When Are We Faithful?

It is time, one week after the scariest experience of my life as a parent…and it didn't take long to know that writing through yet another challenge reminds me of just how much God surrounds us when we are hurting.  We are settling in to a temporary reality that is littered with disappointment and gratitude and setbacks and hope.  And let's not forget pain…at every level.  It is hard to watch but being mindful of being able to view from a front row with a future in tact means more than the circumstances ever could.  I am beginning to see that theme of juxtaposition in the life we live.

Each child takes a journey and as much as we lead it, we really have very little control over it.  I believe  the greatest value we offer as parents is pointing our children to The One who created their lives for a purpose beyond their understanding but not beyond their desires.

Izik is a child much like my husband with a compassionate heart that is filled with determination but also with a huge emphasis on enjoyment that fills his inner self and which drives him toward his goals which have to be focused upon his loves and the investment he makes into those things that drive him.
Knowing that this child is incapable of anything but those innate understandings (especially as I have watched closely my husband's journey), reminds me that all the pieces are being assembled for his own story.  A story…a test…a testimony.  We all have to consider those stories.  It creates our character and more often remakes it.  We learn that whatever we hoped for or expected is ok to be delayed or possibly even destroyed at times so that it can be rebuilt and reconstructed into a greater story.  With the right attitude and fortitude, we can find our greatest victories and successes come out of the adversities of our lives.

When Izik hit the tree at 40 mph on his skis, he knew that Jesus was who he needed to cry out to as he was spitting up blood and unable to breathe, thinking he may die.  And that is exactly what he did…he asked God to be with him…he used it as an opportunity to seal the deal with Jesus.  How comforting to know that my God is his God and one of my greatest burdens for him lifted…at least the one that matters more than any other…his soul's eternal destination.

Walking out the path that is laid, whether due to our own choices or the choices others make for us, is not usually one we care to take a second time nor would we ever choose it, but our future becomes directly patterned as a result.

Watching a child suffer is beyond my desire, but watching a child grow in his own perfect path to bring about God's purpose and his own peace within it is unmatchable to any other experience I can have as a parent.  There is no hope without suffering and there is no victory without defeat.  I always say I am raising leaders…now I believe I will say I am raising champions.  According to Mike Thompson, CEO of SVI (an organizational development company) 10 differences are suggested between the two.  After realizing those differences, I realize how much more appropriate my parenting goals are with the term champion:

 1. Champions are personally grounded through values; Leaders can be situational.
 2. Champions influence through love; Leaders can influence through power.
 3. Champions pursue mutual value; Leaders can be self-serving.
 4. Champions drive transformation; Leaders drive transaction.
 5. Champions embrace the mission; Leaders embrace the role.
 6. Champions are operational and visionary; Leaders are one or the other.
 7. Champions aren't defined by circumstance: Leaders are limited by circumstance.
 8. Champions are emotional; Leaders are guarded.
 9. Champions are curious system thinkers; Leaders can be linear thinkers.
10.Champions are fully present in every moment; Leaders can be consummate multi-taskers.

When God says:
I have posted watchmen on your walls, Jerusalem; they will never be silent day or night. You who call on the LORD, give yourselves no rest, ~Isaiah 62:6

BELIEVE HIM!!!

While his fragile body endured the impact and pain of the injury, it is now enduring the pain of restoration.  Each day has brought about a reminder of just how much God really did protect him.  While his injuries are not visible they are real just the same.  As I was shown the trees…only 2 side by side…in a barren space, I think of God in the expanse of our lives…and realize once again it is just us and Him, and while we have others who we walk with, we really only have Him who we can trust to protect us and lead us and redeem us.  It always happens for a purpose...His purpose.  I have never taken that trust lightly and will never dismiss its significance.  He saved my son in more ways than one…and He has purpose within it that we will both learn even as he heals.  Embracing the difficulties allows room for the victories with the proper attitude to receive them.

