When the conversations arise and the choices are revealed, our role of being a mom to being a coach at times is in conflict.  And while it isn't always easy to let them discover themselves, it is always best that we allow them the ability to do so...especially if we have entrusted God to their care.  He knows their journey...He also knows why he allows their journey and just as has been the case when we reflect upon our own lives, what He intends to accomplish in and through them.

So to the moms that feel overwhelmed and underpaid, know this:  your toil early leads to an investment that takes time to mature...and that investment doesn't pay its dividends until the purpose is revealed.  The longer I live, the more experiences I have, the more opportunity I am given for reflection and the more I understand that I have nothing to offer other than my faith and my hope in being inadequate and trusting in Him to overpower my weaknesses and overwhelm the immaturity of an underdeveloped mind.  After all, He has done the same for me.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
 ~Proverbs 22:6

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.”
~Proverbs 31:25-30

Then the mother of the child said, “As the Lord lives and as you yourself live, I will not leave you.” So he arose and followed her. ~2Kings 4:30

Sunday, April 3, 2016


Once again, another kid finding his way to his future...Dylan.  While it seems it happens in a short span of time, the truth is that it has been a process that has been occurring for years.

The 7 year old who walked through my door confused, traumatized, angry, and empty is walking out a secure, enthusiastic, happy, and prepared young man.  To be able to articulate my heart as I type this out is nearly impossible to know the direction nor the ability of how I will possibly organize my thoughts.  They are most certainly and justifiably all over the place.

My relationship with Dylan was challenged from the start.  How could it not be?  He wasn't looking for new parents and I was certainly blindsided in gaining them. The kid at 5 and 6 that I visited at his home in Florida was always a relief to realize he wasn't one that I had to manage.  I empathized with the challenges that Lisa and Les endured and attempted to manage though occupational therapies and inadequate efforts.  Their reality resulted in my gratitude being even more enhanced for the way we were raising our family...and then that reality (theirs) became ours.

Accepting the responsibility as a calling of God and an expression of my love for Lisa was my mindset and the position of my heart.  I put all else out of my mind.  I could never have imagined all the distractions that pushed in and were unable to be avoided and required even more time and effort than just the significant challenge at hand. Somewhere along the way,  I had to learn that God had accounted for that as well...and He knew who He chose and why.

Through years of consistent application of dietary restrictions and quality fats and the most healthy resources implemented at every turn including words of faith spoken over him accompanied by endless modifications when things seemed to not be working and expected boundaries for his behavior outbursts and attitudes it is now evident that a commitment to faith was all that was required. The stoic confidence that now exudes from Dylan today is one of the greatest external and palpable personality traits that others observe...especially me since I have been in it from the beginning and can only marvel at what God has done.

To watch him develop his interests in life and independently research ways to invest, develop and direct his energy today is the greatest gift to me as I know he wisely and prudently ascertains his course as it unfolds.

As one who sacrificed so much for this incredibly rewarding outcome (without qualification at any level but possessing only ONE necessary characteristic for success and that is FAITH in God), not limited to but including energy that I thought would have been required for the other 4 kids but this ONE so desperately needed directed every step of the way,  I can say with every ounce of my being, that is was so worth trusting God for the outcome of every one of them.  My commitment met God's mercy and grace, and that young man of today is a reflection of the promises of God when we trust Him beyond our circumstances, beyond our abilities...and beyond our understanding.  And you know, the other 4 that were what many would call "deprived" (including my very own mother) because of the needs of the ONE,  are also beyond rooted in their faith and in their confidence in their own future's.

As Dylan prepares to go into the world, I more clearly understand why we trust God and lean not on our own understanding.

Today, when his final report card came home, and I saw for the first and last time his "graded performance"  (which has not looked remotely like this before), it summed up what I am attempting to communicate.  The deficits have been overcome, the enthusiasm for his future reflected in his ability to face each challenge with intention and place every obstacle under his feet as he will forge ahead to his calling within his own life.

My heart is full and my faith has grown and my kid is a product of the words and the life given him though the ONE who gave it all to me in the first place.  Thank YOU Jesus...ONLY YOU could produce the quality of the product that this world will be blessed by.  What an honor to answer
our call, battle the obstacles and look ONLY to You for the end result.

The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it. ~1 Thessalonians 5:24

When God calls you, He will equip you.

When God calls you, He qualifies you.
When God calls you, He will provide.

I have never had more confidence in this truth than I do today.  I can tell you that it does not come through having faith, but through exercising faith.  I believe not only I can say this with confidence, but Dylan can as well.