When I found out that a few of my friends...who connected by "divine design" were determined to mobilize an effort to help our family, I was humbed once more. Their energy directed toward that effort has shown me yet again that God calls us all to a purpose beyond ourselves.
I am grateful for God leading their efforts as the devastation has been incredible. Maintaining five children with a significantly diminished income and insurmountable legal bills; as well as the fallout from the gross distortions and allegations have more than taken their toll on our family.
While I realize that there is purpose in all adversity, the challenges that press in certainly have a ripple effect in which even more pain is felt that the overarching one that will be sorted out in the courts.
I recently watched a series of videos by Andy Andrews called The Butterfly Effect. He speaks of how every action we take in life makes a difference. I wake up every morning with the determination to make a difference within the space and time that I am living. I believe that I have many friends out there that know that know our family's character and want to show their support. I have wondered if our silence has been misinterpreted. But I also understand that every thing has a season and its own time. I have been changed through my silence. I have learned a level of compassion for those hurting that I never would have understood any other way if it weren't for my own pain...and what I am sure of is that God calls us through those challenging circumstances to stay faithful, remain steadfast in our trust of Him, and hopeful for what can be produced as a result.
While it is somewhat embarrassing to be in the situation we are in without the truth setting us free (at least at this point), I have realized that unless we are willing to lay ourselves bare, trust God for the outcome working to our ultimate benefit, we cannot experience healing and restoration on all the levels that He desires for our lives. Romans 8:28 is a verse we have been quoting for over a decade in our home...between my husband's illness, the loss of the twin's parents, our reformed family and the challenges associated within it...and now this. God has proven faithful in all areas, I will continue to put my hope and faith in the ONLY ONE who has the power to bring beauty of out ashes.
Thank you so much friends. I have learned who my real friends are in my life and I treasure the ones that God continues to bring into our life for His purpose to be fulfilled on this earth.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Lifting His Arms
Our life at times feels as if it is coming apart...I trust God for the outcome, but the challenges along the way are beyond me. This speaks to my heart...especially concerning all that my husband is dealing with: Exodus 17:8-13 says: "Moses stood on top of the hill with the rod of God in his hand overlooking the battlefield, and as he lifted it up it showed their dependence upon the Lord and there would be no victory without God's intervention. The Israelites prevailed while the rod was lifted and when Moses' arms were too tired to lift up the rod, Aaron and Hur found a rock for Moses to sit on and they held up his hands." Please pray for my husband...I am not the only one who God calls to "lift up his arms".
In the battle in Exodus 17, Moses was feeling weary. When his arms got tired and he could no longer "hold up his arms" the enemy would start winning the battle. Where we are in our life's journey, there is an overwhelming amount of opposition. It is truly beyond explanantion. During this battle in Exodus, God sent Aaron and Hur to each come alongside of Moses and hold up his arms. As a result, they won the battle and Moses' strength returned to him. I often write to encourage others through what I have been allowed to understand as a result of my own battle. But today I am writing as a request for you, my friends, to stand in the gap and lift not just Danny's arms, but mine as well as we fight our enemies. I believe, beyond any explanantion, that our power to defeat what comes against us daily will be done through the people of God, aligning themselves for the purpose of God, and supporting this man of God, as He leads this mission to expose this epidemic and all that comes against us as we trudge into the enemy territory of the culture in which we live.
And as you do, I believe we will all see miracles happen! You know I will keep you informed as we fight...in each victory, as well as seeming defeat, as our battle truly belongs to the Lord.
1 Samuel 17:45-47 reminds us of David's faith in God: Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give you into our hand.”
I have come to understand that our battles belong to God. Like David, I have more faith in God than in any "giant" in my life. My faith is all I have and yet I know that it is everything I need...and more. If you want to test Him, (and even if you haven't given it thought at the level I am suggesting), PLEASE join us in our battle. Come before God on our behalf and watch Him work...this is what so many need to see in their own lives but fear putting their trust in Him so that they can experience it. Trust Him with me...I will take whatever you will give and so will He. I will not be disappointed and neither will you. The challenges we all have are not too big for Him...we are sometimes just too big to give them to Him.
In the battle in Exodus 17, Moses was feeling weary. When his arms got tired and he could no longer "hold up his arms" the enemy would start winning the battle. Where we are in our life's journey, there is an overwhelming amount of opposition. It is truly beyond explanantion. During this battle in Exodus, God sent Aaron and Hur to each come alongside of Moses and hold up his arms. As a result, they won the battle and Moses' strength returned to him. I often write to encourage others through what I have been allowed to understand as a result of my own battle. But today I am writing as a request for you, my friends, to stand in the gap and lift not just Danny's arms, but mine as well as we fight our enemies. I believe, beyond any explanantion, that our power to defeat what comes against us daily will be done through the people of God, aligning themselves for the purpose of God, and supporting this man of God, as He leads this mission to expose this epidemic and all that comes against us as we trudge into the enemy territory of the culture in which we live.