I love seeing winners…but the winners that matter the most are the ones who win in life and become victorious as they overcome their obstacles, oftentimes those obstacles are between their ears as they flush out the defeat and make room for the champion that lives inside each of us.  With God on our side, we win every time.



I could speak this over and over in my life and I know if those of us who trust Him, truly trust Him…we could believe there is so much behind the scenes we do not know or understand, but it brings about a most beautifully written story of hope and redemption….
~Psalm 124:  “If the Lord had not been on our side—let Israel say—if the Lord had not been on our side when men attacked us, when their anger flared against us, they would have swallowed us alive; the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, the raging waters would have swept us away. Praise be to the Lord, who has not let us be torn by their teeth. We have escaped like a bird out of the fowler’s snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped. Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I know there will never be a day when I do not not take the time to think upon challenges as well as blessings in life.  As I grow up, I realize much of my growth was stunted by fear and circumstances that I could not process congruently from heart to head.  There are seasons for growth  that usually accompany seasons for change and sometimes when we are adjusting to the changes we often disconnect from the significance of the growth.  It isn't until we are in a position to reflect that we can coordinate the two and reconcile the significance.

I joined my boys in Copper Mountain CO this Thanksgiving as they are all training at a camp that I "MISTAKENLY" put Daniel on a plane ALONE to come to when he was just 12 years old.  I remember being sent a link from one of the mother's on Daniel's ski team and I must have clicked on a link connected to that site and registered him for the "wrong" one…but I didn't find this out until Daniel was on his way and he called me from a layover and told me he wasn't sure where he was going, but all of his teammates were going to a different camp.  A flash of panic passed over me and then I quickly told him apparently God had another plan for him.  I had spoken to the coordinator of the family run camp who had made quite a name for themselves many years ago with a story to match.  They had come here from Czechoslovakia and in order to make a living they ski raced.  I have heard that they lived in their van when they first began pursuing their dreams.  They worked extremely hard and won races and began to build their new roots and profession in America.  The matriarch of the family cooks home cooked meals for the kids during the camps and they are strict and unified and responsible for their racers.  The patriarch of this family is one of Izik's favorite people on the planet and all of their children teach during the camps…they are all decorated ski racers and many of them world cup athletes.  It is no wonder I was drawn to this family as I am always drawn to those who had to face the odds and overcome triumphantly and for a greater purpose.

Within a few years Izik began joining Daniel and traveling across the country and now living in the west, Danny drove the boys here (including Simon who is attending his first camp and loving it) and my husband is hooked himself on the training (and participating each and every day ;), the family and the opportunity that our kids have pursuing their interests as they are developing far more than racing skills within this experience each and every time.

When I pulled in to this place many visions and thoughts I have had over the past few years crystallized for me and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for God's work behind the scenes.  Maybe it hit me because of the sacrifices we had to make to enable it, perhaps it was because I realized how God is always at work and we often cannot fully comprehend just what his provisions produce, or it is even possible that it is being in touch with the struggles of life, heart's desires, disappointments and victories and everything in between but not ONE thing in the life of one who trusts in Him is wasted or not counted within His heart and when the manifestation of that is realized, the depth of gratitude is overwhelming.  

I have a saying:  God does not waste our pain.  While our journeys often cause such confusion, contemplation and sometimes even contempt, our KNOWING of our God's character even in our UNKNOWING of the outcome, can comfort us as He loves us and sees us in our sadness, He travels with us through our darkness and He shines on us as he reestablishes us within our purpose.  

I couldn't sit here this morning, surrounded by the majestic mountains, and not be in awe of such a God.  Sometime perspective is the most difficult virtue to embrace in the midst of our adversity but the reflective heart is born just there.  When we embrace the emotion of our difficulties and bring them captive to our Lord, ask for Him to illuminate their purpose and significance, we WILL reap their reassembled creation by the Maker's hand.  

May this Thanksgiving release a beauty from your ashes that you may never have considered had you not taken the time to reflect and absorb our God's love for His children.

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.   

