SACRIFICES OF THE HEART

I am about to transition again in life.  I feel a new chapter opening.  I also feel an old one closing.  I have been here before but under different circumstances.  This is the first time I am anticipating such a life change.  The first few I never could have seen coming.  The first that had such a life-altering course attached to it as an adult was when my husband became sick and I hardly recognized the familiar things about our relationship.  The second was when Dylan and Olivia came into our life and I ONLY recognized the familiar things...and now, as my first born goes off to follow his dream of being the best he can be as a downhill ski racer, I am in a mode of anticipating a different kind of loss.

I have always believed that raising kids was a purposeful role in life that was not chosen, but selected.  Who God gives us to be "our own" are so far from what we can imagine, but yet, I am convinced exactly what we need.  I can see within the pages of my life with 5 children that there is a unique blend of personalities, most that are not complimentary to the others in so many ways all the while each being absolutely perfectly matched.  DNA is the most fascinating component and weighs heavier than I ever would have believed before being a mom.  I often say that Danny and I procreating was not a good decision, but I also know that when these years are over I will miss them ;)  I was lonely during my own childhood, and always said I wanted 5 children...and here I am, overwhelmed most days and overjoyed during my reflections.

Intentionally speaking, when watching your child's interests take shape, there is something that just satisfies them.  It drives them beyond what your pushing them toward something ever could.  I knew I would not be a parent that would force my child to do something that they didn't want to do other than eating their broccoli or brushing their teeth or doing their chores, but when Daniel began to be noticeably more content in the winter and spend more time on his skis than any other kid in the house, I took notice.  I thought back to the time when Dylan and Olivia were coming into our lives.  The window of reality broke over my heart when I realized what I lost (Lisa) and was anticipating what I was gaining (her children). The fear that moved my heart to ask God how it would affect Daniel was immediately answered with a knowing that came with no explanation needed:  "Not only will I do great things THROUGH Daniel, I will do great things FOR Daniel."  The beat I never missed until that moment, resumed.

Life takes bittersweet moments and turns them into unexplainable realities.  The depth of our souls are developed during adversity.  What we learn about God, ourselves and our dreams and why they exist would not be able to be realized if we weren't called into these chasms of chaos and crisis.  The birthing of beauty occurs during the burning of ashes.  In order to move to higher places of impact, we must focus on embracing the challenges and realizing that we are meant to become more, give more and choose more for a purpose that speaks more.

I have been waking up during the night and thinking about Daniel leaving.  During the day I think of it with excitement for him being able to do with his life at such a young age what I never knew existed but during the night I feel lost.  As much as he challenges me, he satisfies me.  I also remind myself that since he has known he is leaving to pursue his dream, he has been satisfied.  He has began training, feeding himself accordingly and all without reminders of making good choices as he is "creating cells" based upon the choices he makes.  He has embraced 100% my husband's coaching and I am not chasing him from pillar to post as he is searching for himself...there is unexplainable satisfaction in the result of him finding himself.

This experience, yet again, reminds me of this being analogous to every other challenging season I have found myself within.  We are called to dig deep, sacrifice and trust God with the outcome.  As I do this with my eyes wide open and my heart laid bare, I walk another road of my journey that reminds me that the more I sacrifice, the bigger God becomes to me and the more I trust Him and expect from Him.