And as you do, I believe we will all see miracles happen! You know I will keep you informed as we fight...in each victory, as well as seeming defeat, as our battle truly belongs to the Lord.
1 Samuel 17:45-47 reminds us of David's faith in God: Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give you into our hand.”
I have come to understand that our battles belong to God. Like David, I have more faith in God than in any "giant" in my life. My faith is all I have and yet I know that it is everything I need...and more. If you want to test Him, (and even if you haven't given it thought at the level I am suggesting), PLEASE join us in our battle. Come before God on our behalf and watch Him work...this is what so many need to see in their own lives but fear putting their trust in Him so that they can experience it. Trust Him with me...I will take whatever you will give and so will He. I will not be disappointed and neither will you. The challenges we all have are not too big for Him...we are sometimes just too big to give them to Him.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
15 YEARS OF PURPOSE/10 YEARS OF PAIN
Today is our anniversary. I think many of you know my respect for my husband and all that he is especially for those of you that have been touched by his brilliant mind and compassionate heart. Today I want to remind him of the man that satisfies our family beyond his life's work. Today is the perfect opportunity to remind him of the investment that he makes into our children each day that has and will shape them into the adults they will become. Whether it is getting to the heart of a motive or lack of or fishing in the lake he invests 100% of himself into each place he travels with them. He also calls me to a higher standard in my motives for being an effective mom in a culture in which teaching moment after teaching moment arises throughout each day. He has also helped to shape me as a woman in ways too numerous to mention. As a man and a doctor, there are countless people that have rallied to his side and many that have been birthed out of the adversity in a way that only God could provide for his support and encouragement.
On our 15 year anniversary, the last 10 have certainly been difficult and they have chiseled away at both of us with heartfelt losses along the way. As we have felt the pressure of life remove bits and pieces of us bit by bit, we have also experienced that there is purpose in all suffering. There is life after loss. There is even tremendous hope that we can offer to others as they suffer in their own pain.
I cannot think of a more perfectly suited man to walk this walk with me and my own challenges nor can I imagine not standing by his side as God brings us through each trial for a reason much greater than ourselves and something that will last well beyond this lifetime.
Happy Anniversary Danny...I will remind you...as well as myself today that the man you have become through such difficulty is on a journey toward a destination that has the ability to change a paradigm for an unnecessarily suffering culture and as our God works in and through us to accomplish His purpose...He knows best what the most effective route is for His goals to be achieved in our lives. As He tarries...I will also remember that the journey is the destination so that I do not grow weary in the challenging circumstances. Our circumstances will not define us...only our God will.
I LOVE YOU!
On our 15 year anniversary, the last 10 have certainly been difficult and they have chiseled away at both of us with heartfelt losses along the way. As we have felt the pressure of life remove bits and pieces of us bit by bit, we have also experienced that there is purpose in all suffering. There is life after loss. There is even tremendous hope that we can offer to others as they suffer in their own pain.
I cannot think of a more perfectly suited man to walk this walk with me and my own challenges nor can I imagine not standing by his side as God brings us through each trial for a reason much greater than ourselves and something that will last well beyond this lifetime.
Happy Anniversary Danny...I will remind you...as well as myself today that the man you have become through such difficulty is on a journey toward a destination that has the ability to change a paradigm for an unnecessarily suffering culture and as our God works in and through us to accomplish His purpose...He knows best what the most effective route is for His goals to be achieved in our lives. As He tarries...I will also remember that the journey is the destination so that I do not grow weary in the challenging circumstances. Our circumstances will not define us...only our God will.