~1 Thessalonians 5:18

Squeezed By And Squeezing Life

Have you ever struggled to get quiet before God?  If your personality is anything like mine, getting quiet is quite difficult.  Add 5 kids, a demanding life and challenging dynamics to the mix and it is no wonder that solitude doesn't seem to match with my personality.

I remind myself that God doesn't make mistakes and He brings things into our life so that we can learn from them and more about Him.

I have been in a healing crisis in my life for what seems like an eternity.   Healing isn't easy, it is often occurring when life is least exciting and for me, still finding time to enjoy the things and those I value within it is always of utmost focus.

I have learned so many things through various circumstances not only in my life but also in the lives of others, and now I am laser focused on going back to a root cause for many of the challenges I have.  I am trusting God for His headship in leading me to and through.  I attend a small trauma therapy group in which all have suffered some incredible disappointments due to unmet expectations.  They are all unique.  My battle began as an infant… and due to parenting that didn't show up in a way that nurtured me for the life I have been called to so that I could receive challenges with grace, this is something that I need help with and a mindset that matches what I know about myself in my relationship with God.  I believed I have received many of my challenges without self-pity (for the most part) and I am fairly confident of that because I was raised within a household with enough self-pity to go around that I made up my unconscious mind long ago not to travel that repulsive and most disappointing road.   There is always someone or something that can be considered to be the reason for our disappointments, but that doesn't mean we have an excuse to embrace it and act out of the wound it has created.  The most enlightening aspect of my counseling came through this group not long ago when I learned that we all have a framework built inside of each of us and when what comes at us doesn't make sense, we have no choice but to build a new grid in order to cope with those disappointments.  With enough of these disappointments and new mappings, we grow inept at many of the challenges within our life.  It happens to all of us one way or another.  Learning that removed my guilt.  It enabled me to understand that God isn't mad at me for not being all I desire to be but struggle to live up to.  HE KNOWS what has happened in our lives that prevented it from ever being possible but He also desires to put me back together…better than before.  Those adults that failed us are just like us…incapable,  due to their own brokenness.  This is one big broken world, Thank God He gave us Jesus!

When I learned that I had long since reached a point where I realized that God was up to something and it is beyond my understanding but certainly not beyond my involvement and while He has provided me with many things that I am naturally inclined toward, He has also left me depleted enough to force me to seek Him for the answers and direction as well as the perspective required to make it great!  Good is never enough for me…GREAT is where I want to be, impact, achieve and experience!

Being in this group has quickly taught me that most people living life have been traumatized but too few are able to look at it for what it is and grieve the sorrow connected with it and then MOVE ON…God has a plan, He allowed the pain, He chose the door to let us out as well as the LIFE to be lived that absolutely can be lived with such effectiveness (when we allow it to be) once we release ourselves from that bondage.

There is no path that is perfect, there is no thought process within that path that is traveled with absolute certainty or confidence, but there is a God in Heaven and His Name Is Jesus and I am here to bear witness that some things in life absolutely CANNOT be explained away…whether good or bad…with reason or none at all.

Faith is built during those times.  Life is restructured, confidence is even restored.

I chose to fast this weekend with a semi-quiet house with a few kids beginning their ski season away from home and their dad with them.  I am praying for time to write, time to think, time to reflect (better than thinking for me), and time to read.  Most importantly I am praying for time to remind God just how much I depend upon Him.  When all else fails, and it does and it will, what is there for us if it is not Him?   Sometimes He wants nothing more from us than total dependence (I actually believe He wants that from us always but He reminds us of it when we feel overwhelmed by life or simply all too aware).

Half way through my 4 day fast and I am thankful for the scene in my room right now…2 sleeping kitties and my dog on my bed :)

I am determined to pester God for healing of this wounded soul, and my disappointed child that still lives inside but simultaneously I am a proud wife and mother who has been called to a life of service, something that I am not great at as I never saw nor experienced it in practice and all that is accomplished in a day is already beyond my framework.  Nonetheless I am determined to offer more, to live from plenty and not from lack.

