Thanksgiving Dinner 2011.
At dinner with my dad yesterday, we took the time to go around the table as we always do giving thanks. I was enriched by my kid's hearts and their expressions of gratitude. What I wasn't expecting was my own. The VERY first thing that came to my mind and consequently out of my mouth, was my gratitude for Dylan and Olivia. What I realize is that I have become who I am as a result of them in my life. The difficult and unpenetrable places of my heart that I knew were resistant to change have become open and receptive to offering myself and what has been stifled as a result of the wounds that have been in me since I was very young and rejected and abandoned by my own biological father.
The public battle that has taken so much from us has undeniably given us so much more. The matter of the truth being heard has become secondary to the greater purpose it has served within our family. Only God could accomplish such a feat. My protected and repellant state of existence can only be defined as fear. What did I fear? I have asked myself that so many times I have lost count and yet it hasn't been until God took my fear that I realized why it existed and that I wasn't the one who could control when or how it would become a healed wound.
I humorously added that I was glad that they had the personalities they had and that there were 2 of them rather than the reverse with the 3 that came from Danny and I being added to the mix ;)
The second thought that came out of my mouth was something that occurred the day before but it wasn't until I began speaking that I realized another healed area of my wounded self. Olivia and I went out for the evening the other night and the boys (especially Izik) were anxious to finish the Christmas Tree. Under any other circumstances and any other year, I decorate it.
When we came home Izik was laying on the couch looking at the completed tree with a look of satisfaction. He asked me what I thought of it...I took it in and told him it was PERFECT!
It was while I was recounting what I was thankful for that I found myself announcing that all of the stress in my life that I have had no choice but to deal with has not robbed me at all, but restored my joy and appreciation for the role of a mother called into a unique situation for an enormous purpose...to mend hearts. I realized that it wasn't possible to fully mend my children's hearts when my own still required an overhaul. God has provided the opportunity for this to occur...I will never be the same and my children will be blessed by me and through me as a result.
So thank you to the one who has created havoc. And Thank YOU more Lord God for knowing my heart and loving me enough to not leave me as I was but calling me out of myself and into your desires. While releasing my own has been done through tremendous adversity, I am now grateful for your relentless love and mercy that accompanies our challenges.
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:16
The final piece of gratitude that emerged from my brokenness was the power of God alone to do this. I realized fully in that moment that trust maintained in the ONLY ONE who holds the power to turn defeat into victory is how the ultimate battle is won. Many "things" can be taken, but the things that matter most are our relationships and our hearts with their desires in tact with the hope that has been long-since planted, but with roots growing underneath the soil until the appropriate time for them to spring forth.
I NOW UNDERSTAND MYSELF...that my God will meet all (of my) needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. What has been replaced by what has been stolen is far greater.