I LOVE YOU!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Interrupted By God
"Sometimes the crossroads define us and we are not meant to find our way back, but find the new path that intersects at the crossroads. Finding our way back isn't an option when God has used our past to define our future." ~Me :-)
I wrote this as a response to a post when someone was suggesting that we turn around if we get off track and find our way back and all will be well. I have learned that when we are desiring to be used by God for His purpose(s) we will never go back to where we came from. While the pain is felt at every level of our life and within every fiber of our being, the focus that is removed from our life is self. After all...it is His purpose even if we are fueled by it and excited for it. Even though we are all struggling to remain intact in the midst of life's twists and turns, it is in the place that we abandon our "self" that we find our heart's desire. This is accomplished with less reisistance and pain for some but there certainly is a common thread that goes along with determination and that is persistance. Persistance keeps us on track until we meet our goals, but when God interrupts us in our quest to accomplish our "self-ish" goals we spend the first portion of His blatant agenda preserving self until we realize He is going to have His way and there is nothing we can do to change that other than surrender to the process. Our prayer then becomes: let me learn every lesson You desire to teach me so that I do not have to stay here any longer than necessary. While the discomfort can be disturbing...as interruptions are...the ability to bring comfort to others begins to come out as we are squeezed. We begin to see others challenges from a perspective of empathy rather than apathy. We realize that there are many types of personalities that we are confronted with each day and to truly lead effectively we must have patience and understanding for those that do not look at life through the same lenses. Let's face it, the "lenses" each of us has are there as a result of our life's experiences. How we perceive, interpret, and handle life is a direct result of what we learned through our fears and reactions to them and therefore expect as an outcome to our response. When our response no longer accomplishes our goals, we shift gears. When the shift doesn't produce the desired result (sometimes repeatedly) we will eventually get to a place where we realize God is going to have His way and no amount of action or reaction by us will change that.
When we truly let go, we become free. Free from the determination to have our way and free from the burdens that go along with having our own way. We trust He knows best and His will is best. When we live by His paradigm, we also realize there is much more life to be lived because He controls and allows everything for His glory and we, as His children were created to glorify Him. When we can understand that reality, our fears shift toward excitement. How much more effective will we then be when we release the fear of holding on and realize that the ONLY ONE who can gives us the absolute best life has to offer, and desires to do just that, is THE ONE in control?!! I have struggled with this myself and it hasn't been until I stubbornly dug in and realized God digs in even more, not to harm me or my "self" but to help me find my true self that is truly devoted to His call and cannot rest until that call is realized that I have begun letting go. I certainly see myself within it, but it is not the same restless self. It is the self that knows, the one that is connected to His spirit, that He will make it happen if I just remove myself from the determination to "make it happen".
In Psalm 37:4 the Psalmist said “Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” If we are passionate about God, we can trust our passions. It is when we are determined to have our way, that His way cannot be realized. We are held back. We are limited. Following God knows no limits. Even though I have been a slow learner, I feel I am now on the fast track and my head space has advanced despite my physical place. I can tell you as one who feared, there is nothing to fear. The anticipation of the goal realized has taken on a new excitement. There is also a fresh assurance. We do not have to fear that our heart's desire is in contrast to God's heart. Through a surrendered life comes a sense of urgency for your purpose. Under these circumstances, that purpose will be in direct alignment with His heart and therefore it is trustworthy. You will feel a freedom as you release yourself and let Him control the steps He has already ordained. The path is different for each of us, but the destination is the same: defined self, redefined mission, purpose-filled destination. Abandon yourself to the process and do not look back...the crossroads are right in front of you...take the step and feel the freedom in your soul. It may not look like you expected, but what you expected never looked so good!
I wrote this as a response to a post when someone was suggesting that we turn around if we get off track and find our way back and all will be well. I have learned that when we are desiring to be used by God for His purpose(s) we will never go back to where we came from. While the pain is felt at every level of our life and within every fiber of our being, the focus that is removed from our life is self. After all...it is His purpose even if we are fueled by it and excited for it. Even though we are all struggling to remain intact in the midst of life's twists and turns, it is in the place that we abandon our "self" that we find our heart's desire. This is accomplished with less reisistance and pain for some but there certainly is a common thread that goes along with determination and that is persistance. Persistance keeps us on track until we meet our goals, but when God interrupts us in our quest to accomplish our "self-ish" goals we spend the first portion of His blatant agenda preserving self until we realize He is going to have His way and there is nothing we can do to change that other than surrender to the process. Our prayer then becomes: let me learn every lesson You desire to teach me so that I do not have to stay here any longer than necessary. While the discomfort can be disturbing...as interruptions are...the ability to bring comfort to others begins to come out as we are squeezed. We begin to see others challenges from a perspective of empathy rather than apathy. We realize that there are many types of personalities that we are confronted with each day and to truly lead effectively we must have patience and understanding for those that do not look at life through the same lenses. Let's face it, the "lenses" each of us has are there as a result of our life's experiences. How we perceive, interpret, and handle life is a direct result of what we learned through our fears and reactions to them and therefore expect as an outcome to our response. When our response no longer accomplishes our goals, we shift gears. When the shift doesn't produce the desired result (sometimes repeatedly) we will eventually get to a place where we realize God is going to have His way and no amount of action or reaction by us will change that.