Whatever it is that you desire God to show up for on your behalf, remember that it will not happen unless you bring Him into it.  Pray it in, fast it in, cry it out and thank Him for ALL He gives…HE IS JEHOVAH RAPHA (The God That Heals).

Psalm 61: The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

I find it never coincidental when God is working and how He works.  When His work is effective (and it always is), then we have to lay it down…all of it and TRUST Him.  So when you think about the purpose and focus of Your Thanksgiving, remember that there is NO Thankfulness without hardships or less than moments.  These are what brings our posture of surrender and praise to Him.  This is what enables us to lay our burdens at the foot of the cross and simply call His name and ask for His touch…the Only One that truly heals.  I believe that when we do this, truly reliant upon Him and Him alone, miracles happen!

LEARNING AND HEALING

Has anyone ever stopped and contemplated the concept?  In light of challenge, LEARNING is a word loaded with meaning.  I am not sure LEARNING can be separated from challenge...isn't that what we are while we are doing it?  The more significant aspect of the process is how active we become within it and how much we can let go of prior expectations in order to attain our next level of living.  Isn't that also true of LEARNING?  I think I need to settle in to this thought.  I have been digging at a lot of painful realities in my life and I can honestly say that until recently I have been unaware/ignorant of the depth of my own pain and consequently unaware/ignorant that perhaps I wasn't in touch with how my reactions were affecting those around me when I wasn't happy with shattered expectations.

It is no secret that my life has been filled with shattered expectations and tremendous disappointment.  Some of those are more obvious than others but they have been occurring since I can remember...and even before I can remember. We can look at the surface of situations (including me) in our lives and deny.  We can deny that we are hurting or hurt.  We can deny that we are lost within what we should be thankful for and we can deny that there is a consequence for denying.  At some point we will hit a crisis or perhaps God will shine that proverbial light that calls our full attention away from ourselves and toward a new chapter...He calls us onward and upward...and it will be precisely at the appropriate time of His choosing.  I have LEARNED that too...we can't choose when that will be.  I am speaking from experience.  I have longed for God to equip me perfectly for the work He called me to do.  I was even so bold and confident within it to know I was created for it.  And yet, the deeper and further I was immersed within it, the more I LEARNED just how desperately I needed HIM to perform it.  I also LEARNED that what He desired to perform wasn't an accomplished task, but an accomplished me!

I have already LEARNED so much, and there are times when I would even say too much, and yet, because I hate self-pity, I will not even allow myself to think it.  One day, as God allows and continues to heal me, I believe I will have greater impact and be able to embrace it without the regret of what the pain has caused me.  Until then I keep trusting Him to heal the wounded places within my heart and shine the love that He gives me to the world...that is where I am as I know that I have nothing because I began with nothing.  Anything that comes through me that is beneficial is coming from Him for purposes beyond myself. 

I am also LEARNING that when my effort is surrendered,  I struggle.  I never LEARNED how to rest.  I never LEARNED that resting is an action word so I  I am in the place of LEARNING how to allow God to win the battle that fights with me but not for me.  Only His plans win, both with us and for us.  Of that, I have already LEARNED!  There is a cost to LEARNING.  It is an investment, both of our time and our resources.  We have to abandon our notions and adopt new ones...which are often in direct opposition to everything we have previously LEARNED.   

Sometimes there is nothing more that can be done other than to UNLEARN and RELEARN.  Being aware of needing to do so is the first step toward healing.

"Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance...."
~Proverbs 1:5

Pain Produced for Purpose

Broken places of the heart
Do not fit the role

They leave us withered and beaten
And they cause tremendous pain to our soul.

At times I begin to wonder
How does God have the patience to fix it all?

Isn't His effort needed for the process
Far beyond His redemption from The Fall?

Trusting Him alone becomes a place
I would prefer to enter and not return

Until the battle has been won
But not with the further wounding and the burns.

I know I believe the promise
I live it out each day

I may look and sound a little tattered
My loved ones barely understand

But my hope is in Him and not myself
And that is where I remain.

