Saturday, November 23, 2013

Squeezed By And Squeezing Life

Have you ever struggled to get quiet before God?  If your personality is anything like mine, getting quiet is quite difficult.  Add 5 kids, a demanding life and challenging dynamics to the mix and it is no wonder that solitude doesn't seem to match with my personality.

I remind myself that God doesn't make mistakes and He brings things into our life so that we can learn from them and more about Him.

I have been in a healing crisis in my life for what seems like an eternity.   Healing isn't easy, it is often occurring when life is least exciting and for me, still finding time to enjoy the things and those I value within it is always of utmost focus.

I have learned so many things through various circumstances not only in my life but also in the lives of others, and now I am laser focused on going back to a root cause for many of the challenges I have.  I am trusting God for His headship in leading me to and through.  I attend a small trauma therapy group in which all have suffered some incredible disappointments due to unmet expectations.  They are all unique.  My battle began as an infant… and due to parenting that didn't show up in a way that nurtured me for the life I have been called to so that I could receive challenges with grace, this is something that I need help with and a mindset that matches what I know about myself in my relationship with God.  I believed I have received many of my challenges without self-pity (for the most part) and I am fairly confident of that because I was raised within a household with enough self-pity to go around that I made up my unconscious mind long ago not to travel that repulsive and most disappointing road.   There is always someone or something that can be considered to be the reason for our disappointments, but that doesn't mean we have an excuse to embrace it and act out of the wound it has created.  The most enlightening aspect of my counseling came through this group not long ago when I learned that we all have a framework built inside of each of us and when what comes at us doesn't make sense, we have no choice but to build a new grid in order to cope with those disappointments.  With enough of these disappointments and new mappings, we grow inept at many of the challenges within our life.  It happens to all of us one way or another.  Learning that removed my guilt.  It enabled me to understand that God isn't mad at me for not being all I desire to be but struggle to live up to.  HE KNOWS what has happened in our lives that prevented it from ever being possible but He also desires to put me back together…better than before.  Those adults that failed us are just like us…incapable,  due to their own brokenness.  This is one big broken world, Thank God He gave us Jesus!

When I learned that I had long since reached a point where I realized that God was up to something and it is beyond my understanding but certainly not beyond my involvement and while He has provided me with many things that I am naturally inclined toward, He has also left me depleted enough to force me to seek Him for the answers and direction as well as the perspective required to make it great!  Good is never enough for me…GREAT is where I want to be, impact, achieve and experience!

Being in this group has quickly taught me that most people living life have been traumatized but too few are able to look at it for what it is and grieve the sorrow connected with it and then MOVE ON…God has a plan, He allowed the pain, He chose the door to let us out as well as the LIFE to be lived that absolutely can be lived with such effectiveness (when we allow it to be) once we release ourselves from that bondage.

There is no path that is perfect, there is no thought process within that path that is traveled with absolute certainty or confidence, but there is a God in Heaven and His Name Is Jesus and I am here to bear witness that some things in life absolutely CANNOT be explained away…whether good or bad…with reason or none at all.

Faith is built during those times.  Life is restructured, confidence is even restored.

I chose to fast this weekend with a semi-quiet house with a few kids beginning their ski season away from home and their dad with them.  I am praying for time to write, time to think, time to reflect (better than thinking for me), and time to read.  Most importantly I am praying for time to remind God just how much I depend upon Him.  When all else fails, and it does and it will, what is there for us if it is not Him?   Sometimes He wants nothing more from us than total dependence (I actually believe He wants that from us always but He reminds us of it when we feel overwhelmed by life or simply all too aware).

Half way through my 4 day fast and I am thankful for the scene in my room right now…2 sleeping kitties and my dog on my bed :)

I am determined to pester God for healing of this wounded soul, and my disappointed child that still lives inside but simultaneously I am a proud wife and mother who has been called to a life of service, something that I am not great at as I never saw nor experienced it in practice and all that is accomplished in a day is already beyond my framework.  Nonetheless I am determined to offer more, to live from plenty and not from lack.

Whatever it is that you desire God to show up for on your behalf, remember that it will not happen unless you bring Him into it.  Pray it in, fast it in, cry it out and thank Him for ALL He gives…HE IS JEHOVAH RAPHA (The God That Heals).

Psalm 61: The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

I find it never coincidental when God is working and how He works.  When His work is effective (and it always is), then we have to lay it down…all of it and TRUST Him.  So when you think about the purpose and focus of Your Thanksgiving, remember that there is NO Thankfulness without hardships or less than moments.  These are what brings our posture of surrender and praise to Him.  This is what enables us to lay our burdens at the foot of the cross and simply call His name and ask for His touch…the Only One that truly heals.  I believe that when we do this, truly reliant upon Him and Him alone, miracles happen!

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