When we truly let go, we become free. Free from the determination to have our way and free from the burdens that go along with having our own way. We trust He knows best and His will is best. When we live by His paradigm, we also realize there is much more life to be lived because He controls and allows everything for His glory and we, as His children were created to glorify Him. When we can understand that reality, our fears shift toward excitement. How much more effective will we then be when we release the fear of holding on and realize that the ONLY ONE who can gives us the absolute best life has to offer, and desires to do just that, is THE ONE in control?!! I have struggled with this myself and it hasn't been until I stubbornly dug in and realized God digs in even more, not to harm me or my "self" but to help me find my true self that is truly devoted to His call and cannot rest until that call is realized that I have begun letting go. I certainly see myself within it, but it is not the same restless self. It is the self that knows, the one that is connected to His spirit, that He will make it happen if I just remove myself from the determination to "make it happen".
In Psalm 37:4 the Psalmist said “Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” If we are passionate about God, we can trust our passions. It is when we are determined to have our way, that His way cannot be realized. We are held back. We are limited. Following God knows no limits. Even though I have been a slow learner, I feel I am now on the fast track and my head space has advanced despite my physical place. I can tell you as one who feared, there is nothing to fear. The anticipation of the goal realized has taken on a new excitement. There is also a fresh assurance. We do not have to fear that our heart's desire is in contrast to God's heart. Through a surrendered life comes a sense of urgency for your purpose. Under these circumstances, that purpose will be in direct alignment with His heart and therefore it is trustworthy. You will feel a freedom as you release yourself and let Him control the steps He has already ordained. The path is different for each of us, but the destination is the same: defined self, redefined mission, purpose-filled destination. Abandon yourself to the process and do not look back...the crossroads are right in front of you...take the step and feel the freedom in your soul. It may not look like you expected, but what you expected never looked so good!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A New Decade of Hope
I expect it is safe to say that we all have challenges we are hoping to put behind us as not only a new year, but a new decade is upon us. While it is always exciting dealing with anticipation of new possibilities, it is important to not forget where we have come from...what those challenges in our lives have created for us as well as revealed in us so that we can learn, grow and offer more than we would have been able to otherwise.
When I reflect, and reflecting on a decade, especially during this stage of my life, encompassing a wide range of experiences, I realize I have grown from and through each of them. I began as a still "enamored by love" wife, an energetic young mother and a child that was still residing within, attempting to make sense of the new responsibilities while confronting the old demons that were always there...or so it seemed. I ended this decade as a steadfast wife, committed to my husband, not just because of duty, but respect for the man he has become (and the man he was impressed me enough to marry him), a confident mother in a family that collided, with an ability to see each child's heart, insecurities and strengths that enable me to direct and dictate the pace for each as they find their place within the world and begin to apply their uniqueness into niches that exist...hopefully for the purpose of making this world a place where hope still exists and leaders still lead, to bring those who lack hope and purpose, inspiration and direction.
Somewhere along the way, I realized, as I transitioned from my determined and optimistic self, that we all have within us an energy that supercedes our ability to eminate enjoyable life and it simply enables us to live. When our hearts are in turmoil, and there is nowhere to run and no escape route, we are forced to turn inward and hopefully upward, for the wisdom that only a Creator of our soul is capable of sustaining and sprinkling with hope. There is no way we could attain this perspective...one that reveals life where there has been fresh and unending death.
In my life, and I am sure any of you can identify with this as it is relative to each of our own life experiences, my new husband was no longer available to me the way he had been and I had expected. He was caught in a hell that he was determined to find a way out of and I was determined to have him come back into reality as a hope and voice for others suffering. At the time, I didn't realize that when he came back, he would not be who he once was. My once "enamored by love" self would have to see through a new lens of hope if I was going to be able to continue the journey alongside him with a fresh perspective that was going to be of even more value, but not to myself as I had once anticipated, but to others as I soon learned that was where a life well lived would ultimately find its value.
The very hope that I had in him (Danny) for completing me, had to be understood so that I could trust in the One (Jesus) who wanted me to be satisfied by Him, the lover of my soul, and not a man who could not possibly provide the soul satisfaction that every human desires.