~Merily Pompa


Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.” ~Shannon Alder

Gifts From God Come Wrapped In Overlooked Packages

I have a beautiful dear friend whom I love with all my heart.  She is now 93.  I think of her often and my occasional calls to her are more often than not met with her answering machine.  Very rarely do I hear from her now, but when I do it always reminds me of heart connections and the little gifts from God in relationships that are the most meaningful of all.

She also loved my mom and came to know her well through me over the years.  Since our move I haven't spoken with her although I have tried so I have texted her granddaughter to be sure she is still planting and tending her flowers and living on her own because when those activities are not able to be part of her day I know the end is near...or I should say the beginning of her eternity with God.

I find myself wondering if I will speak to her again on this side of eternity and it makes me sad to think not.  Last night she was heavy on my heart and I desperately want to see her when I go home to visit and intended to track her down, so when my phone rang when I was barely out of bed this morning and I saw her name on the screen I knew God had given me one of those special gifts today.

I had to call her back as she didn't realize it was me actually answering the phone and I came to learn later she didn't even know who she was calling but dialing a number that was on her appointment book...one that she has used for many years to keep her client's information and appointment times in.
She was surprised but excited to know she called ME!!  Of course I was more excited because I had been wanting to talk to her and at 93 I realize any conversation we may have could be our last while on the Earth.

We quickly jumped in where we left off with the hurts of this world, the disappointments of those we expected more from, the failing economy, the destruction of Capitalism and the concerns of the preservation of The American Dream, and then we discussed the reality of when it all fades, disappoints, and fails, there is only one place where our confidence is never shaken and that is in our hope of all that God does in spite of it all...and of course in the anticipation of eternity that will surpass every conceivable expectation in a God who loves us and in whose sacrifice we trust.

She then told me that she woke up this morning from her dream and it was of her at the bedside of my mom when she was dying and her remembering how she consoled her just before her passing from death into life.  She told me that she couldn't believe she had dialed a number she didn't know and it was ME!

We made a plan to make a plan and I will either visit or we will go out to lunch soon but she reminded me that more importantly than our plans, our hearts are woven together and we have been through a lot together and that she has always wanted and believed the best for me and knows how difficult and hopeless my battles have seemed and yet God has brought us through with a deeper faith, a greater reward and a far greater purpose than we ever could of imagined.

And then she said something that made me chuckle despite the realization that at 93 with that type of call, I may not be hearing from her again, and that was that she is glad she dials numbers she doesn't know.

ME TOO, my sweet Theresa, ME TOO!!



“You will remember this when all else fades, this moment, here, together, by this well. There will be certain days, and certain nights, you’ll feel my presence near you, hear my voice. You’ll think you have imagined it and yet, inside you, you will catch an answering cry. On April evenings, when the rain has ceased, your heart will shake, you’ll weep for nothing, pine for what’s not there. For you, this life will never be enough, there will forever be an emptiness, where once the god was all in all in you.” 
― John Banville, The Infinities

Moms, Memories And Mothering

I was thinking that after almost 6 years without my mom on the planet, I may have another perspective about my mom...as my mom, meaning who God chose to mother ME.  As I have needed to become increasingly aware of how pain affects us, I have also learned that without our ability to understand or even process (sometimes for many years), we become who we are and even HOW we are as a result.  I also realized that it is not what we are when we begin that matters most, but how we finish our life's journey of purpose that matters most.

There is comfort in that for me as beginning this life as a young child, I remember being lonely above all else.  Other than lots of pets, a lot of unused land to distance me from a curious world,  a grandfather that over-indugled me with himself in an effort to stay clear of an over-worked wife, an absent mother who I knew loved me but didn't know how to love because she didn't experience true and committed love herself, I was a child of a divorced and single mom, and I only had one true friend all through elementary school who found her next best friend when we went to high school in 7th grade, I have finally begun to more clearly understand how it is the repeated disappointments in life that, while not intentional, leave us incomplete for ourselves...and others.

Learning how to leave the guilt for what you are, and why you are not all you thought you would be and RELAXING in the process as you become sanctified from the journey at the foot of the cross, are just a few of the challenges that I have begun working through with greater anticipation of God healing within my soul...finally and completely.