As purpose is born, perspective is as well. When we align our purpose with God's agenda, it isn't hard to find that satisfaction. It comes to us automatically. It is as if someone turned on the water and an empty spring was filled. My existence has elements of emptiness riddled within the pages and yet God has enabled further painful experiences to bring hope and healing into my life and now I can see that there are glimpses for me that this will manifest in even greater ways into the lives of others than had I not had that pain of rejection and heartache of loneliness and isolation. The difference is, and it wasn't this way until I surrendered my will, not only am I healing, but I am hoping in an even greater way than before, not of what I had "seen" in my own mind's eye for how I thought my life would best reflect my goals, but now I see through God's eyes, and wait as He directs my steps with each opportunity that comes my way. The opportunities would not be there if it were based on my desires in the same way because they would be self-gratifying which is never sustaining or fulfilling at a heart level. "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4
Even as parents, we begin our journey with an expectation of how we will raise our children, how they will respond as we do, and how our family will reflect our values and priorities. It seems that we can package this nicely and precisely and the result will be predictable. Once again, my life's example may be more extreme than most, but it is still reflective of the fact that regardless of our determination, effort and expectations, life does not cooperate with our intentions. While I initially thought this to be a cruel reality, I now realize that it is precisely what is necessary for the life well-lived. I was listening to JK Rowling in a clip to the graduating class at Harvard and she said this: "So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. I was set free because my greatest fear had been realized and I was still alive...and still had a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all."
While the circumstances of her life are dramatically different than my own, her words resonated with what has been learned through my own dashed expectations. And this is where I find myself...between rock bottom and hope. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5.
She concluded her thought with this: "We speak about success all the time but failure doesn't get spoken about enough. Everyone involved in Harry Potter has experienced failure. While I do not want to romaniticize failure, rock bottom is liberating."
So regardless of what type of failure we have experienced in the past decade of this life, do not be held back and crippled or worse yet, paralyzed by it. Allow it to be your building block of hope. Do not let the past dictate your future, unless it liberates your senses to experience the desire within each of us to experience a life well lived. That life can only be lived well with purpose and hope and releasing ourselves to the process of pain which is used for the purpose of healing the wounds that debilitate our hopes. Do not let what you have experienced hold you back, allow it to enable you to apperate your soul for the potential to bloom among the thorns of your life for the purpose that exists beyond this life.
When I reflect, and reflecting on a decade, especially during this stage of my life, encompassing a wide range of experiences, I realize I have grown from and through each of them. I began as a still "enamored by love" wife, an energetic young mother and a child that was still residing within, attempting to make sense of the new responsibilities while confronting the old demons that were always there...or so it seemed. I ended this decade as a steadfast wife, committed to my husband, not just because of duty, but respect for the man he has become (and the man he was impressed me enough to marry him), a confident mother in a family that collided, with an ability to see each child's heart, insecurities and strengths that enable me to direct and dictate the pace for each as they find their place within the world and begin to apply their uniqueness into niches that exist...hopefully for the purpose of making this world a place where hope still exists and leaders still lead, to bring those who lack hope and purpose, inspiration and direction.
Somewhere along the way, I realized, as I transitioned from my determined and optimistic self, that we all have within us an energy that supercedes our ability to eminate enjoyable life and it simply enables us to live. When our hearts are in turmoil, and there is nowhere to run and no escape route, we are forced to turn inward and hopefully upward, for the wisdom that only a Creator of our soul is capable of sustaining and sprinkling with hope. There is no way we could attain this perspective...one that reveals life where there has been fresh and unending death.
In my life, and I am sure any of you can identify with this as it is relative to each of our own life experiences, my new husband was no longer available to me the way he had been and I had expected. He was caught in a hell that he was determined to find a way out of and I was determined to have him come back into reality as a hope and voice for others suffering. At the time, I didn't realize that when he came back, he would not be who he once was. My once "enamored by love" self would have to see through a new lens of hope if I was going to be able to continue the journey alongside him with a fresh perspective that was going to be of even more value, but not to myself as I had once anticipated, but to others as I soon learned that was where a life well lived would ultimately find its value.
The very hope that I had in him (Danny) for completing me, had to be understood so that I could trust in the One (Jesus) who wanted me to be satisfied by Him, the lover of my soul, and not a man who could not possibly provide the soul satisfaction that every human desires.
As purpose is born, perspective is as well. When we align our purpose with God's agenda, it isn't hard to find that satisfaction. It comes to us automatically. It is as if someone turned on the water and an empty spring was filled. My existence has elements of emptiness riddled within the pages and yet God has enabled further painful experiences to bring hope and healing into my life and now I can see that there are glimpses for me that this will manifest in even greater ways into the lives of others than had I not had that pain of rejection and heartache of loneliness and isolation. The difference is, and it wasn't this way until I surrendered my will, not only am I healing, but I am hoping in an even greater way than before, not of what I had "seen" in my own mind's eye for how I thought my life would best reflect my goals, but now I see through God's eyes, and wait as He directs my steps with each opportunity that comes my way. The opportunities would not be there if it were based on my desires in the same way because they would be self-gratifying which is never sustaining or fulfilling at a heart level. "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4
Even as parents, we begin our journey with an expectation of how we will raise our children, how they will respond as we do, and how our family will reflect our values and priorities. It seems that we can package this nicely and precisely and the result will be predictable. Once again, my life's example may be more extreme than most, but it is still reflective of the fact that regardless of our determination, effort and expectations, life does not cooperate with our intentions. While I initially thought this to be a cruel reality, I now realize that it is precisely what is necessary for the life well-lived. I was listening to JK Rowling in a clip to the graduating class at Harvard and she said this: "So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. I was set free because my greatest fear had been realized and I was still alive...and still had a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all."
While the circumstances of her life are dramatically different than my own, her words resonated with what has been learned through my own dashed expectations. And this is where I find myself...between rock bottom and hope. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5.
She concluded her thought with this: "We speak about success all the time but failure doesn't get spoken about enough. Everyone involved in Harry Potter has experienced failure. While I do not want to romaniticize failure, rock bottom is liberating."
So regardless of what type of failure we have experienced in the past decade of this life, do not be held back and crippled or worse yet, paralyzed by it. Allow it to be your building block of hope. Do not let the past dictate your future, unless it liberates your senses to experience the desire within each of us to experience a life well lived. That life can only be lived well with purpose and hope and releasing ourselves to the process of pain which is used for the purpose of healing the wounds that debilitate our hopes. Do not let what you have experienced hold you back, allow it to enable you to apperate your soul for the potential to bloom among the thorns of your life for the purpose that exists beyond this life.
Friday, December 24, 2010
A Christmas Gift For My Dad
What do I give you? You never want anything and grumble when I buy you something...or, as is the case this year, just being financially squeezed to the point where I know you would be disappointed if I even made an attempt to give you a present? I think about the alternative and realize that the ONLY gift I can give you is something that I think of daily but do not find the words or the "right" time to say: My life is blessed because you are in it. When Mom married you I had never known any dad that I could claim as mine. Consequently, my desire for a dad was great, but my understanding of a dad's role was intimidating to me since I only knew the affection of my mom and grandparents. As I reflect on who you were at that time to me: you represented security. You gave me a life I could only dream of. I was used to chicken 4 nights a week because it was inexpensive, cutting coupons, used cars that were always littered with newspapers and driven by Papap who I spent most of my drive time with and ironically enough, since that was all I knew, it wasn't until I was living in the new reality that you had created for us that I realized I could dream even bigger. I began to realize that the lonliness of my childhood was being filled with opportunities that led me toward a future that didn't have to look gloomy as the days that I sat waiting for my mom who never seemed to be there for me in the way that I longed for. I could now hope for more in life rather than be limited by life.
I realize that I very well may have worked even harder to have opportunities as I got older, but the opportunities that you created for me were gifts that I am so thankful for. Perhaps that is why I desire to indulge my children in opportunity. Our life's paradigm is one we can choose to create, but it is also one we can be gifted with and when we recognize the gift, we can appreciate not only who we are, but who we have the opportunity to become. You know the desire of my heart is never to forget where I came from as my core values were created out of little else but my Papap's determination to point me toward God and His truth and yet as I have been exposed to more because of your gifts in the form of opportunity and trust in my judgment that gave me more freedom and my heart's desires have increased to a greater scope of purpose beyond survival to purpose.
While I find myself challenged as a mother of 5 children, all of them intentionally being raised to be independent as well as leaders equipped with an understanding of the human condition, I also believe my determination to further indulge them in opportunity was planted within me through you. You may not realize that your generosity has revealed that to me, but I have given much thought to this: How could I come from where I began and be overwhelmed with challenges and yet still determined to expect and trust God for His provisions (which come not just through opportunities, but through people) as I am waiting for His next prompt for our next step in my own life as well as my children's futures?
There are promises that God has given to me that keep me encouraged through the difficult times of this season of my life and my ability to realize that God desires to give good things to His children (aside from the fact that the Bible says so) in a practical way is because I have experienced you doing this for me. Had you not been in my life I would not have been able to connect with this possibility. The absence of a father would have left me empty and disbelieving in how much our Father in heaven desires to give good things to His children. "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11. God brought me a perfect compliment to my personality with patience for my urges, an ability to see beyond the wounds of my childhood to my heart with desire and determination to live life with passion and purpose, and a steadfast support that still to this day keeps me.