While each battle we are called to fight takes something from us that never returns, what and how God replaces "it" with Himself and His appointments and approvals are constant reminders of a faith that is being lived out and a God who lavishes mercy and purpose upon us.

I can especially relate to the challenges of circumstances that change everything about your life.  I have experienced life-altering events more than a few times, but if there is one struggle I have above every other, it is how to be the "substitute" mother to Dylan and Olivia.  While I have never desired to replace Lisa, I always knew that what God called me to was unique and going to be the greatest challenge of my life.

I didn't think about it,  I just jumped into it and allowed my faith to take over...after all, He put that mindset there too.   It was not and is not as if I am able to focus on that role independent of the others I am simultaneously immersed in and also often challenged by, but I had to and continue to adapt..and adapt quickly, but not always most effectively.  There are times when I also realize how God knew that.  He knew what I was, what I wasn't, who I was, and who I wasn't...and still He chose ME!

Nearly 10 years into this journey, I have become more dissatisfied with myself but more satisfied with Him.  I have let go of the expectations of others and continue to look for and find peace within the journey, that is lived out each day.  I have found that the most destructive thing I can do is listen to the voice inside...or even those outside.  Regardless of where it comes from, it is the voice of the father of lies that presents itself in the recesses of our heart that allows our wounds to be magnified...both to ourselves and then consequently to others.  We find ourselves sensing the disapproval of others as everyone has an opinion of how we should handle our challenges and how it should be perceived so that it is an instant blessing and  benefit to what God is up to in our lives.   If we embrace the opinions of others, we are left wondering why we are not "better" at  it and we get "stuck" there and consequently we often make excuses rather than try a new approach realizing that it is in new approaches (that are often created and recreated with new seasons of life and maturity) and we learn what He wants for our lives is NEVER easy to accomplish, but it is FILLED with blessing and favor and grace that sees us through and leaves us more satisfied than we ever would have imagined.  I have also learned that the key to the progress is accepting that we have no idea what we are doing...and trusting Him to lead us through it.

I am not nearly where I hope to be within my journey, but I am more aware, more surrendered, more thankful, more forgiving and more understanding that what God allows into our lives has purpose that will transcend all pain...and it always occurs in the areas of our lives that need the most healing.

Trusting Him at a level that began in my own life with depletion and lack early in life, eventually to what I thought was satisfaction with a solid marriage, to shattered expectations when Danny got sick and then when we gave up what our family was for what God chose our family to be, and loss once again through the malicious efforts leveled against us due to another's bitterness, anger and resentment, and now to living the promises of God on the other side of the pain with a completely new understanding of being satisfied and complete with a journey and even greater purpose still ahead.  The journey and the learning and the reality of God within it is absolutely indescribable.  It has allowed my faith to not only have feet but also wings.  I have believed God for many things, many times over, but what is on the other side of pain that robs your heart and steals your soul is absolutely without adequate words to articulate when your trust is ONLY in Him.

That is what I keep in mind when I struggle with daily challenges of what should come naturally...under normal circumstances.  I always said I didn't want to live a normal or average life and I now know why...I am not normal...or average and therefore to produce from me what God wanted, He had to take me through certain paths that stripped me of self and reminded me of my utter dependence upon Him and my need for Him as well as my reliance upon Him to carry us to our destination against all odds.

I know that as I continue my journey substituting for the loss of Lisa in Dylan and Olivia's life, I will find that the more I learn, the more I do not need to try. I just need to trust. I will again receive that same understanding of how God rewards our faith...a process I often struggle to understand, but one that He honors.  And as I have learned in many other challenges, God does not disappoint us even though His ways are not ours.  Nonetheless, He exceeds our expectations...time and time again.



God uses time to give us peace with Him. ~Jon Nellermoe

Take time to follow what God has put in your heart.  Be willing to be inconvenienced.  You don't know what kind of impact it will have on another person.  ~Joel Osteen