There is no better time to tell you this. While Jesus was born into this world in order to be offered to us for the sacrifice for our own weaknesses, God has allowed me to see that He has given you to me so that I can accept the gift of opportunity you have given to me so that I could aspire to become more than I would have been able to without you. This Christmas I am blessed to share this part of my understanding of your role in my life. It is never overlooked or underappreciated.
Merry Christmas to the Greatest Dad any girl could ever have asked for! I love you!!!
I realize that I very well may have worked even harder to have opportunities as I got older, but the opportunities that you created for me were gifts that I am so thankful for. Perhaps that is why I desire to indulge my children in opportunity. Our life's paradigm is one we can choose to create, but it is also one we can be gifted with and when we recognize the gift, we can appreciate not only who we are, but who we have the opportunity to become. You know the desire of my heart is never to forget where I came from as my core values were created out of little else but my Papap's determination to point me toward God and His truth and yet as I have been exposed to more because of your gifts in the form of opportunity and trust in my judgment that gave me more freedom and my heart's desires have increased to a greater scope of purpose beyond survival to purpose.
While I find myself challenged as a mother of 5 children, all of them intentionally being raised to be independent as well as leaders equipped with an understanding of the human condition, I also believe my determination to further indulge them in opportunity was planted within me through you. You may not realize that your generosity has revealed that to me, but I have given much thought to this: How could I come from where I began and be overwhelmed with challenges and yet still determined to expect and trust God for His provisions (which come not just through opportunities, but through people) as I am waiting for His next prompt for our next step in my own life as well as my children's futures?
There are promises that God has given to me that keep me encouraged through the difficult times of this season of my life and my ability to realize that God desires to give good things to His children (aside from the fact that the Bible says so) in a practical way is because I have experienced you doing this for me. Had you not been in my life I would not have been able to connect with this possibility. The absence of a father would have left me empty and disbelieving in how much our Father in heaven desires to give good things to His children. "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11. God brought me a perfect compliment to my personality with patience for my urges, an ability to see beyond the wounds of my childhood to my heart with desire and determination to live life with passion and purpose, and a steadfast support that still to this day keeps me.
There is no better time to tell you this. While Jesus was born into this world in order to be offered to us for the sacrifice for our own weaknesses, God has allowed me to see that He has given you to me so that I can accept the gift of opportunity you have given to me so that I could aspire to become more than I would have been able to without you. This Christmas I am blessed to share this part of my understanding of your role in my life. It is never overlooked or underappreciated.
Merry Christmas to the Greatest Dad any girl could ever have asked for! I love you!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas Reflections
As most people know, and either connectedly or absently celebrate Christmas, it is about the birth of "The Christ Child". As SAFE as that term may be when reading about or considering the impact of Christmas, is it NOT one, in my opinion, that allows Jesus the role of Lord and Savior. To me, that phrase feels distant.
When we celebrate, we commemorate an event. That means that the event has earned a rite to be significant. How is it that so much of our culture celebrates Christmas, but does not allow Jesus the role of Lord? Not only is this the norm, but additionally, the focus has become (for children and the parents that endorse fantasy over reality), Santa, flying reindeer, elves and other fictitious conjecture all the while not acknowledging Jesus as being born into this world, for the sole purpose of saving mankind from himself...the inherent sin that is within each one of us...so that we can spend eternity in paradise with The One who created us rather than eternally separated from His love and hope and His intention for the children He created for the purpose of loving Him back? That is a very long sentence...perhaps even a run on, but it wraps my whole theme into one or two concise lines filled with words that tug at my heart....and if it tugs at my heart, what must it do to our Heavenly Father's?
He is our Daddy. He desires a relationship with what He has created. Our lives have pushed Him out and replaced Him with not only the distractions of life, but the fake figures that have robbed him of His rightful role on this planet. The word sad comes to mind. So does appalling. I believe God to be merciful because the word of God says He is. Therefore He understands our plight that pushes and pulls us away from Him. No matter. When we take the time to be honest with ourselves, I also believe we can relate to the ways that life gets in the way...the very life that He has allowed us to have. Every breath we take is given and appropriated. If we can take the time to become introspective I think we can all admit what it is that we have allowed to replace Him.
I am so grateful that learning to love Him in a way that satisfies Him is not about my performance. If it were, I would have failed miserably from the start. I am glad that I do not have to be immersed in His word every day or have the politically correct response in every situation so as to not cause another to stumble because they found me in some way to be offensive. I have learned that as this world goes around, there are various people, personalities, opportunities, subjects, passions, needs, etc. that bring our disfunctional selves to places where He uses us. I have also found that in those places and spaces in time I have become satisfied. I do not stop being me because I am surrendered to Him, but I become a more content me. My purpose becomes more clear, my frustration less, my hope more evident, my love more genuine.
I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and found that I could not do that without revealing who I am as well as who I am becoming as God allows me to be worked over. While being tested I want to be proven worthy of being useful. Not because of what I am lacking, but because of what He is equipping me with and for. Where I used to find myself pushing forward out of holes in my soul or obligation, I now find myself looking back and realizing that it is through the holes that He has used what He has allowed or chosen for me to become satisfied. He filled holes with loss. He filled holes with hope. He filled holes with determination...and that is where I find myself...determined to be useful, so that I can honor His call, not just as a wife and mother, but also for others who find themselves where I have found myself...frustrated with circumstances (one after another) in which I was forced to action that pushed me and pulled me to dig deep and try harder and as I examined myself there, I didn't feel the peace that I knew God has reserved for those who trust Him and accept challenges with open hands and arms.
This Christmas, remember who He is: THE SAVIOR, IMMANUEL (GOD WITH US), KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORDS! If any of these words resonate with you, ask Him to show you Himself. That will translate into different realities for each of us. One thing I can say for sure: you will not be disappointed or sorry. You will be invigorated. You will be satisfied. Your soul will be satisfied. He will be honored. Honor Him. He is so worthy of our praise.
Merry Christmas!
When we celebrate, we commemorate an event. That means that the event has earned a rite to be significant. How is it that so much of our culture celebrates Christmas, but does not allow Jesus the role of Lord? Not only is this the norm, but additionally, the focus has become (for children and the parents that endorse fantasy over reality), Santa, flying reindeer, elves and other fictitious conjecture all the while not acknowledging Jesus as being born into this world, for the sole purpose of saving mankind from himself...the inherent sin that is within each one of us...so that we can spend eternity in paradise with The One who created us rather than eternally separated from His love and hope and His intention for the children He created for the purpose of loving Him back? That is a very long sentence...perhaps even a run on, but it wraps my whole theme into one or two concise lines filled with words that tug at my heart....and if it tugs at my heart, what must it do to our Heavenly Father's?
He is our Daddy. He desires a relationship with what He has created. Our lives have pushed Him out and replaced Him with not only the distractions of life, but the fake figures that have robbed him of His rightful role on this planet. The word sad comes to mind. So does appalling. I believe God to be merciful because the word of God says He is. Therefore He understands our plight that pushes and pulls us away from Him. No matter. When we take the time to be honest with ourselves, I also believe we can relate to the ways that life gets in the way...the very life that He has allowed us to have. Every breath we take is given and appropriated. If we can take the time to become introspective I think we can all admit what it is that we have allowed to replace Him.
I am so grateful that learning to love Him in a way that satisfies Him is not about my performance. If it were, I would have failed miserably from the start. I am glad that I do not have to be immersed in His word every day or have the politically correct response in every situation so as to not cause another to stumble because they found me in some way to be offensive. I have learned that as this world goes around, there are various people, personalities, opportunities, subjects, passions, needs, etc. that bring our disfunctional selves to places where He uses us. I have also found that in those places and spaces in time I have become satisfied. I do not stop being me because I am surrendered to Him, but I become a more content me. My purpose becomes more clear, my frustration less, my hope more evident, my love more genuine.
I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and found that I could not do that without revealing who I am as well as who I am becoming as God allows me to be worked over. While being tested I want to be proven worthy of being useful. Not because of what I am lacking, but because of what He is equipping me with and for. Where I used to find myself pushing forward out of holes in my soul or obligation, I now find myself looking back and realizing that it is through the holes that He has used what He has allowed or chosen for me to become satisfied. He filled holes with loss. He filled holes with hope. He filled holes with determination...and that is where I find myself...determined to be useful, so that I can honor His call, not just as a wife and mother, but also for others who find themselves where I have found myself...frustrated with circumstances (one after another) in which I was forced to action that pushed me and pulled me to dig deep and try harder and as I examined myself there, I didn't feel the peace that I knew God has reserved for those who trust Him and accept challenges with open hands and arms.
This Christmas, remember who He is: THE SAVIOR, IMMANUEL (GOD WITH US), KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORDS! If any of these words resonate with you, ask Him to show you Himself. That will translate into different realities for each of us. One thing I can say for sure: you will not be disappointed or sorry. You will be invigorated. You will be satisfied. Your soul will be satisfied. He will be honored. Honor Him. He is so worthy of our praise.
Merry Christmas!
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